I think as a mom we just worry. I
believe that worrying is just written into the job description. It starts
before your child even arrives and it continues - I must assume – for a
lifetime! The worry can drive me crazy. Now combine that kind of crazy with what
we’ve been through in losing a child and you get a mom that goes a little
mental from time to time. ;)
I was having some freak out moments two weekends ago, and
then last Monday night baby #3 gave me something sweet. 12 little distinct and
perfect kicks that I could feel with my hand. I’m alive, I’m here! Thank you
sweet baby. You make me a little less crazy when you do that kind of stuff, because
I have to believe that feelings of love trump crazy any day.
Now, talk about crazy! I have to share about our last week. First
of all it was the 2 year anniversary of receiving the cleft lip news about Lucy
– a week that signified great change in my life. “Your baby appears to have a
cleft lip,” the ultrasound tech had said as she went to grab a doctor. “Your
baby appears to have a cleft lip”… They are words etched into my very being.
They are words that flipped our world upside down. What did I do wrong? How can
I fix it? Is my baby ok? I wrote on this subject last year. Strange that
another year goes by and I still have the same questions. And I still have the
same outcome. Our baby’s fate was far worse than a cleft lip.
Last week we were also anticipating our 18-week ultrasound
with baby #3. Even with the wholly-positive news from our first trimester screening
5 weeks ago, I still was extremely anxious and well, maybe just a little bit
terrified that something would go wrong. How could I not be?
Both the anniversary of our news and the upcoming ultrasound
were just a day apart. I knew those events were coming for quite some time, but
what I didn’t expect was what happened the day before my ultrasound. Last
Tuesday after work I received a note from a NICU nurse at Levine Children’s
Hospital saying they found some of Lucy’s things and wanted to arrange a time
for me to come get them! Talk about shock! A year in a half later, on this very
special and emotional week I get this beautiful surprise? Nope, I don’t believe
for a second that that’s a coincidence!
I called the hospital Wednesday morning and the nurse said,
“I remember your family.” She confirmed they had a “box” of Lucy’s things and
she couldn’t believe they had been set aside somehow. I told her I didn’t care
if it was a scrap of paper, I was coming to get it, and just happened to be coming
there later that day for my ultrasound. I would stop by afterwards. Of course,
first I had to get through the ultrasound in one piece!
Though I was anxious to go back to the NICU afterwards, just
knowing about the sweet surprise of being able to pick up Lucy’s belongings
really helped me to have great perspective going into my ultrasound that day.
We were thrilled to have the same sonographer that we’ve always had, the very
one who delivered the cleft lip news two years ago. I know her and I trust her.
She spent a great deal of time with us while baby #3 kicked and moved and posed
for us all. Everything looks great. Baby looks healthy. I can’t even describe
the emotion that accompanied the ultrasound results – it’s a mix of joy and
unworthiness. And it’s like nothing I can describe in words. But I’m grateful. Insanely grateful.
Hooray for sweet baby #3:
After the high of seeing baby on the big screen, I sent
Avery and Jeff or their way home and meandered the trail of hallways and
elevators to get to the 7th floor of the hospital, a place I hadn’t
been back to since July of 2011. I was happy beyond belief that Lucy’s sweet
nurse Amy was there in the NICU that day. Dear Amy, who will always have a
special place in our hearts. When so few of your family or friends got to meet
your baby, you cherish the people that DID get to meet her. Amy was there for
lots of sweet moments with Lucy, but also for our most traumatic moments. She
was a significant part of Lucy’s life here on earth. It was great to see her and I think we both were flooded with memories.
There was the box before me. In my hands where it finally
belonged. The box of Lucy’s things. I opened it lovingly not knowing what to
expect. Oh – what treasures! A hat! And a blanket! These two items were donated
to the hospital for babies like mine that never come home. But they had touched
her very skin. I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to grab them from the
hospital that day we left. And – oh – Lucy’s hospital bracelet! I remember
wondering about her bracelet after her death, but never asking where it went,
assuming between the hospital and the funeral home someone took it off and it
disappeared. By now I had stopped wondering… I had almost forgotten. So few
items truly “belonged” to Lucy that having a handful more means so much to us.
The letter:
Our precious box of treasures:
What a tremendous week full of blessings and promise. Full
of love and family. Lucy is part of this crazy family and she continues to
weave her way into every bit of our lives. And if I’m going to be a “crazy”
worrying mama, I might as well strive to be the best one I can be. I’ll carry
the love in my heart and wear it on my sleeve and hope that others will see
that love really does trump crazy.
