Lucy Love Project: Donations and Delivery!

I've created a little blog specifically for the Lucy Love Project and have posted some photos of this July's donation. Mosey on over there by going to www.lucyloveproject.blogspot.com and be sure to leave us a comment and let us know what you think about the blankets and onesies we donated!

We're honored to have some wonderful friends and family in our lives that helped us with this amazing project. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You've made the anniversaries of Lucy's birth, life and death much easier to bear for us, and provided glimmers of hope and love to others.

More than a diagnosis

This past Sunday I reflected on where we were one year ago... that day might have been (officially?) the worst day of my life. After a stressful couple of days, we got Lucy's diagnosis of Trisomy 13 and very quickly learned that her condition was "not compatible with life" (even as she still lived and breathed before us). It slowly sank in that I could have lost her at any moment I was pregnant with her. I've said it before, and I'll say it again... I'm SO thankful God let me meet and know her. 

Sunday was a rough, rough day for me emotionally. I had prepared & braced myself for Lucy's birthday last week but I had not thought a lot about the diagnosis day. And it hurt. I just kept thinking "I'm so sorry, Lucy. I'm so sorry there was nothing I could do."

I found an article yesterday that I want to share. It is written by Dr. Keith Barrington, a Neonatal Doctor who has some advice for doctors & medical staff handling these kinds of Trisomy 13 or 18 diagnoses. We were so thankful to have the care that we did... a doctor who prayed with us and provided comfort, nurses who cared for our little girl and smiled genuine (yet pained) smiles when they saw us. Those people made it clear that our daughter mattered. Many families with trisomy children have NOT gotten this kind of care and love from the medical professionals they have encountered, and it's disturbing to me. They have even had people refer to their baby as a "T-13" baby and not use the baby's name. I'm thankful for Dr. Barrington (who wrote this article, "Our children are not a diagnosis") and I think he delivers sound advice to other Neonatal doctors and caretakers.

These Trisomy babies are absolute blessings to their families, and I am here to say that I wouldn't trade my "T-13" baby for any other baby in the whole wide world. The love that Lucy has taught us is helping us to impact others.

Yesterday was of course an emotional day, too. Exactly one year ago, Lucy went to be with Jesus. Yet, I think back and remember that it was a surprisingly peaceful moment in my life. Time stood completely still, and the world was perfectly quiet.

We held her, we bathed her, we made her foot imprints and snuggled her "one last time" before we left the hospital. I remember looking at her body and thinking, "She's not there anymore. She's somewhere better." I'll never forget walking out of the hospital the morning that Lucy died into the sticky July heat. I felt like the air was closing in around us, suffocating us. We drove home during morning traffic. I saw the people on their way to grab coffee, or heading into work and thought, "For these people it's just another day." For me, everything looked different. Everything felt significantly different. The day was sunny, muggy, sweaty and hot. I suppose I will never forget how it felt. I feel the intense heat sometimes, and that day comes back to me clearly.

There have been so many memories swirling around in my head lately and I've had a tough time expressing what I'm feeling. It seems like I have second- and third-guessed everything I have done. I know this is another piece of the grief process, and I'm just trying to heal like I need to. Thankful I have connected with other mothers who have been through this too, and I know it will continue to get easier.

The day before Lucy

One year ago I was 38 weeks pregnant. I walked into my high-risk OB’s office and sat through what felt like “just another ultrasound”– I had been getting them so frequently they were just feeling like routine at this point. They would check the baby and from time to time tell me something I didn’t want to hear… then they would say “see you in a couple weeks” and I’d leave. But this ultrasound/sonogram took too long. And the doctor and the tech were quiet – too quiet. They seemed to be communicating without saying a word and I remember screaming in my head, “Will somebody TELL ME SOMETHING?!” Instead, I asked some nervous questions that probably made no sense at all and tried to keep the mood light. Then the doctor grabbed my hand and said “I’m recommending induction to deliver…”

‘Oh, okay,' I thought… 'When do we want to schedule it…? I’m 38 weeks, so maybe next week?’ I stared, searching her eyes, ‘This week?’

Before I could offer MY suggestions she continued, “…TODAY. You’ll be induced today. I’m going to make a call to your OB right now and see how soon we can get you in.”

It hit me… something was wrong. And I didn’t know what to ask and I didn’t know what to say. She told me something about how the blood flow between baby and placenta was very low and the baby had stopped growing… and, well, they needed to deliver baby. She came back in after calling the regular OB on duty and told me to be back at the hospital in 4 hours to start the induction process. GULP. The baby would be delivered the following day.

Within an hour my parents had jumped in the car to make the 8-hour drive to be with Avery as we prepared a bag and got ready to spend the night at the hospital. Jeff was to pick Avery up and stay with her until they got there.

I despised the thought of being induced and was scared. But after I got used to the idea of the induction process, I became quite excited too. I remember thinking ‘I finally get to meet my baby! And dang it, my baby is going to prove you all wrong. My baby is going to be just perfect, you all just wait and see!’ We spent the evening being nervously excited, but there was a looming fear. We were told that an entire team from the Neonatal staff would be in the delivery room to check the baby when he or she arrived.

I think back and it’s surreal. That was the final day of my life before meeting Lucy. We joked, we read books and watched TV. We prayed. We were worried, but everything still felt “normal.” It was a perfect balance between hope and fear. I had to trust God – I had no other option.

Sometimes I wish I could have kept Lucy safe in my belly forever. Yet, I’m so grateful that they chose to induce me that day. It may have made the difference of how much time I got to spend with her. And, well, if 5 ½ days seemed like too little, then less time would have been even more heart-wrenching.

Last night I got to have dinner with my sister-in-law Jeanne (I picked up the Lucy Love Project blankets and will have more on that soon!). It always amazes me to hear others talk about when Lucy was born and describe how things were once she passed away. There is a sense of clarity to others’ experiences that was not there in my own experience, so I appreciate hearing it from someone else’s perspective. I want to know everything that was happening on and around her birth, and I want to hear how others processed what happened with her, with us. Because the moment Lucy was born, everything as we knew it changed.

I’m missing my baby girl today, but feeling blessed for the renewed hope and the focus on purpose that has been restored in my life through this journey. I don’t know how I would have slept a wink that night in the hospital (the night before Lucy’s birth) if I would have known just how her story, our story, would unfold. But I slept… peacefully, comfortably and secure in God’s loving embrace. And in the morning, I rose to meet the day that I would bring a very special little girl into the world. And even though the story wasn’t what I expected, she did prove them wrong. She was perfect.

I’m still resting and waiting for You, Lord. My heart still feels so broken, but I will use this brokenness to make a difference in the world.

“Why don’t you break my heart til it moves my hands and feet?” – Lyrics from the song “Love Come To Life” by Big Daddy Weave

Denver Trip 2012

Our trip to Denver in June was awesome. It was a grand reunion with our friends the Wyatt's who live in the far-off Portland, OR (remember when we visited them last spring?). We always have an amazing time with them, and I swear every time we spend time together I love them more and more. One minute I feel like we're being complete dorks, and the next we're in a deep conversation about life. It's just like that, and I like it like that.

And this time our visit was sans-kids. I hardly knew what to do with myself!!!!

Upon our arrival to Denver, we swung by the hotel to drop off bags and headed straight to Boulder. One of the first things we saw when we went into a shop was this Avett Brothers poster. I started to get really excited like - "Oh my gosh, how cool is that???!!!" And then I realized that, um, everybody knows the Avett Brothers now, right? And moving on...

We sampled some fresh brews at the Avery Brewing Company on the way out of Boulder:

That evening back in Denver we enjoyed our time going to a Colorado Rockies game!

The next morning we drove up to the town of Estes Park and up toward toward the National Park... we had brunch at a cool little local place.

Crazy to see the snow on the mountains up there... the difference of temperatures in such a short drive is amazing!

Here we are stopping off at the Stanley Hotel, waiting out the rain and exploring:

Scenes from the movie "Dumb and Dumber" were filmed there, and it is also known as the inspiration behind Stephen King's book The Shining:

The Wyatt's look quite comfy here, don't they?

It was beautiful driving out there... even thought it was a bummer that we had on and off thunderstorms.

We hit up another fun brewery back in Denver that evening... Falling Rock Tap House:

And Kirsten and I selected a wine bar for a quick glass of red:

We got a "Friends" picture on the couch (thanks a lot, Kent!)

And then dined at a fun little spot (where I actually ate the last time I was in Denver visiting my friend Amanda!)

At dinner, Kent and Kirsten introduced us to a ridiculous, hilarious and fun game where you pretend to draw each other in a very serious way (a la Leonardo painting Kate Winslet in Titanic) and come up with funny pictures. This was how Jeff drew me...

That evening we explored downtown Denver and walked through a really neat chalk drawing festival.

One the third day we ventured out to Red Rocks:

The "prom pose" shot courtesy of Jeff and I:

And Kent and Kirsten modeling another popular prom pose:

Oh, how I wish we would have seen a show at the Red Rocks Amphitheatre - it was super cool! I can only imagine how fun it would be to see a great show there!

Of course, everyone was using the step-like seating area for intense workouts while we were there. A lot of hard work and sweat, people. This crew was uber-fit... which made me feel like a completely uncoordinated dork when I fell down a small incline moments later and bruised my hand. That was NOT cool.

We finished up the day grabbing lunch at Wynkoop Brewery (actually the oldest brew pub in town)... and then had to drop off our friends at the airport to fly home.

Jeff and I spent the last evening grabbing a fun dinner together, and walked around exploring a bit more. It was a nice way to end an amazing trip.

We needed this getaway terribly.

Thank you Denver for delivering!!! There was so much we still wanted to do, so hope to be back in the future! :)