Grieving + Giving

I don't know how to grieve. They say everyone handles grief differently, and I do believe that. But I've been doing this grief-thang for almost two years now, and I couldn't even tell you how I grieve. There really aren't adequate words to describe it. How do you simultaneously say "I am heartbroken" and yet "I have hope?" How do you stomp your feet and scream at the world while at the same time throwing your head back, taking a deep breath and peacefully basking in your thankfulness?

When I mention I lost a baby, most people assume my baby might have been born still. When they do, I suddenly want to tell them every detail... No! We met her, we had her.
Her name is Lucy.
She lived and breathed before our eyes. I still lost her, and the wounds of the heart are there in either experience, no matter if your baby arrived alive or still. But her life here on earth lasted 5 and a half days. I have to believe she was there that long too, you know. I have to talk to people who met her. Who knew us then. I have to remind myself that she was here. I have to remind myself that the nightmare of her diagnosis and death is true sometimes. That keeps me from going numb.

The hardest part of grieving for me seems to be handling the "moving on." As time goes by, you feel as though your emotions should get more secure, that you should be stronger. From my experience thus far I can say that though there may be a decrease in the frequency of painful emotions, the intensity is still so overwhelming at times.

Now when I see a friend or family member dealing with loss, I understand what they are going through  better than I would have before, yet I feel like I get angry. I feel sure that my loss should have been the end. That no one else I know should have to feel pain and the ache of a broken heart. I find myself asking - couldn't I just have taken the pain for them all?

I can't take the pain for them all. Jesus has already saved us. Thankfully I don't have to bear that burden.

Healing comes in helping others.
Healing comes in the realization that we are part of a bigger plan. Healing comes in washing off your pride and humbling yourself. I keep wanting God to bring me something BIG to do. But I also know that God sometimes brings you the little humble tasks to work on, because He is the only one who knows (and should know) the big picture.

This year, out of our desire to honor Lucy's life and our humble mission to help others, we will be doing the Lucy Love Project again! In honor of what would have been Lucy's 2nd birthday this month we will be accepting donations and raising money to give back to the Levine Children's Hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Nurseries. Just $5 will buy a blanket for a baby who needs it.

Help us support families that are dealing with babies that are sick or families that have lost their little ones and are grieving. Help us light a little candle in their lives and give them hope.

Here is the link to sign up and donate:
LUCY LOVE PROJECT

We thank you.

Avery's FOUR!

Well, I'm almost a month behind, but our little gal turned FOUR on June 10th! I don't need to tell you that time is flying, because I know you feel it too. :)

We had an little gathering for donuts and fruit to celebrate, and Avery was very generous with the hugs this day as you can see below...

Avery's one request for her birthday was a park play date with a couple girls from school. 

Here she is with her best school buddies:

One her ACTUAL birthday, she was all smiles as she headed off for her first day of summer camp.

Birthday morning video:

We went out to dinner at Bad Daddy's for burgers and then to her true favorite spot, Menchie's, for some frozen yogurt. At dinner she drew the below picture of our family, including Lucy (far right) and baby brother (blue dude with the tilted head). She drew herself in the middle with Rapunzel-style hair. Gonna have to frame it; I love it so.

Avery's take on our family: Me, Jeff, Avery, baby brother and Lucy.

Catching up... April and May 2013

Life lately...

Hmm, let's see. We've been getting ready for baby brother as much as we can, although I am realizing that even if you know the sex of your baby it doesn't really change anything. Oh, except you spend more money on clothing. I haven't spent a ton, but just knowing does certainly make the temptation to spend greater. :) Trying not to wash everything so if it has to go back it goes back.

Avery and I have been soaking up some Mommy-Daughter time. Here is her very first meal at IHOP: fancy french toast (basically sugar overload - yikes)

Friday nights in South End they have all the food trucks in for Charlotte's Food Truck Friday. We've taken our picnic blanket out and enjoyed several evenings out there eating yummy food, enjoying live music and catching up with good friends. 

Papi Queso is one of our faves - fancy schmancy grilled cheesy goodness.

King of Pops makes the yummiest popsicles ever. Me and Ave LOVE them!

Here is Avery ready for "Beach Day" at school.

Avery moved into her big girl bedroom and BIG girl bed. It's been the smoothest and most fab transition as she just loves it and hasn't looked back for an instant. She spends some much time playing up in her room, completely entertaining herself (she has QUITE the imagination)! I worked from home several weeks back worried it would be a struggle to keep her entertained and actually get quality time in working, but she played up in her room for HOURS. I kept checking on her and she was just in there singing and playing, perfectly content.

Another huge perk is that now we can crawl into the bed with her to actually read her books.  Which also means I almost fall asleep some nights, but oh well.

The following are some pictures from our annual Mother's Day picnic. We bought sandwiches from Sunflour Baking Company and took them to Latta Park. First thing that morning, Avery came downstairs dressed in her Tinkerbell costume and said "Happy Mommy's Day!"

Over Memorial Day we went down to Bluffton, SC with my side of the family. Since we knew we wouldn't get to the beach much this summer we tried to soak in the sun and surf!

A and P chumming along.

Ave and her Aunt Erin

This is the LIFE. Our little beach bums.

Avery loving on Nana and Papa

Miles carefully helping Papa with the morning pancakes

P and A chowing down on their pancakes

Family shot
(I should mention - how you can not see my huge baby in this shot is beyond me, but I assure you it is there. In fact the very next day a man at the pool told me I looked "ready to go any day now." When I told him I had 2 months he looked scared and asked quite seriously, "Twins?" LOL)

Couldn't resist this angle of Miles...

...But this angle is pretty good too ;)

Another big milestone is that Avery had her last day of her 3's class right when we got back from the beach. She has had an awesome year learning and playing with her friends and teachers. We have been blessed by the entire staff at the preschool through the extended care program they offer, and couldn't have asked for a better year for our sweet girl.