Finding Hope

What is HOPE anyway? I'm not trying to answer that question today by any stretch, but I like the first definition of hope in Merriam-Webster dictionary:

HOPE - to cherish a desire with anticipation.

But I like the definition several lines down more - to TRUST with CONFIDENCE.

Of course, we can try to bottle up the concept in words, but hope is a feeling, a belief.

And feelings are so very hard to describe.

Christmas is now past and the beginning of a New Year is days away. 'Tis the season when we find it appropriate to talk about hope. But it shouldn't be the only season. Hope is all around us, in our daily lives, even in what seems to be the least hoped-for situation. Finding God through the tough times and believing can often be the difficult part. He's there regardless. Hope is there to be found. We may just have trouble seeing it and believing it. We may "cherish a desire"... but do we "trust with confidence"?

I see perfectly healthy babies being born all the time and know many friends getting pregnant. Healthy babies come along every single day. I should have hope. But after losing Lucy I feel like I've become somewhat of a skeptic - for someone who has always tried to see the positive side of things, I'm on the opposite side of the fence for once. It's challenging.

I constantly, daily, roll around different scenarios in my head. I feel guilty in some way that I didn't get the genetic testing done during my pregnancy with Lucy, that I didn't know the sex of my baby before she arrived, and that we hadn't even settled on a NAME. (For heaven's sake, for half of the pregnancy we assumed Lucy was a BOY). There was so much that happened in her short little life. So much hope, and then so many shattered dreams. Moms tend to question themselves entirely too much as it is. I don't even have my sweet Lucy by my side and I'm questioning if I was a good mother to her. I feel as though I lacked in planning for our little miracle baby. We weren't equipped with all of the knowledge that was available to us. How could I have done that?!

At times I have felt a little strange talking about Trisomy 13 - not many people know what it is. Or, if you've heard what it is, you try not to think about it... because you think "oh, that wouldn't happen to ME." I have gone through phases where I've felt ashamed or embarrassed about it and thought "How could this have happened?" All the doctors say it's nothing I did, and additionally my faith says that it's all in God's plan. I know what I'm supposed to believe... but I can't help still thinking that I could have changed it. I had hoped for the best.

This week a friend of mine passed along the blog of the Green family who had a baby girl, Hallie, this past Monday before the holiday. Hallie was born with full Trisomy 13, just like Lucy. The Green family's story about baby Hallie has been truly amazing for me to see. I can relate to the story from the inside because we've lived something similar, but I'm also very much seeing things from the outside looking in.

I am so very glad that The Green Family has openly shared their story about Hallie and Trisomy 13. Hallie was diagnosed prenatally and her parents accepted her whole-heartedly and gave her a chance - this chance - at life. I was just devastated to hear that her sweet, short life came to an end on Christmas Eve. Another sweet angel gone home to be with Jesus. Her story is a beautiful one full of love and hope, and it's still unfolding as this family mourns her loss. Seeing the LOVE that they experienced by her very presence gives me faith that is indestructible and hope that is eternal. It's a sad story - it's heartbreaking. But I have hope. I believe that little Hallie's story will continue to change lives.

If I had to do it all over myself - the pregnancy, the testing options, the time in the hospital with Lucy - I wouldn't change a thing. As much as I can doubt and question myself, I know everything was exactly as it should have been. I run through the scenarios if we'd chosen a different path at different forks in the road. But that isn't what happened.

Our story is just that - OUR story! Lucy's story.

A parents love for their child is built on HOPE. Hope for our babies. It doesn't matter if we got the genetic testing done during pregnancy or if we knew as much as I could possibly know about Lucy. We gave her a chance. We chose Lucy. We had hope in her, and ultimately had hope in God's plan for her. And she fulfilled it with the beauty, grace and love that was her purpose. I can only hope to do that much in my lifetime.

I will never be able to describe hope in words.

But hope is the future. And despite our losses, the future is hopeful.

Find the Green Family here.

I encourage you to surround this family with prayers.

They will need them.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all from the White family.

May God bring you peace, hope and joy through this holiday season and beyond.

Santa Claus is coming to town!

After skipping a visit with Santa last year, we decided that we definitely owed him a visit this year. Our first attempt at visiting Santa was met with a VERY long line, a little girl who kept saying "I don't wanna wait my turn," and a new obsession with escalators. Our 2nd attempt was much more successful with a strategic early arrival at the mall... there were only two families before us and we had an extremely excited little girl who was rearing to go.

In fact, Avery was so excited about seeing Santa that when he arrived she started trembling. For a moment we thought she was scared but we realized that she was actually shaking with happiness and excitement (she has a flair for the dramatic). She had to stand behind a red rope before it was her turn and she kept saying "Move the rope, Mommy... move the rope!" When it was her turn she walked right up to Santa and started chit-chatting. I asked Santa if he thought he would be able to make it to our house on Christmas Eve and he asked Avery if she'd been a good girl. Her response: "I'm wearing a pull-up!"

Ave jumped onto Santa's lap for a picture and told him she wanted a bike. They discussed if it should have two wheels, three wheels or four (though I was looking at photos, so I'm not really sure what they came up with there). She also mentioned she wanted pink boots and a book.

Here is our gal with Santa:

She was more than comfortable chatting it up with the white-bearded man. We were so proud of her! Santa was all compliments telling us we had a really sweetheart. AS IF we didn't know that already! :)

When Avery asked him about cookies, Santa said he liked "round" cookies (of course I had just made two dozen tree, star, candy cane and gingerbread man-shaped cookies) and agreed that the reindeer liked carrots. Then as an after-thought he added that they like oats too (c'mon, Santa... she remembers EVERYTHING. Now we gotta get oats, too?!)

All in all, I'd say we had a really great visit with Santa. Can't wait to see if he brings Avery everything her little heart desires! (Something tells me he just might.)

Turkey Day Catch-Up

This year for Thanksgiving we spent the holiday with Jeff's sister and her family in Greenville, SC. Jeff's parents are in the beginning stages of building a house in St. James, NC (which we are THRILLED about!) and were able to join us in between trips back and forth from that area (as they continued to fine-tune building plans and visited with friends).

It was a laid back, easy visit. Jeanne, Ellison and the kids were wonderful hosts. I was only asked to bring ROLLS... it's like SOMEONE knew I wasn't up for much this year! ;) Avery had an absolute blast playing with cousins Mary Ellison and Ford, especially liking the tea party set in Mary Ellison's room and the "Littlest Petshop" town with the (at-least-a-thousand) pieces to go with it!

Here are some pictures from our Thanksgiving Day,

starting with Miss Sassy-pants:

It was a beautiful day, so we got some fresh fall air!

Avery loved sliding down into the leaves that her cousins piled high for her at the bottom!

Now, onto dinner!

Grandpa & BeeGee with the grandkids,

Mary Ellison (9), Ford (12), Avery (2) and Brooks (15):

Never in a million years...

So many things I have had to do in the last several months are just things you never think you'll have to do... never in a million years. So many of these things break my heart into a trillion pieces. Each time I crumble, I find myself once again picking up the pieces and carefully trying to put them back where they belong.

But I want to remember each and every moment, even the saddest ones. Because they are all part of our journey.

I'm driving to the cemetery today with this in my car:

Lucy, I find comfort in knowing you're taken care of up in heaven - and you're in the very best hands. Sweet girl, you make me a better person every day... but I MISS YOU.

Love you girly-girl.

Avery's First Haircut

What's that, Ma? I need a HAIRCUT?!

I had been in serious denial that Avery was in need of a haircut. Serious denial. I couldn't let go of her blonde wispy baby hair. I mean it took SO LONG to get here. But it was time.

Here are my last snapshots of her with her "crazy hair," as she patiently waited her turn at the kiddie salon:

At Pigtails and Crewcuts, they specialize in kids haircuts, and Avery just loved it. Her stylist Tiara made her feel comfortable, and Avery wasn't afraid to ask for special treats like animal crackers and lollipops during her time there. She was able to choose what "vehicle" she sat in, and of course she choose the firetruck over the taxi (who wouldn't?)

She even LOVED getting her hair dried with the blow-dryer. So cute.

And yes, the stylist smiled the entire time. I mean, love your job much? (Or maybe she's just happy to have my kid? The child next to her was NOT as patient with the haircut experience.) So sweet regardless!

After she was done, Avery got to select a prize from the treasure chest. If you know about Avery's fondness for all-things-pirate, you could probably guess just how excited she was about that part.

So excited that I never got another decent "after" picture of her hair until later on...

And just like she's becoming a southern little gal with a major bow in her hair, her Southern accent has started being more apparent in words like "Thay-er" for "there" and "Yaa-yah" for "yeah."

So, yes, Avery just got her first "Hay-er" cut!

TADA! :)