Another year goes by and it’s Mother’s Day again. But it's taken me days and weeks to process where I am this year. The
retailers tell us that Mother’s Day is supposed to be filled to the brim with
flowers, yummy meals and family time. Or, maybe relaxing alone time --- but that's not my personal preference. ;) For me this year, the day included church together followed by our traditional family picnic at the park and then a pedicure with Avery in the afternoon. We spent some family time outside then cooked dinner and watched a movie. It was a good day by
any measure because I was with two of my greatest loves – Jeff and Avery.
Although I’m surrounded by love and dare-I-say admiration, I can’t
help but think about the baby that is missing from my life. Lucy is not here. I
know she’ll always be here in our hearts… but that’s not enough at times. As
Avery told me one time, “I just want Lucy to get OUT of my heart!” Thinking she
meant she didn’t want to talk about Lucy any more, I asked her why she would
want Lucy out of her heart. She told me that she just wanted her to get out of
our hearts and come back from heaven to be with us. Once again, Avery hit the
nail on the head. Having her in our hearts just doesn’t cut it sometimes.
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| A special moment in my motherhood journey was captured in the above picture (the day before Lucy passed away). ~July 24th, 2011~ |
I have imagined what my life would be like raising two
little girls for almost two years now. I stop and stare at families with two
girls sometimes thinking to myself 'That should be me.' I’ve imagined my daughters relationship with one
another and how it could and would be. I think about MY sisters and how they
have influenced my life. I worry that Avery won’t have that same sister bond
with hers.
Maybe it’s the current pregnancy that has me feeling
self-conscious about motherhood in general. I’m sad when people mention “baby
#2,” referencing the baby inside my belly. I’m sad because that automatically
takes Lucy out of the picture. And it’s not just strangers. It’s happened with
people I know that just don’t think about it (and likely mean no harm by it).
When I reconnect with old friends that may not know about
Lucy, I feel like they can’t see the full picture. I am confused at how to
portray myself as a 'mother of 2, almost 3' children when I don’t have a second
child to show. How do I make myself look different? I feel so different and strive to include her. I
talk about Lucy. And in my mind it’s awkward and totally weird sometimes because I don't always know what to say. I just hope she’s up
there and can feel my love. I wonder if she feels my efforts to include her. I worry all the time about making Lucy proud since I don't have the opportunity to do it in person.
This year I spend Mother’s Day with my first child here
beside me, my second child up in heaven and my third child growing and
blossoming inside me. It’s strange how these siblings will always be connected
-- yet they seem so far away from each other right at this moment.
A couple weeks ago I went in to pray over Avery as she slept
one of her very last nights in her toddler bed. As I prayed for her, baby boy
started kicking and moving inside me (a feeling that still surprises me and
amazes me). And then, as true as anything I’ve ever experienced, a cool, crisp
and very real presence was felt. I felt Lucy’s
presence. Baby girl was with us. My children were all there with me in very
different ways. God’s children that he entrusted to my care. I imagine I'll always be a bit mystified when I think about how He has gifted the role of mother to a girl like
me. A girl who hid from Him at times in my life. A girl who ran desperately
from Him at times. A girl who even doubted Him for moments, and used His name
in vain, and denied Him once upon a time. I feel so unworthy at times.
I’ve shed plenty of tears through this journey of
motherhood. I’ve had plenty of laughs, too. My heart has swelled so big that I
think it’s full and then it expands again. I’ve felt the pain, heartache,
worry, joy and love of motherhood.
I remember a conversation that I had with my mom early in my pregnancy with Lucy. I was worried about how I could love another child as much
as I loved Avery. It just didn’t seem possible. My mom described it to me using
an image from the animated Grinch movie I watched at Christmastime when I was a
kid. She asked if I remembered the part where the Grinch’s heart grew – “In
Whoville they say -- that the grinch’s small heart grew three sizes today.” She
said – “Your heart just GROWS.”
I know it grows, but I still worry about having enough love to go around. I often
don’t feel worthy of the life I carry inside me – my son. I can sometimes
convince myself that don’t deserve him and I worry I won’t be a good mother to
him. Have I spent all my love? I haven’t, I’m sure, but I worry about it
nonetheless.
I love being a mother in the greatest possible way. The job makes me
thankful and happy and feel blessed beyond belief. Being a mother makes me feel alive in a whole new way and I have a deep hope for those who desire to be mothers that they may feel this one day. I will fail at certain things but I will not fail at love. I can do this "love thang" from near or far.
