Lucy Love Project 2014

We did it guys, we did it! The Lucy Love Project was a success, and I owe it to all of you!

When we started the Lucy Love Project two years ago I had no idea what it would turn into as time went on. I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep it up. Time is so precious, and spare minutes are few and far between. Yet, I often think about how life would be a whole lot more crazy with Lucy here. I'd surely have even fewer spare minutes. My heart longs to provide for her and to express my love for her, therefore directing some of the extra time I have toward this project is quite meaningful to me.

To our families and friends -- YOU ARE AWESOME. The way you step forward to be a part of this movement is amazing. 

To friends of friends -- people I never knew before this -- thank you for sharing your stories of your NICU babies. Babies that have survived, and are ROCKING it. These stories make me happy, because I know it wasn't an easy journey. Thank you for joining this as a tribute to the care you received in the NICU. 

As always, I must also thank my amazing community of other loss moms. The women I know that have experienced pregnancy and infant loss seem to know my heart like NO other. To have their support in this is a beautiful thing.

After collecting an impressive amount of donations... OVER $2000!... We decided that the need for blankets was greatest, and we went from doing 200 blankets last year to 300 this year! The second need was for clothing, so we were able to order an additional 200 screen-printed onesies.

Two years ago, my friend and past co-worker Lindsay created a logo and t-shirt design to be used for this project. I am forever grateful. This year she helped me design little tags to wrap around the blankets. Aren't they cute?

My dad's company, United Sport Apparel, helps us to get the blankets at low costs --- so we can get higher quantities of the product. We added the sweet little embroidered hearts again this year.

One evening friends came over to help me roll blankets and tie tags. They're seriously the best. Avery also was eager to help, so she assisted in the "production" line as well. In my last batch, she did a really wonderful job tying the ribbons.

We delivered the blankets to the NICU at Levine Children's Hospital on October 18th. Seeing our handwritten notes and boxes stacked up high, my heart surged with joy, but I'm not gonna lie...  saying "goodbye" was hard. I prayed over those boxes and over the blankets --- that they may find their way into the arms of those who need them most.

Avery drew a picture of Lucy with angel wings for the nurses. Inside the card read "THANK YOU." Just seeing it left me teary-eyed. This project really means something to her now so I didn't know what to say to her when she begged to see the babies at the hospital... which were not able to do. (Although, much to her delight, when we entered the Levine Children's Hospital they had a huge life-size cardboard cutout of Elsa from Disney's Frozen - it served as a wonderful distraction).

I am humbled and appreciative of the love and support that was put in to this project. Thank you to everyone who donated time, money and energy to help with this. 

I must thank my daughter Lucy, who ignited a spark, and sprung us into action. We have a choice - to live in darkness or embrace the light. God has not let me down. He renews my hope daily, even on the hard days. I have a passion to share the light that I have found in this role as a loss mom and encourage others to do the same.

Pass It On is a song I sang at church camp when I was younger. The words ring so true:

It only takes a spark to get a fire going
And soon all those around can warm up in the glowing
That's how it is with God's love one you experience it
You'll spread His love to everyone
You want to pass it on.

Grieving + Giving

I don't know how to grieve. They say everyone handles grief differently, and I do believe that. But I've been doing this grief-thang for almost two years now, and I couldn't even tell you how I grieve. There really aren't adequate words to describe it. How do you simultaneously say "I am heartbroken" and yet "I have hope?" How do you stomp your feet and scream at the world while at the same time throwing your head back, taking a deep breath and peacefully basking in your thankfulness?

When I mention I lost a baby, most people assume my baby might have been born still. When they do, I suddenly want to tell them every detail... No! We met her, we had her.
Her name is Lucy.
She lived and breathed before our eyes. I still lost her, and the wounds of the heart are there in either experience, no matter if your baby arrived alive or still. But her life here on earth lasted 5 and a half days. I have to believe she was there that long too, you know. I have to talk to people who met her. Who knew us then. I have to remind myself that she was here. I have to remind myself that the nightmare of her diagnosis and death is true sometimes. That keeps me from going numb.

The hardest part of grieving for me seems to be handling the "moving on." As time goes by, you feel as though your emotions should get more secure, that you should be stronger. From my experience thus far I can say that though there may be a decrease in the frequency of painful emotions, the intensity is still so overwhelming at times.

Now when I see a friend or family member dealing with loss, I understand what they are going through  better than I would have before, yet I feel like I get angry. I feel sure that my loss should have been the end. That no one else I know should have to feel pain and the ache of a broken heart. I find myself asking - couldn't I just have taken the pain for them all?

I can't take the pain for them all. Jesus has already saved us. Thankfully I don't have to bear that burden.

Healing comes in helping others.
Healing comes in the realization that we are part of a bigger plan. Healing comes in washing off your pride and humbling yourself. I keep wanting God to bring me something BIG to do. But I also know that God sometimes brings you the little humble tasks to work on, because He is the only one who knows (and should know) the big picture.

This year, out of our desire to honor Lucy's life and our humble mission to help others, we will be doing the Lucy Love Project again! In honor of what would have been Lucy's 2nd birthday this month we will be accepting donations and raising money to give back to the Levine Children's Hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Nurseries. Just $5 will buy a blanket for a baby who needs it.

Help us support families that are dealing with babies that are sick or families that have lost their little ones and are grieving. Help us light a little candle in their lives and give them hope.

Here is the link to sign up and donate:
LUCY LOVE PROJECT

We thank you.

Ducks for Lucy 2013

Last month our family was excited to participate and raise money for the Hope Floats Duck Race. Our team, Ducks for Lucy, raised over $630 for Kindermourn. Thanks to those who gave and supported us in our fundraising effort. Unfortunately none of our team ducks "placed" in the end, but we had a little crew out to enjoy the beautiful day and witness the fun sight of the 20,000 ducks floating on down the "river" AKA manmade whitewater canal at the U.S. Whitewater Center.

Waiting for the ducks

There they are!

Me and A taking it all in

A and her amazing quacking duck whistle!

Our awesome friends who came out to be with us and enjoy the day!
(I love that Jackson is totally trying to swipe Ave's whistle)

The Hope Floats Duck Race has become a fun way to remember our sweet second daughter and will be a tradition of ours for years to come.

Hope Floats 2013 / Ducks For Lucy

Once again it's time for Kindermourn's annual Hope Floats duck race! Our family has created a team in memory of our daughter Lucy, and we'd love for you to adopt a duck in her honor and support this great organization that offers support to grieving families.

Over the last year and a half Jeff and I have attended several panel discussions on grief and I took a grief-related writing workshop at Kindermourn. Next week, I am meeting with a group of moms who have lost babies and are now pregnant again. Kindermourn is a place to connect with other parents that have been through the loss of a child and understand what we are going through. It's a "safe place" where we have found healing.

"Hope Floats" take place at the US National Whitewater Center on April 21st. 

Here is how you adopt a duck and get your name in the hat to win the big grand prize!:

1. Visit the Hope Floats Duck Race Page HERE

2. Click on "Adopt a Duck"

3. Click on the duckie to the right (he says "Adopt a Duck by selecting your Favorite Team")

4. Scroll down to the Team named "Ducks for Lucy" and click on it

5. Find my name ("Kate White," duh) and click

6. Click on "Adopt under this team member"

7. Follow Instructions to purchase your ducks

Thank you all for your support! Oh, and anyone in Charlotte, please, please, PLEASE come out on April 21st and join us! We will wear pink ribbons in honor of Lucy and have some fun watching the ducks swim down the channel. Let me know you are coming so I can bring plenty of ribbons!

Feel free to check our last year's post with some pictures HERE.

Holiday Luminary Service

On December 15th, our family joined several others in a holiday luminary service to honor our babies that we have lost. 

I have gotten to know these amazing women and mothers through a grief journey I never expected to be on. I'm honored to know them and thank God for bringing such special and inspirational women into my life:

Pretty girls dressed in pink as they remember their siblings:

The luminaries:

Many thanks to Shawn for sharing photos and of course for all the set-up and supplies. We were so thankful to have the chance to remember our Lucy with all of you! Our little angels spent Christmas together in heaven. Though our hearts were heavy as we wished they were with us, I feel quite certain that there was a mighty celebration up there.

Lucy's Light & The Butterfly Release

Back on July 24th, I spoke over the phone with a nurse at Levine Children's Hospital, and she asked if I would be interested in speaking at the Butterfly Release this year. The Butterfly Release is an annual event that the NICU holds to honor and remember the babies that have been lost. Ironically, the nurse that called, Cindy, was the person who had advised us to stay with Lucy at the hospital that very night exactly one year before. That Sunday night with Lucy was our last night with her, and we have been forever grateful to have those final minutes and hours by our little angel's side.

When talking with Cindy this past July, I felt deeply grateful and started thinking about how I might be able to give back to others. I imagined that speaking would be one way to do that and also honor Lucy's life. The event was still several month away, so I agreed and thought, "I'll figure out what I'll say later." 

I have written a lot about Lucy and my grief process on the blog or in my journal, but realized quickly that writing to speak was going to be VERY different. I could't even bring myself to write much of anything until just days before. Here is what I wrote (edited slightly for blog):

8th Annual Butterfly Release

October 13, 2012

Lucy's Light

in memory of Lucy Isadore White

I’m here today to share with you the story of our little angel, Lucy.

The story starts with my 2^nd pregnancy. At our 18 week ultrasound we were shocked to find out that our 2^nd child was going to be born with a major cosmetic flaw – a cleft lip. In the weeks that followed we learned of several other concerns the doctors had, more medically-focused, but none seemingly life-threatening, so we decided against genetic testing. Throughout the entire second half of my pregnancy though I was in a very dark place. We remained hopeful, but I was very, very scared. I want to share with you a prayer I wrote in my journal at about 30 weeks, give or take.

“Dear Lord,

I pray that you continue to unveil your plan and purpose in our lives. Please prepare us for what is to come. Help us to support one another and focus on our blessings. Let us remain faithful even when it feels like hope is failing us.

This child is yours, God, and I pray that you use [her] for your work. Should I have the opportunity, I promise to raise [her] teaching and sharing your word. Should I not have the opportunity, I pray that this baby feel our family’s unconditional love regardless of the time we get to spend together.

Please remind us of the miracles that are possible when we remain faithful. I will continue to follow if, Lord, you promise to show me the way. Amen”

It’s amazing looking back now on that handwritten prayer, knowing how terrified I was, yet hearing the hope in my words.

Two weeks before my due date I was induced to deliver our baby. Our little angel arrived on July 19^th, and she did amazing. She even fooled the doctors at first by being such a fighter she was sent to the regular nursery. However, Lucy’s health steadily declined and we learned on day three that Lucy would not be with us long. She had a life-threatening genetic disorder called Trisomy 13 that would claim her life. I finally knew for certain what I had had nightmares about for months. The odds of this disorder are one in 10,000 – looking at a statistic like that you just never think you could possibly be the “ONE.” Trisomy 13 is described as “incompatible with life,” yet it was so hard to believe when here was this little miracle living and breathing before our eyes.

Lucy’s name means “light.” She truly was radiant. She lit up a room like a little ray of hope, a reminder of God’s love.  We are blessed to say that we got 5 ½ days with our daughter. And in those days with Lucy, God showed us the true power of love. We were able to spend time as a family of 4 – to show both of our daughters what unconditional love was and is. It’s a love so strong and so impassioned that it truly knows no bounds. An unconditional and uninhibited love. A love like there is no tomorrow.

I came across this quote from Beth Moore: “True love is not at all blind. When we are vessels of agape, our spiritual eyes will be open like never before, because only true love can really see… right into the heart of God.”

I don’t know if that speaks to you, but it sure speaks to me. The very miracle of Lucy has opened my eyes, given me purpose and given me hope. Do I understand why I lost her? No. Do I wish she was here in my arms? Of course. Have I wished that she was born without the disorder that took her life? Absolutely. But I also know that without it, well, frankly, she wouldn’t be my Lucy. She wouldn’t be my little Lucy that had the strength to ignite an absolute love fest of Godly proportions.

I still think every day about how I want people to see Lucy’s light in me. Because Lucy’s light is truly one lit by the love of God. Amidst the fear, the cold, the darkness, confusion and deep agony, we learned to love like no other. I want to share that love and that hope with others. Before I ever knew what Lucy’s fate would be, during pregnancy with her, I had said that prayer. I had promised to continue to follow God if He promised to show me the way. While the way hasn’t always been 100% clear at times, the path is surely lit with His love.

This coming Monday, October 15^th is Infant Loss Remembrance Day. At 7 pm around the world people will be lighting candles in honor of their babies that have been lost – it will be a wave of light. We’ll be lighting our candle for Lucy, and I encourage you all to light a candle in honor of your sweet little one. As we remember our babies, may we also take a moment to consider how we can let their memory shine through us. We have a chance to give back, to love in uninhibited ways, and to walk with purpose. I always think of the song, “this little light of mine, I’m gonna let it shine.” 

I want to SHINE.

Thank you Lucy for being my daughter… you are a light in the darkness that will never go out. We love you so much. For living such a short little life here on this earth, you sure have an amazing purpose.

Your big sister Avery asked me if we could go on an airplane ride and come see you the other day. When I explained to her that it wasn’t that easy she thought for a minute and said, “How about a rocket ship?” Though we can’t take a plane or a rocket ship to heaven, we’ll send a butterfly into the sky in honor of you today.  I miss you so much and I can’t wait to see your face again one day.

Avery and her butterfly

Lucy's brick in the Our Children's Memorial Walkway

Me and Avery by Lucy's brick

Lucy Love Project: Donations and Delivery!

I've created a little blog specifically for the Lucy Love Project and have posted some photos of this July's donation. Mosey on over there by going to www.lucyloveproject.blogspot.com and be sure to leave us a comment and let us know what you think about the blankets and onesies we donated!

We're honored to have some wonderful friends and family in our lives that helped us with this amazing project. Thank you, thank you, thank you! You've made the anniversaries of Lucy's birth, life and death much easier to bear for us, and provided glimmers of hope and love to others.

Last day to donate!

Today is the last day to donate to the Lucy Love Project!

To give, please visit our donation site at ChipIn:

http://lucyloveproject.chipin.com/lucy-love-blankets

Thank you for your support!

Last words to Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

Hey, it's Kate! Oh, how I wish i could be there right now to see you. I am writing this because there are a couple things I want to say. And since I don't know that I will be able to get up there as soon as I want to I figured I would write it in an email. (I actually bought a card earlier today, but then decided not to give "snail mail" a chance either!)

I want to say first that I love you. I love your loud voice that echoes and rings brightly (that you passed along to my father). I love your knack for being able to fix ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I love that you picked on us over the years and thickened our skin a bit. I love how you'd sit at the end of the table at Christmas dinner and throw rolls and get us all riled up. I love the wrapping paper fights and the laughter. All that laughter - my fondest memories are filled with lots and lots of laughter! I love the way you have swooped in to save and support when I needed it most. I love that you love me and I've never questioned that for a minute.

One thing my daughter Lucy taught me is to not fear death. When the Lord says it is MY time, I will go. And I feel good about being able to say that. When dad told me that you said you were ready to go to heaven last night, I knew everything was going to be okay. (Now, we also know that Grandma Parker said that for years, so you just never know!) I felt compelled to write to you because I needed to tell you at least one more time that I love you.

Now, I feel like I share a special bond with you since we both have lost a baby. I know that was a long time ago for you, but when I consider the fact that we get to see those babies up in heaven one day it warms my heart. If you get there first, please give my Lucy a big hug for me (and maybe teach her how to fix a thing or two).

I always think of you when I eat ham and pineapple pizza - I have no idea why. It just reminds me of you coming to visit us in Charlotte!

Please know you are in my thoughts and my prayers. I love you very, very much.

Love,

Kate

(Letter to Grandpa, written 6/22/12)

...................................................................................

June, me and Grandpa on my wedding day - August 26th, 2006

I just love this picture of Avery (6 months old) with her Great Grandpa Bricker

...........................................................................

My father called me last Thursday night to tell me that he and Grandpa had a "coming to Jesus" talk that night in the hospital. Grandpa said he was ready to go to heaven. Over the last few years he had been diagnosed with a blood disorder, congestive heart failure... and more recently acute leukemia. While he was a truly a fighter, his body was just shutting down. But, what really struck me was that he was ready. Whew, it hit me like a truck. He was READY. It was unsettling to here those words, yet a huge relief swept over me. Saying goodbye isn't as difficult anymore, because my faith in eternal life is steadfast. From here on out I guess I look at it as the grand family reunion waiting for me in heaven.

I emailed the above letter to my dad last Friday at 4:18 p.m. when I realized I probably wouldn't get up to Ohio in time to see my Grandpa Bricker one last time. My dad read this letter to him late that night. The next morning when Dad called me to tell me of Grandpa's passing early Saturday morning he mentioned how ironic it was that one of Grandpa's friends brought ham & pineapple pizza to him Friday night for dinner (he ate it too - an all too appropriate last meal). As Dad sat with him on Friday night, he said Grandpa was in and out of sleep. He was "at a construction site" - asking out loud for brackets & speaking as though he was jimmying parts and pieces together.  He was hard at work... must've been building his ladder to the heavens.

Grandpa was a carpenter by trade and a fixer by nature. When he'd visit our house in Charlotte in more recent years he'd stay up late fixing stuff I didn't even know needed fixing. In fact, he carried around a full tool kit just about everywhere he went. When I think of Grandpa I think of a man who enjoyed going to baseball games and singing a cappella at church. He was a family leader, yet a kid at heart. Oh, and he was pretty bossy. And really loud. When I was in high school (I was a teenage girl - need I say more?) he used to come to the house to see Dad at 7 am and they would stand around the island in the kitchen chit-chatting. From up in my room it sounded as if they were literally right beside me - I used to open the door to my room, scream "BE QUIET!!!!" dramatically and then slam the door of my room. Grandpa would only get louder, I swear. He also used to torment us when we were little with the fact that he lost a finger years before. As kids we were both terrified and intrigued. These memories make me smile.

I had to giggle when I heard that Grandpa wanted to buried in a flannel shirt and a hat. Oh, that's my grandpa. Never wanted to live by anyone else's rules. And what does it matter anyway? We're trading in our casual duds for grand robes in the sky.

I'll miss you Grandpa... I really will. But I have confidence in that family reunion in the heavens.

I'll be seeing ya...

Lucy Love Project : update

So, um, yeah... I am incredibly blown away. Our goal for 200 blankets was reached in TWO DAYS! I repeat - TWO DAYS. This is incredibly awesome and my heart is truly filled to the brim.

And I must apologize, for I guess I under estimated everyone. I feel like I should reprimand some of you for donating far more than the $5 I suggested (I kid, I kid). Yet, how cool is it that people have donated in honor of their children... and losses of their own... and out of the love and care for our family. Lucy only met a handful of people in her life, and unfortunately most of them were doctors and nurses. I wish she could have met all of the awesome people that love her!

I want to say thank you to those of you who have donated to the Lucy Love Project so far. What a testament to how many lives our daughter has touched. We feel so very blessed!

Since we have reached our goal for 200 baby blankets I did go ahead and bump up our goal so that people who have said they still want to donate do not get discouraged. We will do more for the hospital in Lucy's honor as long as the funds are available. We will be using additional money toward clothing (we are working on something special) for the babies in the Neonatal Intensive Care Nursery. We also have a generous donation that will support getting little hearts embroidered on the blankets! I'll share more when I have the details, but I am so excited for the blankets to have a personal touch. :)

Life is just too short to love small.

Thank you for loving BIG with us. Thank you for your generosity and support.

Lucy Love Project

In honor of what would be our daughter Lucy's first birthday on July 19th (one month from today!), we are hosting a fundraiser that will provide blankets to babies in the Neonatal Intensive Care Nursery where Lucy spent most of her short life.

The blanket that we brought home from the hospital is dear to us. We are thankful to have it to hold on to --- not only as a precious memento, but also as a reminder of our time with Lucy. We have specific memories that are tied to our daughter when we see and touch this blanket. Recently I asked one of the coordinators at the Levine Children's Hospital what they were in need of and she said "if you showed up with 200 blankets we would be so very thankful." Since they ideally want new blankets, that is what we intend to provide - soft, new blankets for the babies and their families. You just never know how much something very simple can change someone's life.

If you'd like to support us in our mission, please visit our fundraiser page by clicking below to go to our chip in site:

http://lucyloveproject.chipin.com/lucy-love-blankets
(update: i believe you need flash to view & donate)

Any amount you may be able to contribute is greatly appreciated, but simply $5 will buy one blanket. (In other words, we are not really asking for large single donations, just a lot of little $5 gifts!)

For the first 200 blankets donated, our family will be giving $1 per blanket.

We will wrap up donations on July 5th so that we may place our order in time to have the blankets by Lucy's birthday on July 19th. We are planning to deliver the blankets that week. Feel free to pass this along to friends or family.

The "Lucy Love Project" blankets will be donated
in memory of our little girl

Lucy Isadore
7/19/2011 ~7/25/2011

Thank you.

Ducks for Lucy

Today was the 8th annual Hope Floats Duck Race benefitting KinderMourn.

Our team "Ducks for Lucy" adopted 312 ducks altogether! Way to go team! The money goes toward supporting other families through their grief process, and the organization not only supports these individuals but the community as a whole. A year ago I would have never really understood the meaning behind something like this.

It was a cloudy, gray and rainy day,.. but shortly after we got there, the sun came out. 

We hardly felt a drop of rain once we got there!

It had been ages since we had been out to the U.S. National Whitewater Center. We enjoyed watching some of the rafters and kayakers before the race started.

Lyss, Elise, Avery, me and Hill:

Tony and William:

Avery was very impressed with her duck whistle - quack, quack!

Avery and her buddy Will watching for duckies:

Hillary and Brian:

Elise, Jackson & Jason:

Can you spot any duckies out there?

William (16 months), Avery (2 1/2 years), Jackson (9 months):

It was wonderful to be surrounded by friends today. I wasn't sure how I was going to feel through the event, but everything went great. I even met a new friend, and ran into an old friend I hadn't seen in many, many years.

Thank you to those of you who were able to donate toward our "Ducks for Lucy" team, to those of you who were thinking of our family today, and to those who were able to come out and support. We are hoping to make this an annual fundraising opportunity for our family.