Finding Hope

What is HOPE anyway? I'm not trying to answer that question today by any stretch, but I like the first definition of hope in Merriam-Webster dictionary:

HOPE - to cherish a desire with anticipation.

But I like the definition several lines down more - to TRUST with CONFIDENCE.

Of course, we can try to bottle up the concept in words, but hope is a feeling, a belief.

And feelings are so very hard to describe.

Christmas is now past and the beginning of a New Year is days away. 'Tis the season when we find it appropriate to talk about hope. But it shouldn't be the only season. Hope is all around us, in our daily lives, even in what seems to be the least hoped-for situation. Finding God through the tough times and believing can often be the difficult part. He's there regardless. Hope is there to be found. We may just have trouble seeing it and believing it. We may "cherish a desire"... but do we "trust with confidence"?

I see perfectly healthy babies being born all the time and know many friends getting pregnant. Healthy babies come along every single day. I should have hope. But after losing Lucy I feel like I've become somewhat of a skeptic - for someone who has always tried to see the positive side of things, I'm on the opposite side of the fence for once. It's challenging.

I constantly, daily, roll around different scenarios in my head. I feel guilty in some way that I didn't get the genetic testing done during my pregnancy with Lucy, that I didn't know the sex of my baby before she arrived, and that we hadn't even settled on a NAME. (For heaven's sake, for half of the pregnancy we assumed Lucy was a BOY). There was so much that happened in her short little life. So much hope, and then so many shattered dreams. Moms tend to question themselves entirely too much as it is. I don't even have my sweet Lucy by my side and I'm questioning if I was a good mother to her. I feel as though I lacked in planning for our little miracle baby. We weren't equipped with all of the knowledge that was available to us. How could I have done that?!

At times I have felt a little strange talking about Trisomy 13 - not many people know what it is. Or, if you've heard what it is, you try not to think about it... because you think "oh, that wouldn't happen to ME." I have gone through phases where I've felt ashamed or embarrassed about it and thought "How could this have happened?" All the doctors say it's nothing I did, and additionally my faith says that it's all in God's plan. I know what I'm supposed to believe... but I can't help still thinking that I could have changed it. I had hoped for the best.

This week a friend of mine passed along the blog of the Green family who had a baby girl, Hallie, this past Monday before the holiday. Hallie was born with full Trisomy 13, just like Lucy. The Green family's story about baby Hallie has been truly amazing for me to see. I can relate to the story from the inside because we've lived something similar, but I'm also very much seeing things from the outside looking in.

I am so very glad that The Green Family has openly shared their story about Hallie and Trisomy 13. Hallie was diagnosed prenatally and her parents accepted her whole-heartedly and gave her a chance - this chance - at life. I was just devastated to hear that her sweet, short life came to an end on Christmas Eve. Another sweet angel gone home to be with Jesus. Her story is a beautiful one full of love and hope, and it's still unfolding as this family mourns her loss. Seeing the LOVE that they experienced by her very presence gives me faith that is indestructible and hope that is eternal. It's a sad story - it's heartbreaking. But I have hope. I believe that little Hallie's story will continue to change lives.

If I had to do it all over myself - the pregnancy, the testing options, the time in the hospital with Lucy - I wouldn't change a thing. As much as I can doubt and question myself, I know everything was exactly as it should have been. I run through the scenarios if we'd chosen a different path at different forks in the road. But that isn't what happened.

Our story is just that - OUR story! Lucy's story.

A parents love for their child is built on HOPE. Hope for our babies. It doesn't matter if we got the genetic testing done during pregnancy or if we knew as much as I could possibly know about Lucy. We gave her a chance. We chose Lucy. We had hope in her, and ultimately had hope in God's plan for her. And she fulfilled it with the beauty, grace and love that was her purpose. I can only hope to do that much in my lifetime.

I will never be able to describe hope in words.

But hope is the future. And despite our losses, the future is hopeful.

Find the Green Family here.

I encourage you to surround this family with prayers.

They will need them.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all from the White family.

May God bring you peace, hope and joy through this holiday season and beyond.

Santa Claus is coming to town!

After skipping a visit with Santa last year, we decided that we definitely owed him a visit this year. Our first attempt at visiting Santa was met with a VERY long line, a little girl who kept saying "I don't wanna wait my turn," and a new obsession with escalators. Our 2nd attempt was much more successful with a strategic early arrival at the mall... there were only two families before us and we had an extremely excited little girl who was rearing to go.

In fact, Avery was so excited about seeing Santa that when he arrived she started trembling. For a moment we thought she was scared but we realized that she was actually shaking with happiness and excitement (she has a flair for the dramatic). She had to stand behind a red rope before it was her turn and she kept saying "Move the rope, Mommy... move the rope!" When it was her turn she walked right up to Santa and started chit-chatting. I asked Santa if he thought he would be able to make it to our house on Christmas Eve and he asked Avery if she'd been a good girl. Her response: "I'm wearing a pull-up!"

Ave jumped onto Santa's lap for a picture and told him she wanted a bike. They discussed if it should have two wheels, three wheels or four (though I was looking at photos, so I'm not really sure what they came up with there). She also mentioned she wanted pink boots and a book.

Here is our gal with Santa:

She was more than comfortable chatting it up with the white-bearded man. We were so proud of her! Santa was all compliments telling us we had a really sweetheart. AS IF we didn't know that already! :)

When Avery asked him about cookies, Santa said he liked "round" cookies (of course I had just made two dozen tree, star, candy cane and gingerbread man-shaped cookies) and agreed that the reindeer liked carrots. Then as an after-thought he added that they like oats too (c'mon, Santa... she remembers EVERYTHING. Now we gotta get oats, too?!)

All in all, I'd say we had a really great visit with Santa. Can't wait to see if he brings Avery everything her little heart desires! (Something tells me he just might.)

Turkey Day Catch-Up

This year for Thanksgiving we spent the holiday with Jeff's sister and her family in Greenville, SC. Jeff's parents are in the beginning stages of building a house in St. James, NC (which we are THRILLED about!) and were able to join us in between trips back and forth from that area (as they continued to fine-tune building plans and visited with friends).

It was a laid back, easy visit. Jeanne, Ellison and the kids were wonderful hosts. I was only asked to bring ROLLS... it's like SOMEONE knew I wasn't up for much this year! ;) Avery had an absolute blast playing with cousins Mary Ellison and Ford, especially liking the tea party set in Mary Ellison's room and the "Littlest Petshop" town with the (at-least-a-thousand) pieces to go with it!

Here are some pictures from our Thanksgiving Day,

starting with Miss Sassy-pants:

It was a beautiful day, so we got some fresh fall air!

Avery loved sliding down into the leaves that her cousins piled high for her at the bottom!

Now, onto dinner!

Grandpa & BeeGee with the grandkids,

Mary Ellison (9), Ford (12), Avery (2) and Brooks (15):

Never in a million years...

So many things I have had to do in the last several months are just things you never think you'll have to do... never in a million years. So many of these things break my heart into a trillion pieces. Each time I crumble, I find myself once again picking up the pieces and carefully trying to put them back where they belong.

But I want to remember each and every moment, even the saddest ones. Because they are all part of our journey.

I'm driving to the cemetery today with this in my car:

Lucy, I find comfort in knowing you're taken care of up in heaven - and you're in the very best hands. Sweet girl, you make me a better person every day... but I MISS YOU.

Love you girly-girl.

Avery's First Haircut

What's that, Ma? I need a HAIRCUT?!

I had been in serious denial that Avery was in need of a haircut. Serious denial. I couldn't let go of her blonde wispy baby hair. I mean it took SO LONG to get here. But it was time.

Here are my last snapshots of her with her "crazy hair," as she patiently waited her turn at the kiddie salon:

At Pigtails and Crewcuts, they specialize in kids haircuts, and Avery just loved it. Her stylist Tiara made her feel comfortable, and Avery wasn't afraid to ask for special treats like animal crackers and lollipops during her time there. She was able to choose what "vehicle" she sat in, and of course she choose the firetruck over the taxi (who wouldn't?)

She even LOVED getting her hair dried with the blow-dryer. So cute.

And yes, the stylist smiled the entire time. I mean, love your job much? (Or maybe she's just happy to have my kid? The child next to her was NOT as patient with the haircut experience.) So sweet regardless!

After she was done, Avery got to select a prize from the treasure chest. If you know about Avery's fondness for all-things-pirate, you could probably guess just how excited she was about that part.

So excited that I never got another decent "after" picture of her hair until later on...

And just like she's becoming a southern little gal with a major bow in her hair, her Southern accent has started being more apparent in words like "Thay-er" for "there" and "Yaa-yah" for "yeah."

So, yes, Avery just got her first "Hay-er" cut!

TADA! :)

Thank YOU

I probably don’t have to tell you that it’s not always easy for me to be thankful at the moment. But I have found out how thankful I can be, even in a tough time. So thankful that I try to write thank you notes but can’t find the right words... what I feel is far too great to write on a piece of paper. I'm not sure how to express what I feel - it seems more complicated. What's the proper way to say "thank you" when those words just don't seem to do it?

Over the last several months people have reached out to us in many ways. Some people we may have expected to hear from, others we did not. We appreciate you all.

You've given hugs.
You’ve dropped off meals.
You’ve sent cards.
You’ve sent emails and text messages.
You’ve listened.
You’ve offered financial support.

You've shared your own stories of loss.
You’ve donated in Lucy's honor.
You’ve taken care of things for us.
You’ve sent meaningful gifts.
You’ve been there.
You’ve prayed for us. And still are.

I am teary-eyed right now as I write with feelings of gratitude. The outpouring of love we have felt from not only our friends and family... but our acquaintances, and even strangers!? It leaves me amazed and speechless.

Thankful doesn’t even describe it. It just doesn’t.

I’m getting notes about how our daughter Lucy's story has touched your lives and these stories make me smile from ear to ear. They fill me with happiness. You are giving me something to hold on to, and these stories are ones I will carry with me forever.

God is truly at work in our lives, and it’s amazing to see what He is doing. And I'm realizing that no matter how complicated the feeling might be, the words are very simple.

Thank you.
Thank YOU.

At Thanksgiving time this year, we especially want to thank the Lord for blessings that come in the form of people that care so deeply for us.

“Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.”
~ Psalm 100: 4-5

Coping with the Holidays

Last night Jeff and I sat in a room.

We sat in a room with 20+ people.

Last night we sat in a circle in a room with 20+ people who have lost babies. In other words, we went to our first grief support group. This one specifically focused on coping with the holidays after an infant loss. (No matter how you say it... it doesn't make it any easier.)

Last night when I entered the room at Kindermourn, a non-profit that supports families dealing with grief, I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. I didn’t say a word. The room was full of what I heard as anxious whispers. I was hot... then I was cold... then I was hot again. There were cookies on the table that no one touched. Someone asked if I wanted a drink. I said no. ‘Why is this so uncomfortable?’ I thought. Because - let’s face it – the subject is just uncomfortable. At Kindermourn their infant, stillbirth and miscarriage loss groups are called “Empty Arms” groups, and that is just what we came to talk about. I expected to have a baby in my arms, and now I’m sitting in a metal chair in a room with strangers about to talk about something that makes me sad. And mad. And emotional. And confused.

But how quickly the tides turned. The group facilitator, Michael, instantly brought a sense of warmth to the group. There were no secrets there in that room. We were all there because we had similar experiences and needed support. We may have had specific questions, or, like me... may have had no idea what to even ask. I just knew I needed to be there.

Talk about being around people who just “get it.” We heard from a group of panelists who discussed how to cope with the already-emotionally-fueled holidays after a loss. Let me tell you, hearing others’ stories of loss was NOT pleasant. The stories shared were sad, horrible, not fair... excruciating. It was an awful way to be brought together – by having something so devastating in common. There is almost an instant form of camaraderie in a group like that once people start opening up, though. It feels like we have put on our heavy armor and are preparing for battle together.

So there we sat. And there we supported one another. There we collected ideas of how to preserve the memory of our child. We talked about making decisions about how we need to celebrate (or not celebrate) during the holidays and the importance of saying “no” if we needed to. We talked about the hustle and bustle of the holidays and what frustration we may expect to feel. We heard from one mother whose fury got taken out on a Target employee who was just a little “too jolly” last Christmas. One mother spoke about how far she’d come from her 1^st holiday season after losing her son... to now her 5^th.

We are trying to think of some ways to make Lucy a part of our holiday season this year. She is a precious memory and part of our family. We love traditions, and she needs to be tied to our traditions. We’ll light a candle in honor of Lucy. We’ll get an ornament in her memory to put on our tree. We’ll talk about how thankful we are and what better people we are for having known her.

Any you know what? Hudson’s family will be doing the same thing for him. And so will Caroline and Christina’s family. And so will Gabriella’s family. These babies are amazing gifts and we will remember them.

I’m so glad that there is a support system of people for times like these. We are certainly not alone. I can only hope to help someone else in the future by offering the perspective that some of the parents offered me last night. Like one mother said, “Being here for others years later... it’s a simple way to give back. Someone did it for me.”

"Foo" Real

Last week Jeff and I went to see one of my favorite bands, the Foo Fighters, live at Time Warner Arena. They played an almost 3-hour set, and we had a blast. Totally fell in love (all over again) with this song... just wanted to share the lyrics.

Times Like These

I am a one way motorway
I’m the one that drives away
Then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I’m a wild light blinding bright
Burning off alone

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I’m a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

I remember when Jeff bought the concert tickets a while back I didn't think I'd be able to muster up the strength to go - just thought I wouldn't be up to much of anything. Maybe I really didn't think I'd ever be "excited" about anything or maybe it was that I didn't want to allow myself to have fun. I got there though! And I'm proud of that. When he made the purchase, Jeff had said, "It'll be something fun to look forward to." I'm so glad he thought ahead in this way. It was fun for us to go, and MAN... the Foo Fighters really are amazing in concert!

I will say it was the first rock concert I've shed a tear at, though. Those emotions are ruthless and can find you anywhere!

"Foo" REAL!

Pumpkins and Pirates

On a recent "Daddy-Daughter Day" Jeff took Avery to pick out her fall pumpkin.

She searched for the perfect one,

and brought him home.

Mommy and Avery scooped him out...

And made him a kitty cat face!

(None of those silly carving patterns, here... all free hand, people. Not that you can't tell. He is crooked, after all.)

Avery recently has gotten very into pirates.

We hear "Arg!" and "Yo, ho, ho" every day it seems.

She even calls us "Captain Mommy" and "Captain Daddy" from time to time.

I kid you not.

When she decided she wanted to dress up as a pirate this year I knew Captain Mommy had to come through for her. Here's our little pirate:

Ave's matey Finn came over dressed as another obsession of hers, a dragon (well, technically I think he was a dino, but Avery LOVES dragons, so she called him a dragon).

And they went a-searchin' for treasure in the form of CANDY!:

Avery loved the idea of trick-or-treating, and would yell "Happy Halloween" every time instead of "Trick or Treat!" It was quite entertaining... she kept popping "jazz" hands out to the sides, striking a pose with a cheesy grin on her face, exclaiming "Happy Halloween!" at the top of her lungs. Once we laughed, she knew it was funny and that's what stuck.

And, yes, you're seeing right... Avery owns a pair of toddler "jeggings."

Keep on keepin' on

Get ready for a long, long blog post, y'all. It's catch up time!

Hope you've got a minute...

We've been staying busy the last couple months. We're enjoying our family time, getting back to our routines and adjusting. We've had many visitors and dinners with friends... lots of reminiscing as we laugh and cry together. We're making new memories, which makes us full of thankfulness. We take time to enjoy life to the fullest.

I want to start with

Avery's current "Top 10" List:

(1) ICE CREAM, or, rather, fro-yo from Menchie's

(for the record, I believe this is Nana's #1 too):

(2) THE PARK, where Avery rules the playground:

(3) HAIR ACCESSORIES, such as her Rapunzel hair extension, modeled below:

(4) SHOES ('nuff said):

(5) Serving up some PLAY FOOD

(here, Rapunzel lucked out with a massive steak for dinner):

(6) PHOTOGRAPHY

(below, a sample of her work, entitled "peek-a-boo cat-tail"):

(7) DRESS UP, especially with her FAIRY COSTUME

from (Great) Aunt Julie:

(8) CUPCAKES! (again, 'nuff said!):

(9) ENTERTAINING (and looking cute at the same time):

(10) SERIOUS CUDDLE SESSIONS

(Why so serious, Avery?):

In other news...

We escaped to the beach over Labor Day Weekend:

Serious sand castle-making ensued...

... even on our stormy beach day, we toughed it out!

Breaking for a smooch:

(everybody say "aww!")

We also got to see Nana & Papa quite a bit over the last several months. Avery really enjoyed one evening when we went to the "Cowfish" Restaurant. She kept asking "what's the 'cowfish'?" Good question, Avery, good question. Then she moved on to trying to figure out how she could get the "moneys" out of the fountain. Very, very curious little girl! Avery loves her Nana & Papa, but she especially loved riding in Papa's car. "I liiiike your car, Papa!"

Grandpa & BeeGee also came for a visit!

BeeGee taught Avery how to ice a cake:

...and gave her a little pumpkin on a stick to decorate!

Other highlights from the last several months include...

More cake on Daddy's birthday! Hooray!

Picnicking with Finn (& Colleen):

Teaching Will how to rock crazy hair:

Being silly with Parker:

Then there was also our visit to the Lazy 5 Ranch.

Brace yourselves... I told you this was a long post.

Lazy 5 Ranch is a drive-thru animal park. We saw ostriches, lots of deer, goats, pigs, zebra, giraffes and more! Nana, Aunt Erin, Parker, Avery and I went up there in August. 4 out of the 5 of us were quite freaked out by the animals being so close (yes, the youngest member, Parker, was the least afraid) but we had to tough it out. We couldn't get off the wagon, haha. The water buffalo FREAKED ME OUT. Was trying to be so tough so Avery wouldn't be scared. Eeks. It turns out water buffalo love me. I'm pretty sure it was because I was holding a bucket of food. And they expect you to want to feed them by hand. Ugh. And I was afraid to put the bucket down because I thought they would just go for my feet. On the upside, everyone seemed to get a kick out of them surrounding me. And it was a huge distraction from what had been going on lately.

Not sure what we are in for yet...

Here we go...

YAY, animals!

Parker, excited by the giraffes:

Avery, freaking out a bit over the giraffes:

And... me getting harassed by hungry buffalo. Ew!

After the wagon tour we walked through the rest of the park.

Animals behind fences. MUCH more our style! :)

Oh, and a super-cute lemur.

I will end with a "28-month" Avery update.

Our little girl is inquisitive, bright and positive. She is intuitive and sensitive. She is passionate, stubborn and she is getting to be straight-up manipulative! She is still very into helping and has a crazy-big imagination. Her two-year-old mind amazes me and she continues to grow and develop mentally, physically and emotionally. She knows all her colors and can count to 14 (which she then repeats several times in a row until she says "20"). I looked at her the other day and asked, "When did you become a big girl?" She said, "I'm not a big girl." So I asked, "Well, what are you? A baby? A LITTLE girl?" She replied, "I'm Avery."

Well, ok then. It's just that simple.

It doesn't matter what she is, she's our Avery. ;)

Just when you thought I was done, I give you more.

Exactly two months after Lucy's death,

we spotted this double rainbow in the sky:

(The second one is to the far right, but doesn't show up as well as it did in real life!)

I had never seen a double rainbow before, but it just felt like it was meant for us! Avery was SO excited, and the two little rainbows made me think of my two little girls who will always be together in spirit.

Avery, when you read this one day, I want you to know that you talk about your baby sister so much. You ask about her and talk about heaven and Jesus without our prompting. Your favorite picture of baby Lucy is the one where she is naked and crying on the hospital scale being weighed. I have no idea why, but it's just so sweet that you have a favorite picture and want to see it often. You are going to be an amazing individual with so much love to offer the world. We believe in you and love you. You bring us tremendous amounts of JOY!

Thanks to all of you for joining us and supporting us on our life journey.

There is much more of the White family to come!