Lucy Love Project 2014

We did it guys, we did it! The Lucy Love Project was a success, and I owe it to all of you!

When we started the Lucy Love Project two years ago I had no idea what it would turn into as time went on. I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep it up. Time is so precious, and spare minutes are few and far between. Yet, I often think about how life would be a whole lot more crazy with Lucy here. I'd surely have even fewer spare minutes. My heart longs to provide for her and to express my love for her, therefore directing some of the extra time I have toward this project is quite meaningful to me.

To our families and friends -- YOU ARE AWESOME. The way you step forward to be a part of this movement is amazing. 

To friends of friends -- people I never knew before this -- thank you for sharing your stories of your NICU babies. Babies that have survived, and are ROCKING it. These stories make me happy, because I know it wasn't an easy journey. Thank you for joining this as a tribute to the care you received in the NICU. 

As always, I must also thank my amazing community of other loss moms. The women I know that have experienced pregnancy and infant loss seem to know my heart like NO other. To have their support in this is a beautiful thing.

After collecting an impressive amount of donations... OVER $2000!... We decided that the need for blankets was greatest, and we went from doing 200 blankets last year to 300 this year! The second need was for clothing, so we were able to order an additional 200 screen-printed onesies.

Two years ago, my friend and past co-worker Lindsay created a logo and t-shirt design to be used for this project. I am forever grateful. This year she helped me design little tags to wrap around the blankets. Aren't they cute?

My dad's company, United Sport Apparel, helps us to get the blankets at low costs --- so we can get higher quantities of the product. We added the sweet little embroidered hearts again this year.

One evening friends came over to help me roll blankets and tie tags. They're seriously the best. Avery also was eager to help, so she assisted in the "production" line as well. In my last batch, she did a really wonderful job tying the ribbons.

We delivered the blankets to the NICU at Levine Children's Hospital on October 18th. Seeing our handwritten notes and boxes stacked up high, my heart surged with joy, but I'm not gonna lie...  saying "goodbye" was hard. I prayed over those boxes and over the blankets --- that they may find their way into the arms of those who need them most.

Avery drew a picture of Lucy with angel wings for the nurses. Inside the card read "THANK YOU." Just seeing it left me teary-eyed. This project really means something to her now so I didn't know what to say to her when she begged to see the babies at the hospital... which were not able to do. (Although, much to her delight, when we entered the Levine Children's Hospital they had a huge life-size cardboard cutout of Elsa from Disney's Frozen - it served as a wonderful distraction).

I am humbled and appreciative of the love and support that was put in to this project. Thank you to everyone who donated time, money and energy to help with this. 

I must thank my daughter Lucy, who ignited a spark, and sprung us into action. We have a choice - to live in darkness or embrace the light. God has not let me down. He renews my hope daily, even on the hard days. I have a passion to share the light that I have found in this role as a loss mom and encourage others to do the same.

Pass It On is a song I sang at church camp when I was younger. The words ring so true:

It only takes a spark to get a fire going
And soon all those around can warm up in the glowing
That's how it is with God's love one you experience it
You'll spread His love to everyone
You want to pass it on.

Almost Three Years

Hi, it’s me. (The strange girl that used to keep a blog here!)

I have some thoughts I need to share as we approach another birthday without my sweet daughter Lucy. It’s hard to believe that it’s almost been three years since we met her. I see other babies and I still wish she was here. That her fate would have been different. That her purpose was to live here on Earth for a while with the rest of us, instead of being swooped up to heaven within her first week.

A friend of mine’s almost-three year old is building sand castles on beach trips and playing in the dirt. I wish I had my little almost three year old and her extra set of dirty little finger nails to scrub. My almost-three year old nephew is talking up a storm and is a master of breaking toys. He’s like an adorable mini-Incredible Hulk. I wish a could carry on silly (and sometimes completely irrational or repetitive) conversations and tend to a game that doesn’t work like it should because someone didn’t use “gentle hands.” I just love the 2- and 3- year old age of discovery. So if I stare at your three-year old for longer than I should, know my mama heart is grieving, and also receiving. I'm taking in all the goodness, and sweetness, and maybe even rottenness that three can bring.

So, here’s something about the almost three year mark: I still struggle with how to talk about our family. When I go somewhere with Avery and someone asks me, “Is she your only one?” I pause, my palms sweat, my heart races. How would that person know that they asked me such a loaded question. In one fleeting moment I analyze everything about that stranger – and decide how much I share. Now that I have a third child it is very easy to gush about my beautiful 10 month old son. Because, well, he envelopes all that is good, and joyous, and fun. But it hurts to not include Lucy. And it hurts to include her too. It is painful to open up my heart and soul to a stranger -- for me, yes, but also because it feels like I'm dropping a bombshell on that person. I tell them I have a daughter that I lost as a baby… and then I sit back silently asking them to choose a reaction – and plead that they make it good and acceptable to a grieving mother. That’s not how I FEEL, it’s just what it feels like.

Recently my 5-year old daughter taught me something. She taught me how easy those conversations can be if I allow them to be. She was chatting to a neighborhood girl much older than she when she just said, “I have a brother AND a sister.” She continued after thinking for a minute, “They are both babies. But my sister is in heaven. She came second but she will always be a baby.” The older girl said, “You know, that’s ok.” And my daughter said, “Yep,” and then continued on to the next topic. This was so cool to witness the ease and confidence.

Also, one day Avery’s Pre-K teacher told me about Avery coming up in the middle of an activity and said that she really missed her sister Lucy. Kathy, her teacher, said she pulled Avery up into her lap and told her all about her own daughter, who also went to heaven a long time ago when SHE was a baby. The tears fell from my eyes as she shared with me about how close to home our story hit. About her own sweet daughter that never got to live here on Earth. And she said that though it had been a long time ago, Avery opened her wide open – the feelings were still deep and the void was still there. It hurt less all these years later, but the pain was very real. She confided in a friend of hers how this little girl in her class had brought her back to a time in her life that she so rarely shared anymore.

Then Avery's teacher Kathy shared something else with me. It was about one of her living daughters. Her grown daughter had told her recently how much it affected her life knowing that her mother lost that baby all those years ago. She told her mom that she thought about her missing sister a lot and imagined how life would be different growing up with her. She mentioned what an impact it had on her life and how she lived.

When I worry about my kids not having their sister here to share a bond with, I will remember that THANKFULLY there is no line between heaven and Earth that keeps love confined. When you keep someone’s memory alive, you are doing incredible things for others and connecting with people in unexpected places. You are creating a space for your children to think and imagine and dream. And hope. And pray.

I don’t know that it gets “easier” to talk about your family when death is a part of your story. So, we will see how it goes. No matter the choice I make in that split second when someone asks about my kids, I will make the one that is right for me at that very moment. It doesn’t always make sense, but that is a part of what makes me, me.

I’m so blown away by what my kids… all three of them… have to share with me, and the world. Share on, my little ones. Shine so bright that the whole world can see! I will continue to learn from you.

Questions and Memories

I replayed Lucy's birth today in my mind. I do this quite often and as I do I ask myself many questions. Some are old questions I have asked myself many times, but others are new. Did she cry when they took her from me? No, but I heard her make a sound. The doctors took her across the room to look at her before they gave her to me. How long was she away from me? I don't know. The world was still yet my head was spinning. I would otherwise assume that I was holding my breath, but I think I remember asking aloud, "How is she? Is she alright?" over and over again. I remember Kathy, my midwife, inquiring of the doctors in a determined voice to get the answer I sought. I remember Kathy to the right side of my hospital bed, and my husband on the left side. I remember the waiting, and the feeling of my legs, numb - the desperation in knowing they would fail me if I tried to spring from the bed to run over to her. It felt like my heart left my body to be with Lucy.

Then they brought her to me, wrapped up in a blanket and said, "She's doing GREAT." I held her and cried. And laughed and smiled. I examined the cleft in her lip and dreamed of a future for her. I knew it wouldn't be easy but knew that she was special. I was determined to help her have the best life I knew to give her.

Sometimes I'm glad I didn't know at that point she had Trisomy 13 and that she'd only live for less than 6 days. Other times I feel so guilty I didn't know. In those moments of doubt and sadness I want to go back and find out during pregnancy so that I could have been more ready to... wait, ready for what exactly? To know she was going to die? I can't imagine how hard that would have been. It's interesting to me that I still deliberate on if I should have done the amnio to test for Trisomy prenatally. Could it have been better if I had known? The answer is always the same. To know or not know would have been tough. And the outcome is the same. She'd still be gone.

March was Trisomy Awareness month. I saw others write about it and talk about it. I feel like I lost my voice. I don't have the energy to write about it, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about what it means to have a daughter with Trisomy 13. March is always a hard month regardless because it's the month we found out that things with my 2nd pregnancy weren't "right." Three years have gone by and so much has changed for the better, yet I just know I'll always ache to hold my sweet Lucy and kiss her face.

There are so many questions and so many memories. I can't separate myself from all of it because my heart is eternally intertwined to my baby girl's. Yet the memories fade, so I will try and document them the best as I can as they come back.

Austin is 6 months old!

Time is flying so fast with this little bambino that I can't seem to keep up with the updates. :)

There is no doubt that Austin's love for his sister Avery grows every day. He adores her.

Austin is sitting up on his own and still loves to talk it up.

Austin has continued to get ear infections which is no fun for any of us. It pushed back our sleep "training" and I continued to nurse him in the night for comfort. It's exhausting, but I also know these days are short lived when it's all said and done.

This month Austin started reaching out to be picked up.

Austin understands the words "hug," "kiss," "milk," and "kick."

He has discovered his feet and likes to grab at them.

I don't know that 6 months could be any sweeter with this little guy. "We love you to Neptune and back, Austin!" (That one comes from Avery)

December 2013

The holiday season always flies by in a flash. Such a busy, consuming time of year. Thankfully, we made a lot of fun family memories and upheld our family traditions.

Each year my college girlfriends and I get together for a Christmas party and ornament exchange.

So begins the saga of Avery obsessing over the Princess Palace.

She even drew a picture of the Princess Palace to make sure we knew what she wanted. This was not originally on her Christmas list but she was certain Santa was coming through for her. (Santa had some bargain-hunting to do).

Avery performed in her preschool Christmas program, and dressed up as a Christmas gift. Her favorite song was "10 Little Angels (in the band)" where she got to play Christmas bells. After practicing every day at home hamming it up, she scowled during her performance and seemed completely annoyed by the boys in her class that were screaming the words. At least mommy humored her and let her wear "sparkles" - aka sparkly makeup we bought for Halloween.

A special treat - Nana and Papa came up for the performance!

This year we went to a Polar Express event with friends. Avery made up a note for Santa.

Meeting the big guy.

I helped with Avery's Christmas class party this year.

Found the perfect tree at Home Depot!

Christmas Eve service at church

No one was pleased during our first couple takes of photos on Christmas Eve.

That's better!

Christmas morning! Avery got the Princess Palace!

Our great family present was an ice cream maker - yum!

Remembering Lucy on the special day. On Christmas Eve I lost it, knowing that the holidays would be a lot different with a little two-year-old running around.

Austin's first trip over to "Lucy's stone." Avery drew her a picture and we took flowers to her special place of rest.

This was a very special Christmas and time to remember all the many blessings in our lives. Having Austin here made for all the more fun. Watching him discover new sights and sounds as he took it all in was so sweet. Avery loved the entire season, and although Christmas gift-giving was certainly the highlight for her, she also enjoyed learning about Jesus and the significance of him being born on this earth. This year I'm striving to carry the meaning of Christmas love and hope throughout the year. It's not always easy to keep it forefront in our lives, but I'm going to try!

Austin is 5 months old!

Say hello to our little 5 month old!

It has taken almost 5 months for Austin to come to terms with the bottle.  It's been a challenge, but we've been doing our homework and bottle-training!

This month Austin did some back-tracking on sleep. Little man went from sleeping nice long stretches to more like 4-6 hour stretches. This was due in part to a cold that he got before Christmas that developed into an ear infection. That sent him into a tailspin pattern of waking up one or two times in the night and acting like it was imperative that he eat. We still seem to be doing this. I don't mind the extra cuddles and all, but I'm tired. Sleep training shall begin soon.

Austin can now support himself briefly in a tripod seated position. He is very proud of himself!

He gets excited about discovering new toys, sights and sounds.

Austin JUST rolled from his tummy to his back this month. He is liking tummy time more and more.

I do not think Austin's ego will be hurting any time soon. The number one phrase he tends to hear each day from his big sis Avery is: "Austin, you're the cutest boy in the whole world!!!!"

Austin continues to be like to be held, and he has done very well in the Ergo carrier. It's been great for both of us!

He is pretty friendly and will smile at people when they smile and speak sweetly to him. He prefers to be in the safety of my or Jeff's arms when meeting new people. He also will smile at people then immediately play coy and bury his face in my shoulder. So endearing and precious.

Austin love been read to! He sits quietly sometimes and other times he likes to talk during books. Either way, he grabs them, tastes them and tries to turn the pages already.

Have I mentioned that baby giggles are simply the best?! Austin is giggling and when he starts going at it, it's contagious. We can't help it - we all start giggling. It's just so darn stinkin' cute.

Austin is already over 16 pounds and is maintaining right in the 50th percentile range. He seems eager to eat solids so we will start trying over the next couple weeks.