2016 Lucy Love Project Delivery

I hope everyone is enjoying a happy and healthy holiday season. I wanted to take a moment to say THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for donating to the Lucy Love Project this year. You've helped us deliver 350 blankets to the babies in the NICU!

Each year, we are beyond touched at the support and love you show us and the babies that are cared for at Levine Children's Hospital.

We had a chance to drop off the blankets this weekend and connect with a staff member there that expressed how over the moon excited they are to get our blanket delivery each year. They get many donations, but these sweet pink and blue blankets are a highlight for them. There are many babies that will remain in the hospital over the holidays and these blankets will be given to them. It brings tears to my eyes knowing that so many people can be loved on, even from afar, by you. 

While I was standing in the atrium, a woman walked in to visit someone. She saw us, stopped, and hesitantly asked me what we were doing with the blankets. After a few minutes she was proudly showing me pictures of her sweet grandson who was in the ICU, but there was so much pain in her eyes, as she shared that she's caring for 5 grandchildren for a daughter who is not around for them. I handed her a blanket and gave her a hug. She was so excited to give it to her grandson. What a gift it was to be part of her story - if even for a moment. It reminded me that there are individuals beyond each blanket that was delivered, and I hope they can bring each person a little slice of hope and joy. That is what a "simple" blanket we received at the hospital did for my family just 5 1/2 years ago. It's now a symbol and reminder of a time and a place, and hold sweet memories of our daughter Lucy.

Attached are some pictures from the blanket delivery. Many thanks from our family to yours! 

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,

Kate, Jeff, Avery and Austin White 

Lucy Love Project 2016

There are just some pictures I look at and can't help thinking about a little girl who's missing "in between" my A + A. 

It's truly hard to believe that sweet Lucy would be 5 and starting kindergarten this year. There are just so many milestones we won't be able to celebrate with her, but this one surely stings. Many little ones I know are the same age as Lucy would be, and they carry this special place in my heart. I watch them celebrate milestones with happy and sad tears in my eyes.

I wonder, What would she look like? How would she act? What would make her laugh? It still feels like a nightmare I'll wake up from at times.

This blog served it's purpose years ago to relay information and updates to our family and friends. Now I rarely take to it, and can't even figure out how to update the blog layout. While it's quite outdated, I wanted to still use it to deliver this note. We've done a fundraiser each year in memory of Lucy, and while saddened our regular blankets are not available this year, my friend Kim with KJB Marketing and Promotions (along with the helpful hearts of MANY others who leapt to assist us!) is helping this project come to fruition again this year.

This post is a call to celebrate my daughter Lucy with us again this year by giving back to other families that are experiences the highs and lows of living with an infant in the Neonatal Intensive Care Nurseries at Levine Children's Hospital. We know that not all lose their babies, thank God Almighty, but even just living in that world for a day or a month or a year ... well, it's scary and confusing.

We will be collecting money to support our cause - just $6 will purchase a brand new baby blanket with a simple and sweet heart embroidered on it. The heart is a symbol of the love that continues to live on far past death. You can help us in donations of ANY amount, or you can donate a bundles of blankets. Please feel free to donate in honor or memory of others you've lost and loved. This is about coming together to reflect, remember and share hope with others.

Please visit the LUCY LOVE PROJECT Donation Page to help us reach our goal.

Thank you from the bottom of our hearts!

Hope Floats 2015

We had another successful year out at the Whitewater Center for Kindermourn's fundraiser "Hope Floats." We had fun with friends for a great cause while remembering our own little girl. Can you believe Lucy would have turned 4 this summer? I can't.

Our team, "Ducks for Lucy," raised money that will help other families grieving the loss of a loved one. I run into people all the time that have been touched by the work that Kindermourn does. In fact, I connected with Avery's Sunday School teacher the morning of the race. When she told him that she was going to the duck race later that day he was moved. Kindermourn helped him after the loss of his own son many years ago. The money from one little duck purchase really does bring hope and a sense of peace to others.

Here are some pictures from the day:

Cameron, Emory and Jackson. Emory and Jackson were born the same year as Lucy, and every time I see them I am in awe. Love to watch them play and imagine what Lucy would be like at this stage!

I'm not proud, but he is. He totally swiped this football at the Duck Race! Oops!

Thank you to our beautiful friends who purchased ducks, came out to the race, or simply remembered Lucy this day. As always, we are grateful for your continued support and love!

Lucy Love Project 2014

We did it guys, we did it! The Lucy Love Project was a success, and I owe it to all of you!

When we started the Lucy Love Project two years ago I had no idea what it would turn into as time went on. I was worried I wouldn't be able to keep it up. Time is so precious, and spare minutes are few and far between. Yet, I often think about how life would be a whole lot more crazy with Lucy here. I'd surely have even fewer spare minutes. My heart longs to provide for her and to express my love for her, therefore directing some of the extra time I have toward this project is quite meaningful to me.

To our families and friends -- YOU ARE AWESOME. The way you step forward to be a part of this movement is amazing. 

To friends of friends -- people I never knew before this -- thank you for sharing your stories of your NICU babies. Babies that have survived, and are ROCKING it. These stories make me happy, because I know it wasn't an easy journey. Thank you for joining this as a tribute to the care you received in the NICU. 

As always, I must also thank my amazing community of other loss moms. The women I know that have experienced pregnancy and infant loss seem to know my heart like NO other. To have their support in this is a beautiful thing.

After collecting an impressive amount of donations... OVER $2000!... We decided that the need for blankets was greatest, and we went from doing 200 blankets last year to 300 this year! The second need was for clothing, so we were able to order an additional 200 screen-printed onesies.

Two years ago, my friend and past co-worker Lindsay created a logo and t-shirt design to be used for this project. I am forever grateful. This year she helped me design little tags to wrap around the blankets. Aren't they cute?

My dad's company, United Sport Apparel, helps us to get the blankets at low costs --- so we can get higher quantities of the product. We added the sweet little embroidered hearts again this year.

One evening friends came over to help me roll blankets and tie tags. They're seriously the best. Avery also was eager to help, so she assisted in the "production" line as well. In my last batch, she did a really wonderful job tying the ribbons.

We delivered the blankets to the NICU at Levine Children's Hospital on October 18th. Seeing our handwritten notes and boxes stacked up high, my heart surged with joy, but I'm not gonna lie...  saying "goodbye" was hard. I prayed over those boxes and over the blankets --- that they may find their way into the arms of those who need them most.

Avery drew a picture of Lucy with angel wings for the nurses. Inside the card read "THANK YOU." Just seeing it left me teary-eyed. This project really means something to her now so I didn't know what to say to her when she begged to see the babies at the hospital... which were not able to do. (Although, much to her delight, when we entered the Levine Children's Hospital they had a huge life-size cardboard cutout of Elsa from Disney's Frozen - it served as a wonderful distraction).

I am humbled and appreciative of the love and support that was put in to this project. Thank you to everyone who donated time, money and energy to help with this. 

I must thank my daughter Lucy, who ignited a spark, and sprung us into action. We have a choice - to live in darkness or embrace the light. God has not let me down. He renews my hope daily, even on the hard days. I have a passion to share the light that I have found in this role as a loss mom and encourage others to do the same.

Pass It On is a song I sang at church camp when I was younger. The words ring so true:

It only takes a spark to get a fire going
And soon all those around can warm up in the glowing
That's how it is with God's love one you experience it
You'll spread His love to everyone
You want to pass it on.

Almost Three Years

Hi, it’s me. (The strange girl that used to keep a blog here!)

I have some thoughts I need to share as we approach another birthday without my sweet daughter Lucy. It’s hard to believe that it’s almost been three years since we met her. I see other babies and I still wish she was here. That her fate would have been different. That her purpose was to live here on Earth for a while with the rest of us, instead of being swooped up to heaven within her first week.

A friend of mine’s almost-three year old is building sand castles on beach trips and playing in the dirt. I wish I had my little almost three year old and her extra set of dirty little finger nails to scrub. My almost-three year old nephew is talking up a storm and is a master of breaking toys. He’s like an adorable mini-Incredible Hulk. I wish a could carry on silly (and sometimes completely irrational or repetitive) conversations and tend to a game that doesn’t work like it should because someone didn’t use “gentle hands.” I just love the 2- and 3- year old age of discovery. So if I stare at your three-year old for longer than I should, know my mama heart is grieving, and also receiving. I'm taking in all the goodness, and sweetness, and maybe even rottenness that three can bring.

So, here’s something about the almost three year mark: I still struggle with how to talk about our family. When I go somewhere with Avery and someone asks me, “Is she your only one?” I pause, my palms sweat, my heart races. How would that person know that they asked me such a loaded question. In one fleeting moment I analyze everything about that stranger – and decide how much I share. Now that I have a third child it is very easy to gush about my beautiful 10 month old son. Because, well, he envelopes all that is good, and joyous, and fun. But it hurts to not include Lucy. And it hurts to include her too. It is painful to open up my heart and soul to a stranger -- for me, yes, but also because it feels like I'm dropping a bombshell on that person. I tell them I have a daughter that I lost as a baby… and then I sit back silently asking them to choose a reaction – and plead that they make it good and acceptable to a grieving mother. That’s not how I FEEL, it’s just what it feels like.

Recently my 5-year old daughter taught me something. She taught me how easy those conversations can be if I allow them to be. She was chatting to a neighborhood girl much older than she when she just said, “I have a brother AND a sister.” She continued after thinking for a minute, “They are both babies. But my sister is in heaven. She came second but she will always be a baby.” The older girl said, “You know, that’s ok.” And my daughter said, “Yep,” and then continued on to the next topic. This was so cool to witness the ease and confidence.

Also, one day Avery’s Pre-K teacher told me about Avery coming up in the middle of an activity and said that she really missed her sister Lucy. Kathy, her teacher, said she pulled Avery up into her lap and told her all about her own daughter, who also went to heaven a long time ago when SHE was a baby. The tears fell from my eyes as she shared with me about how close to home our story hit. About her own sweet daughter that never got to live here on Earth. And she said that though it had been a long time ago, Avery opened her wide open – the feelings were still deep and the void was still there. It hurt less all these years later, but the pain was very real. She confided in a friend of hers how this little girl in her class had brought her back to a time in her life that she so rarely shared anymore.

Then Avery's teacher Kathy shared something else with me. It was about one of her living daughters. Her grown daughter had told her recently how much it affected her life knowing that her mother lost that baby all those years ago. She told her mom that she thought about her missing sister a lot and imagined how life would be different growing up with her. She mentioned what an impact it had on her life and how she lived.

When I worry about my kids not having their sister here to share a bond with, I will remember that THANKFULLY there is no line between heaven and Earth that keeps love confined. When you keep someone’s memory alive, you are doing incredible things for others and connecting with people in unexpected places. You are creating a space for your children to think and imagine and dream. And hope. And pray.

I don’t know that it gets “easier” to talk about your family when death is a part of your story. So, we will see how it goes. No matter the choice I make in that split second when someone asks about my kids, I will make the one that is right for me at that very moment. It doesn’t always make sense, but that is a part of what makes me, me.

I’m so blown away by what my kids… all three of them… have to share with me, and the world. Share on, my little ones. Shine so bright that the whole world can see! I will continue to learn from you.

Questions and Memories

I replayed Lucy's birth today in my mind. I do this quite often and as I do I ask myself many questions. Some are old questions I have asked myself many times, but others are new. Did she cry when they took her from me? No, but I heard her make a sound. The doctors took her across the room to look at her before they gave her to me. How long was she away from me? I don't know. The world was still yet my head was spinning. I would otherwise assume that I was holding my breath, but I think I remember asking aloud, "How is she? Is she alright?" over and over again. I remember Kathy, my midwife, inquiring of the doctors in a determined voice to get the answer I sought. I remember Kathy to the right side of my hospital bed, and my husband on the left side. I remember the waiting, and the feeling of my legs, numb - the desperation in knowing they would fail me if I tried to spring from the bed to run over to her. It felt like my heart left my body to be with Lucy.

Then they brought her to me, wrapped up in a blanket and said, "She's doing GREAT." I held her and cried. And laughed and smiled. I examined the cleft in her lip and dreamed of a future for her. I knew it wouldn't be easy but knew that she was special. I was determined to help her have the best life I knew to give her.

Sometimes I'm glad I didn't know at that point she had Trisomy 13 and that she'd only live for less than 6 days. Other times I feel so guilty I didn't know. In those moments of doubt and sadness I want to go back and find out during pregnancy so that I could have been more ready to... wait, ready for what exactly? To know she was going to die? I can't imagine how hard that would have been. It's interesting to me that I still deliberate on if I should have done the amnio to test for Trisomy prenatally. Could it have been better if I had known? The answer is always the same. To know or not know would have been tough. And the outcome is the same. She'd still be gone.

March was Trisomy Awareness month. I saw others write about it and talk about it. I feel like I lost my voice. I don't have the energy to write about it, but that doesn't mean that I don't think about what it means to have a daughter with Trisomy 13. March is always a hard month regardless because it's the month we found out that things with my 2nd pregnancy weren't "right." Three years have gone by and so much has changed for the better, yet I just know I'll always ache to hold my sweet Lucy and kiss her face.

There are so many questions and so many memories. I can't separate myself from all of it because my heart is eternally intertwined to my baby girl's. Yet the memories fade, so I will try and document them the best as I can as they come back.

Austin is 6 months old!

Time is flying so fast with this little bambino that I can't seem to keep up with the updates. :)

There is no doubt that Austin's love for his sister Avery grows every day. He adores her.

Austin is sitting up on his own and still loves to talk it up.

Austin has continued to get ear infections which is no fun for any of us. It pushed back our sleep "training" and I continued to nurse him in the night for comfort. It's exhausting, but I also know these days are short lived when it's all said and done.

This month Austin started reaching out to be picked up.

Austin understands the words "hug," "kiss," "milk," and "kick."

He has discovered his feet and likes to grab at them.

I don't know that 6 months could be any sweeter with this little guy. "We love you to Neptune and back, Austin!" (That one comes from Avery)