"Foo" Real

Last week Jeff and I went to see one of my favorite bands, the Foo Fighters, live at Time Warner Arena. They played an almost 3-hour set, and we had a blast. Totally fell in love (all over again) with this song... just wanted to share the lyrics.

Times Like These

I am a one way motorway
I’m the one that drives away
Then follows you back home
I am a street light shining
I’m a wild light blinding bright
Burning off alone

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

I am a new day rising
I’m a brand new sky
To hang the stars upon tonight
I am a little divided
Do I stay or run away
And leave it all behind?

It’s times like these you learn to live again
It’s times like these you give and give again
It’s times like these you learn to love again
It’s times like these time and time again

I remember when Jeff bought the concert tickets a while back I didn't think I'd be able to muster up the strength to go - just thought I wouldn't be up to much of anything. Maybe I really didn't think I'd ever be "excited" about anything or maybe it was that I didn't want to allow myself to have fun. I got there though! And I'm proud of that. When he made the purchase, Jeff had said, "It'll be something fun to look forward to." I'm so glad he thought ahead in this way. It was fun for us to go, and MAN... the Foo Fighters really are amazing in concert!

I will say it was the first rock concert I've shed a tear at, though. Those emotions are ruthless and can find you anywhere!

"Foo" REAL!

Pumpkins and Pirates

On a recent "Daddy-Daughter Day" Jeff took Avery to pick out her fall pumpkin.

She searched for the perfect one,

and brought him home.

Mommy and Avery scooped him out...

And made him a kitty cat face!

(None of those silly carving patterns, here... all free hand, people. Not that you can't tell. He is crooked, after all.)

Avery recently has gotten very into pirates.

We hear "Arg!" and "Yo, ho, ho" every day it seems.

She even calls us "Captain Mommy" and "Captain Daddy" from time to time.

I kid you not.

When she decided she wanted to dress up as a pirate this year I knew Captain Mommy had to come through for her. Here's our little pirate:

Ave's matey Finn came over dressed as another obsession of hers, a dragon (well, technically I think he was a dino, but Avery LOVES dragons, so she called him a dragon).

And they went a-searchin' for treasure in the form of CANDY!:

Avery loved the idea of trick-or-treating, and would yell "Happy Halloween" every time instead of "Trick or Treat!" It was quite entertaining... she kept popping "jazz" hands out to the sides, striking a pose with a cheesy grin on her face, exclaiming "Happy Halloween!" at the top of her lungs. Once we laughed, she knew it was funny and that's what stuck.

And, yes, you're seeing right... Avery owns a pair of toddler "jeggings."

Keep on keepin' on

Get ready for a long, long blog post, y'all. It's catch up time!

Hope you've got a minute...

We've been staying busy the last couple months. We're enjoying our family time, getting back to our routines and adjusting. We've had many visitors and dinners with friends... lots of reminiscing as we laugh and cry together. We're making new memories, which makes us full of thankfulness. We take time to enjoy life to the fullest.

I want to start with

Avery's current "Top 10" List:

(1) ICE CREAM, or, rather, fro-yo from Menchie's

(for the record, I believe this is Nana's #1 too):

(2) THE PARK, where Avery rules the playground:

(3) HAIR ACCESSORIES, such as her Rapunzel hair extension, modeled below:

(4) SHOES ('nuff said):

(5) Serving up some PLAY FOOD

(here, Rapunzel lucked out with a massive steak for dinner):

(6) PHOTOGRAPHY

(below, a sample of her work, entitled "peek-a-boo cat-tail"):

(7) DRESS UP, especially with her FAIRY COSTUME

from (Great) Aunt Julie:

(8) CUPCAKES! (again, 'nuff said!):

(9) ENTERTAINING (and looking cute at the same time):

(10) SERIOUS CUDDLE SESSIONS

(Why so serious, Avery?):

In other news...

We escaped to the beach over Labor Day Weekend:

Serious sand castle-making ensued...

... even on our stormy beach day, we toughed it out!

Breaking for a smooch:

(everybody say "aww!")

We also got to see Nana & Papa quite a bit over the last several months. Avery really enjoyed one evening when we went to the "Cowfish" Restaurant. She kept asking "what's the 'cowfish'?" Good question, Avery, good question. Then she moved on to trying to figure out how she could get the "moneys" out of the fountain. Very, very curious little girl! Avery loves her Nana & Papa, but she especially loved riding in Papa's car. "I liiiike your car, Papa!"

Grandpa & BeeGee also came for a visit!

BeeGee taught Avery how to ice a cake:

...and gave her a little pumpkin on a stick to decorate!

Other highlights from the last several months include...

More cake on Daddy's birthday! Hooray!

Picnicking with Finn (& Colleen):

Teaching Will how to rock crazy hair:

Being silly with Parker:

Then there was also our visit to the Lazy 5 Ranch.

Brace yourselves... I told you this was a long post.

Lazy 5 Ranch is a drive-thru animal park. We saw ostriches, lots of deer, goats, pigs, zebra, giraffes and more! Nana, Aunt Erin, Parker, Avery and I went up there in August. 4 out of the 5 of us were quite freaked out by the animals being so close (yes, the youngest member, Parker, was the least afraid) but we had to tough it out. We couldn't get off the wagon, haha. The water buffalo FREAKED ME OUT. Was trying to be so tough so Avery wouldn't be scared. Eeks. It turns out water buffalo love me. I'm pretty sure it was because I was holding a bucket of food. And they expect you to want to feed them by hand. Ugh. And I was afraid to put the bucket down because I thought they would just go for my feet. On the upside, everyone seemed to get a kick out of them surrounding me. And it was a huge distraction from what had been going on lately.

Not sure what we are in for yet...

Here we go...

YAY, animals!

Parker, excited by the giraffes:

Avery, freaking out a bit over the giraffes:

And... me getting harassed by hungry buffalo. Ew!

After the wagon tour we walked through the rest of the park.

Animals behind fences. MUCH more our style! :)

Oh, and a super-cute lemur.

I will end with a "28-month" Avery update.

Our little girl is inquisitive, bright and positive. She is intuitive and sensitive. She is passionate, stubborn and she is getting to be straight-up manipulative! She is still very into helping and has a crazy-big imagination. Her two-year-old mind amazes me and she continues to grow and develop mentally, physically and emotionally. She knows all her colors and can count to 14 (which she then repeats several times in a row until she says "20"). I looked at her the other day and asked, "When did you become a big girl?" She said, "I'm not a big girl." So I asked, "Well, what are you? A baby? A LITTLE girl?" She replied, "I'm Avery."

Well, ok then. It's just that simple.

It doesn't matter what she is, she's our Avery. ;)

Just when you thought I was done, I give you more.

Exactly two months after Lucy's death,

we spotted this double rainbow in the sky:

(The second one is to the far right, but doesn't show up as well as it did in real life!)

I had never seen a double rainbow before, but it just felt like it was meant for us! Avery was SO excited, and the two little rainbows made me think of my two little girls who will always be together in spirit.

Avery, when you read this one day, I want you to know that you talk about your baby sister so much. You ask about her and talk about heaven and Jesus without our prompting. Your favorite picture of baby Lucy is the one where she is naked and crying on the hospital scale being weighed. I have no idea why, but it's just so sweet that you have a favorite picture and want to see it often. You are going to be an amazing individual with so much love to offer the world. We believe in you and love you. You bring us tremendous amounts of JOY!

Thanks to all of you for joining us and supporting us on our life journey.

There is much more of the White family to come!

The Brave Little Soul

It's very easy to get wrapped up in the physical form of our lives and forget the spiritual, soulful journey we are all on. When the flesh is gone, or wrinkled, or old, or "imperfect" to our eyes, we may remember that in each of us there is a soul, so individually and uniquely made. At different points in our lives, when we pause to take the time to connect with others, God can show us how much we influence one another. Here is the story of 'The Brave Little Soul'. I believe that Lucy was a very important little soul and that part of her purpose was to unlock the goodness and love that is in our hearts. When I read the following story/poem I feel as though I get a glimpse at what the bigger picture might look like.

The Brave Little Soul

by John Alessi

Not too long ago in Heaven there was a little soul who took wonder in observing the world. She especially enjoyed the love she saw there and often expressed this joy with God. One day however the little soul was sad, for on this day she saw suffering in the world. She approached God and sadly asked, "Why do bad things happen; why is there suffering in the world?"

God paused for a moment and replied, "Little Soul, do not be sad, for the suffering you see unlocks the love in people's hearts." The little soul was confused. "What do you mean," she asked. God replied, "Have you not noticed the goodness and love that is the offspring of that suffering? Look at how people come together, drop their differences and show their love and compassion for those who suffer. All their other motivations disappear and they become motivated by love alone."

The little soul began to understand and listened attentively as God continued, "The suffering soul unlocks the love in people's hearts much like the sun and the rain unlock the flower within the seed. I created everyone with endless love in their heart, but unfortunately most people keep it locked up and hardly share it with anyone. They are afraid to let their love shine freely because they are afraid of being hurt. But a suffering soul unlocks that love. I tell you this - it is the greatest miracle of all. Many souls have bravely chosen to go into the world and suffer - to unlock this love - to create this miracle - for the good of all humanity."

Just then the little soul got a wonderful idea and could hardly contain herself. With her wings fluttering, bouncing up and down, the little soul excitedly replied, "I am brave; let me go!! I would love to go into the world and suffer so that I can unlock the goodness and love in people's hearts! I want to create that miracle!!"

God smiled and said, "You are a brave soul I know, and thus I will grant your request. But even though you are very brave you will not be able to do this alone. I have known since the beginning of time that you would ask for this and so I have carefully selected many souls to care for you on your journey. Those souls will help create your miracle; however they will also share in your suffering. Two of these souls are most special and will care for you, help you and suffer along with you, far beyond the others. They have already chosen a name for you."

God and the brave little soul shared a smile, and then embraced. In parting, God said, "Do not forget little soul that I will be with you always. Although you have agreed to bear the pain, you will do so through my strength. And if the time should come when you feel that you have suffered enough, just say the word, think the thought, and you will be healed."

Thus at that moment the brave little soul was born into the world, and through her suffering and God's strength, she unlocked the goodness and love in people's hearts. For so many people dropped their differences and came together to show their love. Priorities became properly aligned. People gave from their hearts. Those that were always too busy found time. Many began new spiritual journeys - some regained lost faith - many came back to God. Parents hugged their children tighter. Friends and family grew closer. Old friends got together and new friendships were made. Distant family reunited, and every family spent more time together. People checked a website and sent notes of encouragement. People made and brought meals to the family of the suffering. Everyone prayed. Peace and love reigned. Lives changed forever. It was good. The world was a better place. The miracle had happened.
God was pleased ......

Lucy's Funeral

As I'm sure you'd expect, the day of Lucy's funeral was a tough day. I haven't been able to share anything about it yet on the blog. Just wasn't there yet. We were in such a state of shock at the time that we only invited immediate family to be there for a private, intimate funeral service. Because I know there are family members that couldn't make it and so many others that we couldn't include at the time, I want to share some details.

We chose to bury Lucy at Evergreen Cemetery in Charlotte. It's a beautiful setting; the area is very private with trees all around. It's a peaceful place. There we found a newer section within the cemetery reserved for infants and children. These little ones were lost so early, their lives cut too short. It's about the saddest thing you ever will see. But when we went to see the area we just knew that was where we needed to bury her. Lucy was buried at the end of the children's section on July 28th, 2011.

The day of the funeral was sunny and very, very warm. Hot would be a more appropriate description actually. The service started just after 10 a.m. - it was very simple, beautiful.

Avery and her cousin Parker stayed with friends during the actual service and we were able to be joined by Lucy's Nana, Papa, Aunt Meg, Aunt Erin & Uncle Martin, Aunt Jeanne & cousins Brooks, Ford and Mary Ellison. A small, intimate group full of love.

Lucy was dressed in a little white gown and swaddled in a blanket from her Aunt Jeanne. A little stuffed lamb rested by her side with a ribbon around his neck that read "Jesus Loves Me". Her little white casket was the picture of innocence, placed on a table covered with green cloth. I brought a special bouquet of flowers tied with a pink ribbon and laid them near. During the service, my mom's arm was around my shoulders. Jeff and I held hands tightly. I also held Lucy's little lamb that we had in the hospital with her.

Pastor Bill Roth started with a prayer. His message was of hope. Through our grief, we can find hope. Despite our sadness, let us keep hope alive.

Scriptures included:

Psalms 23

Psalms 139:7-18

Matthew 19:14-15, Mark 10:16

We said the Lord's Prayer together.

My dad played the song "Praise You In This Storm" by Casting Crowns - the lyrics perfectly summing up what we were feeling at that moment, and even now.

Pastor Bill described the moment of Lucy's passing in a beautiful way. In the same moment that we were saying our good-byes to Lucy (as she laid in our arms in the hospital), Lucy was saying hello to her heavenly father. As her little soul left her body in our arms, she was received into the Lord's warm embrace. As she breathed her last unsteady and weak breath here on earth, she inhaled a strong, deep breath in heaven. She was welcomed into God's kingdom for eternity.

My sisters gave each person a daisy. At the end of the service we each placed them beside the casket in Lucy's honor.

It was perfect and peaceful. As difficult as all of it was, there was comfort in the ritual of laying her body to rest in peace. The bright sunshine was a reminder of Lucy's bright presence and shining light. She was smiling down on us.

I remember praying to God, asking Him to hold little Lucy tight until I get to hold her again.

"In returning and rest you shall be saved; in quietness and trust shall be your strength."

~ Isaiah 30:15

Chosen

Have you ever felt really thankful for and proud of being chosen for a special task or purpose?

I am so thankful and proud that God CHOSE us to parent one of his treasured gifts - a girl named Lucy. I'm so happy about it, that I'm almost past sad. I know that makes me sound "strong" and I'm not always "strong," but even in my weak moments I'm still thankful and proud.

It's hard to believe that today would have been Lucy's 12-week milestone. I would have been going back to work, wrapping up my maternity leave. My, my... it really hasn't been that long since she was born, but yet it seems like another lifetime ago in many ways.

I was remembering the other day a very real moment that I had with Lucy when I was still pregnant. Don't ever want to forget it. I was in my prenatal yoga class, and our instructor was reading a passage from a book. Suddenly I was overwhelmed with love. Lucy was moving like CRAZY inside my big ol' buddha belly and I felt so proud. I also felt DETERMINED to be the best Mama I could be to my baby, no matter WHAT. I was overcome with celebration of the little life growing inside of me. I took time to appreciate the miracle. (And, I know I've had two babies now, and maybe I shouldn't be so amazed... but it still BLOWS MY MIND that my body can grow a baby. Maybe it's just me, but, WHOA! Honestly blows my mind to think about. Everyday Miracles).

Talk about chosen! Every fiber of my being was chosen.

And I was up for the task; up for fulfilling my purpose.

I felt it in that moment in my bridge pose, and I feel it now.

Cleft of the Matter

It's all about perspective sometimes.

As you may know, when I was pregnant with Lucy we found out at my 20-week ultrasound that she had a cleft lip. I still remember the moment that they told Jeff and I that our baby had a cleft. And I am now thoroughly embarrassed and ashamed of how superficial my initial reaction was. I was concerned about the medical aspect, sure, but I was DEVASTATED over the physical aspect. I felt vain and superficial, but I just couldn't picture a baby with a flaw. MY baby with THIS flaw. To put it simply... I was FREAKED out.

After a follow up ultrasound and confirmation, we slowly started wrapping our minds around the "cleft of the matter." The cleft was a fact. It was there, and there was no changing that. We opted out of the genetic testing because it wasn't going to change anything we did, and we focused on educating ourselves on what we knew for sure. We were going to be parents of a cleft baby, a sweet, innocent little cleft baby. Do you know a cleft is actually a more "common" birth defect? I connected with so many parents online that were going through what we were going through! And as we started hearing other stories and learning from their experiences... it became easier. We gained acceptance.

Two cool things I learned about the community of people raising cleft babies during my pregnancy is that, (1) they are a big family, sharing tools and tips. I connected with many, many of them in an online group on www.babycenter.com (thank goodness for the internet!). (2) there are SO MANY resources here for cleft babies. We are so lucky to have wonderful doctors and programs here in the United States to support families going through this challenge. By far, though, the best part about these families I connected with? They saw so far beyond the cleft that they hardly saw the cleft at all. Their love for their child was evident no matter how severe the cleft was or how challenging their cleft-related issues were!

Then there was Lucy's cleft. When we met Lucy, her beauty was still very evident despite this "flaw." In fact (I've said it before and i'll say it again), the cleft was actually a major part of her beauty and uniqueness. It gave her whimsy and charm. It made her "Lucy." If the cleft had been an isolated issue, it would have been nothing. NOTHING. Totally fixable, doable.

Of course, in Lucy's case the cleft was related to her Trisomy 13 condition. It wasn't "just" the cleft. When we started realizing there was more to her condition, our focus changed significantly. I have learned a lot about Trisomy 13 since her birth. At this point I have actually even gotten the amazing opportunity to connect with another mother of a Trisomy 13 baby here locally. (The condition is quite rare, so the fact that I've connected with someone this close is a huge blessing!) And what I've realized in thinking back on all this is... I can't believe that we were that worried about the cleft!

I just keep remembering how TRAUMATIC it felt when we received the news of the cleft in our ultrasound. We were broken down and started having pity for ourselves over what our child (and whole family) would have to go through with surgeries, possible feeding issues, developmental delays, emotional and psychological issues, etc. I even worried that I would not love my child the same - that I would feel different somehow. Wow, now I'd give anything in the whole wide world for our sweet little cleft baby. Anything for it to have been a condition that we could have fixed. How we wish it was "just" a cleft.

And, shame on me.

How could I have questioned for a moment that I wouldn't love this baby the same?

I did.

I do.

I will.

Always.