Grieving + Giving

I don't know how to grieve. They say everyone handles grief differently, and I do believe that. But I've been doing this grief-thang for almost two years now, and I couldn't even tell you how I grieve. There really aren't adequate words to describe it. How do you simultaneously say "I am heartbroken" and yet "I have hope?" How do you stomp your feet and scream at the world while at the same time throwing your head back, taking a deep breath and peacefully basking in your thankfulness?

When I mention I lost a baby, most people assume my baby might have been born still. When they do, I suddenly want to tell them every detail... No! We met her, we had her.
Her name is Lucy.
She lived and breathed before our eyes. I still lost her, and the wounds of the heart are there in either experience, no matter if your baby arrived alive or still. But her life here on earth lasted 5 and a half days. I have to believe she was there that long too, you know. I have to talk to people who met her. Who knew us then. I have to remind myself that she was here. I have to remind myself that the nightmare of her diagnosis and death is true sometimes. That keeps me from going numb.

The hardest part of grieving for me seems to be handling the "moving on." As time goes by, you feel as though your emotions should get more secure, that you should be stronger. From my experience thus far I can say that though there may be a decrease in the frequency of painful emotions, the intensity is still so overwhelming at times.

Now when I see a friend or family member dealing with loss, I understand what they are going through  better than I would have before, yet I feel like I get angry. I feel sure that my loss should have been the end. That no one else I know should have to feel pain and the ache of a broken heart. I find myself asking - couldn't I just have taken the pain for them all?

I can't take the pain for them all. Jesus has already saved us. Thankfully I don't have to bear that burden.

Healing comes in helping others.
Healing comes in the realization that we are part of a bigger plan. Healing comes in washing off your pride and humbling yourself. I keep wanting God to bring me something BIG to do. But I also know that God sometimes brings you the little humble tasks to work on, because He is the only one who knows (and should know) the big picture.

This year, out of our desire to honor Lucy's life and our humble mission to help others, we will be doing the Lucy Love Project again! In honor of what would have been Lucy's 2nd birthday this month we will be accepting donations and raising money to give back to the Levine Children's Hospital Neonatal Intensive Care Nurseries. Just $5 will buy a blanket for a baby who needs it.

Help us support families that are dealing with babies that are sick or families that have lost their little ones and are grieving. Help us light a little candle in their lives and give them hope.

Here is the link to sign up and donate:
LUCY LOVE PROJECT

We thank you.

Avery's FOUR!

Well, I'm almost a month behind, but our little gal turned FOUR on June 10th! I don't need to tell you that time is flying, because I know you feel it too. :)

We had an little gathering for donuts and fruit to celebrate, and Avery was very generous with the hugs this day as you can see below...

Avery's one request for her birthday was a park play date with a couple girls from school. 

Here she is with her best school buddies:

One her ACTUAL birthday, she was all smiles as she headed off for her first day of summer camp.

Birthday morning video:

We went out to dinner at Bad Daddy's for burgers and then to her true favorite spot, Menchie's, for some frozen yogurt. At dinner she drew the below picture of our family, including Lucy (far right) and baby brother (blue dude with the tilted head). She drew herself in the middle with Rapunzel-style hair. Gonna have to frame it; I love it so.

Avery's take on our family: Me, Jeff, Avery, baby brother and Lucy.

Catching up... April and May 2013

Life lately...

Hmm, let's see. We've been getting ready for baby brother as much as we can, although I am realizing that even if you know the sex of your baby it doesn't really change anything. Oh, except you spend more money on clothing. I haven't spent a ton, but just knowing does certainly make the temptation to spend greater. :) Trying not to wash everything so if it has to go back it goes back.

Avery and I have been soaking up some Mommy-Daughter time. Here is her very first meal at IHOP: fancy french toast (basically sugar overload - yikes)

Friday nights in South End they have all the food trucks in for Charlotte's Food Truck Friday. We've taken our picnic blanket out and enjoyed several evenings out there eating yummy food, enjoying live music and catching up with good friends. 

Papi Queso is one of our faves - fancy schmancy grilled cheesy goodness.

King of Pops makes the yummiest popsicles ever. Me and Ave LOVE them!

Here is Avery ready for "Beach Day" at school.

Avery moved into her big girl bedroom and BIG girl bed. It's been the smoothest and most fab transition as she just loves it and hasn't looked back for an instant. She spends some much time playing up in her room, completely entertaining herself (she has QUITE the imagination)! I worked from home several weeks back worried it would be a struggle to keep her entertained and actually get quality time in working, but she played up in her room for HOURS. I kept checking on her and she was just in there singing and playing, perfectly content.

Another huge perk is that now we can crawl into the bed with her to actually read her books.  Which also means I almost fall asleep some nights, but oh well.

The following are some pictures from our annual Mother's Day picnic. We bought sandwiches from Sunflour Baking Company and took them to Latta Park. First thing that morning, Avery came downstairs dressed in her Tinkerbell costume and said "Happy Mommy's Day!"

Over Memorial Day we went down to Bluffton, SC with my side of the family. Since we knew we wouldn't get to the beach much this summer we tried to soak in the sun and surf!

A and P chumming along.

Ave and her Aunt Erin

This is the LIFE. Our little beach bums.

Avery loving on Nana and Papa

Miles carefully helping Papa with the morning pancakes

P and A chowing down on their pancakes

Family shot
(I should mention - how you can not see my huge baby in this shot is beyond me, but I assure you it is there. In fact the very next day a man at the pool told me I looked "ready to go any day now." When I told him I had 2 months he looked scared and asked quite seriously, "Twins?" LOL)

Couldn't resist this angle of Miles...

...But this angle is pretty good too ;)

Another big milestone is that Avery had her last day of her 3's class right when we got back from the beach. She has had an awesome year learning and playing with her friends and teachers. We have been blessed by the entire staff at the preschool through the extended care program they offer, and couldn't have asked for a better year for our sweet girl.

My son

I'm going to share a little secret, which may not be such a secret to those close to me. The first 24 hours in which I found out I was having a boy this time around I was shocked, and pretty sad. I felt sad and then of course horribly guilty for feeling sad. I asked "why" and I told God that baby wasn't supposed to be a boy. I felt jaded and abandoned. I felt crazy for those feelings I was having and keep repeating in my head and out loud "what is WRONG with me?" Even after I wrapped my mind around the excitement of it all, I still was beating myself up for days and weeks just thinking about how upset I was initially and how that wasn't fair to my son.

How selfish and cruel and rude and ignorant of me. After LOSING a child who had a tragic genetic condition, how dare I be upset that this new little healthy life inside of me was a boy. Obviously I knew the most important thing was that baby was healthy and things were going smoothly. Shouldn't I be celebrating? Shouldn't I be joyous? Shouldn't I be thankful? Certainly not emotional, desperate and scared.

I've been processing these strange feelings and I'm realizing more and more that those feelings were related to grief of what I have lost, rather than directed at what our family is gaining. Having not found out the sex of our babies the first two pregnancies, I KNEW that I needed to find out the sex this time around. I needed something to KNOW. Something to feel certain about. I needed to be prepared mentally and emotionally.

Yet, my expectation was that I would have another little girl and then I would finally be able to experience what it felt like to raise two little girls - like how it would have felt to raise Avery and Lucy together. I desperately wanted for Avery to have another sister... not just one in heaven, but one on earth that she could love and bond with and KNOW in a real way. I felt like I needed another girl to fit into that picture I had for my life. On top of that, the pregnancy felt the same as Avery's, and I assumed I was having another girl. I didn't want to be wrong. I couldn't go through the whole pregnancy guessing and assuming incorrectly. The truth of the matter is, though, even if the baby was a girl this time around I'm sure it would have been just as emotional of an experience.

I had to get real with myself. I AM celebrating. I AM joyous. I AM thankful. I'm just those other crappy emotions too. And they can all exist simultaneously, side by side. The loss will still always be there. I'm not afraid to admit that, though I try to hide how it breaks me down sometimes.

Now I'm in a better place, which is why I can finally admit all of this. I thought about writing these words before and was ashamed. What if my son saw these words one day? What if he thought I didn't want him? I was sick.

But I want my son to know how I feel, because of what I've been learning in these weeks of pregnancy, as we bond (one swift kick at a time). One of the greatest examples of family love is exposing the truest, rawest parts of love - and sometimes they don't look pretty and perfect. Love is a feeling. It's not passive, it's always active. It's given and accepted.

See, God has been working on me. He has been displaying before me great examples of His love, and asking me to put my trust in Him. Only in Him. My son is chosen. He was chosen before I could ever dream him up in my pea-sized brain. He is God-known and planned for. He has great purpose. I'm in awe at the greatness of God's love and that he would allow me to be the vessel to bring this child into the world. That I might get the opportunity to love him, and worry about him, and teach him.

I can't rely on this baby boy to heal my grief wounds, and that is not his job. But his life brings us so much hope and his arrival will show our family a whole new way we can love.

A little late to the Mother's Day party

Another year goes by and it’s Mother’s Day again. But it's taken me days and weeks to process where I am this year. The retailers tell us that Mother’s Day is supposed to be filled to the brim with flowers, yummy meals and family time. Or, maybe relaxing alone time --- but that's not my personal preference. ;) For me this year, the day included church together followed by our traditional family picnic at the park and then a pedicure with Avery in the afternoon. We spent some family time outside then cooked dinner and watched a movie. It was a good day by any measure because I was with two of my greatest loves – Jeff and Avery.

Although I’m surrounded by love and dare-I-say admiration, I can’t help but think about the baby that is missing from my life. Lucy is not here. I know she’ll always be here in our hearts… but that’s not enough at times. As Avery told me one time, “I just want Lucy to get OUT of my heart!” Thinking she meant she didn’t want to talk about Lucy any more, I asked her why she would want Lucy out of her heart. She told me that she just wanted her to get out of our hearts and come back from heaven to be with us. Once again, Avery hit the nail on the head. Having her in our hearts just doesn’t cut it sometimes.

A special moment in my motherhood journey was captured in the above picture (the day before Lucy passed away).
 ~July 24th, 2011~

I have imagined what my life would be like raising two little girls for almost two years now. I stop and stare at families with two girls sometimes thinking to myself 'That should be me.' I’ve imagined my daughters relationship with one another and how it could and would be. I think about MY sisters and how they have influenced my life. I worry that Avery won’t have that same sister bond with hers.

Maybe it’s the current pregnancy that has me feeling self-conscious about motherhood in general. I’m sad when people mention “baby #2,” referencing the baby inside my belly. I’m sad because that automatically takes Lucy out of the picture. And it’s not just strangers. It’s happened with people I know that just don’t think about it (and likely mean no harm by it).

When I reconnect with old friends that may not know about Lucy, I feel like they can’t see the full picture. I am confused at how to portray myself as a 'mother of 2, almost 3' children when I don’t have a second child to show. How do I make myself look different? I feel so different and strive to include her. I talk about Lucy. And in my mind it’s awkward and totally weird sometimes because I don't always know what to say. I just hope she’s up there and can feel my love. I wonder if she feels my efforts to include her. I worry all the time about making Lucy proud since I don't have the opportunity to do it in person.

This year I spend Mother’s Day with my first child here beside me, my second child up in heaven and my third child growing and blossoming inside me. It’s strange how these siblings will always be connected -- yet they seem so far away from each other right at this moment.

A couple weeks ago I went in to pray over Avery as she slept one of her very last nights in her toddler bed. As I prayed for her, baby boy started kicking and moving inside me (a feeling that still surprises me and amazes me). And then, as true as anything I’ve ever experienced, a cool, crisp and very real presence was felt. I felt Lucy’s presence. Baby girl was with us. My children were all there with me in very different ways. God’s children that he entrusted to my care. I imagine I'll always be a bit mystified when I think about how He has gifted the role of mother to a girl like me. A girl who hid from Him at times in my life. A girl who ran desperately from Him at times. A girl who even doubted Him for moments, and used His name in vain, and denied Him once upon a time. I feel so unworthy at times.

I’ve shed plenty of tears through this journey of motherhood. I’ve had plenty of laughs, too. My heart has swelled so big that I think it’s full and then it expands again. I’ve felt the pain, heartache, worry, joy and love of motherhood.

I remember a conversation that I had with my mom early in my pregnancy with Lucy. I was worried about how I could love another child as much as I loved Avery. It just didn’t seem possible. My mom described it to me using an image from the animated Grinch movie I watched at Christmastime when I was a kid. She asked if I remembered the part where the Grinch’s heart grew – “In Whoville they say -- that the grinch’s small heart grew three sizes today.” She said – “Your heart just GROWS.”

I know it grows, but I still worry about having enough love to go around. I often don’t feel worthy of the life I carry inside me – my son. I can sometimes convince myself that don’t deserve him and I worry I won’t be a good mother to him. Have I spent all my love? I haven’t, I’m sure, but I worry about it nonetheless.

I love being a mother in the greatest possible way. The job makes me thankful and happy and feel blessed beyond belief. Being a mother makes me feel alive in a whole new way and I have a deep hope for those who desire to be mothers that they may feel this one day. I will fail at certain things but I will not fail at love. I can do this "love thang" from near or far.

Ducks for Lucy 2013

Last month our family was excited to participate and raise money for the Hope Floats Duck Race. Our team, Ducks for Lucy, raised over $630 for Kindermourn. Thanks to those who gave and supported us in our fundraising effort. Unfortunately none of our team ducks "placed" in the end, but we had a little crew out to enjoy the beautiful day and witness the fun sight of the 20,000 ducks floating on down the "river" AKA manmade whitewater canal at the U.S. Whitewater Center.

Waiting for the ducks

There they are!

Me and A taking it all in

A and her amazing quacking duck whistle!

Our awesome friends who came out to be with us and enjoy the day!
(I love that Jackson is totally trying to swipe Ave's whistle)

The Hope Floats Duck Race has become a fun way to remember our sweet second daughter and will be a tradition of ours for years to come.