Kicking and Screaming into 2012

["Wow, almost a week in to this New Year already. I can hardly believe it. And I STILL have to do a Christmas update"] Just to give you perspective on how intensely busy this year has been already, the preceeding sentences were the original beginning of this post. And now it's February! Seriously!? So here are the rest of my thoughts now that I can focus my freak out a bit better than I could then...

Ah, the New Year. Here it is. I’ve been cleaning and purging, making promises to exercise more (anything more than “not at all” seems doable, right?), pledging to do some charitable work this year and to also complete a re-org on how we manage our finances. Blah, blah, blah... in some ways it really doesn’t matter if it all happens like I want it too, but it seems productive to set some reasonable goals. Am I planning any big goals? Sure, I have a few I’m keeping to myself for now as I take it one mini-step at a time. It’s not likely that all three of my "bigger” goals will happen this year, so this is a year of planning and re-prioritizing. Sounds exciting and invigorating. Of course, because I’m somewhat of a people-pleaser and perfectionist, also sounds stressful.

The fact is I’m terrified of letting go. I entered 2012 kicking and screaming. 2011 was the year of Lucy – a year that changed everything for us. A game changer, a life changer. And honestly 2011 was a really, really special year. I was and am holding onto it with all my strength. The more time that goes by, the more I am grasping to it. I don’t know exactly where I think it’s going to go, but somehow it feels like it’s going to evaporate.

My paranoid side thinks people are saying in their heads that for us 2012 has “gotta be better than the last year, right?” (not that anyone has actually said that to me!!!) Maybe it sounds odd to some when I say that I look back on 2011 fondly. Less than six days is all I will know of Lucy in this lifetime yet her life has let me redefine mine in so many ways. Sometimes I find myself being so angry about that. What do you do when you just don't want to be redefined? Yet, when it is forced upon you, you adjust. So, even though I have to leave 2011 as it is (they haven't figured out how to change the past yet, have they?) I'm going to try and get excited about 2012. I know I'm a month and a couple days late, but I will try to stop worrying about changing things or doing things different. I will start building on what I’ve learned to produce positivity and light. I want to use the energy that I put into Lucy (all of the loving and grieving combined) to spread love and possibility, future and hope to other families that may be filled with worry, doubt and fear.

Jeff and I are thinking of some things we can do this year to honor Lucy's life, and to continue weaving her legacy into our future. We need to do this for us as individuals, for our marriage, for Avery... and for others that may be touched by Lucy's light.

If you have any ideas that may help us do just that, we would love to hear them!

Thanks, as always, for your love and support.