Faith and Following

This blog entry is an excerpt from my personal {handwritten} journal. I wrote it just over a year ago (6/1/2011) as we had learned information about Lucy in utero that concerned us greatly. I wanted to share it because this was written when I started realizing that Lucy may not make it. So weird looking back and reading these words... I was just over 31 weeks pregnant with her.

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Yesterday (at our ultrasound with Dr. Stephenson) we learned that the baby appears to have an extra digit on the left hand. As an isolated anomaly they would not be so concerned but the obvious overtone of the visit was that this, combined with the cleft lip and the IUGR could be another sign toward something more serious being wrong with the baby. They would like me to consider a late-pregnancy amnio to test for genetic disorders, such as Trisomy 13 or 18, which are considered lethal and even if the babies with those disorders "make it" through labor and delivery, typically they have pretty severe mental retardation, medical issues, etc and can live only hours or days.


Though I understand why they are giving me these options, I guess there is part of me that enjoys being in this space of not knowing too much. It protects me from having to deal with the greater ethical and medical decisions that they seem to want made. The thought of losing this baby, our baby, is paralyzing and traumatic. But it's tough - I also don't want our baby to suffer or go through too much if he or she will have no quality of life. Choosing to "not know" makes me also feel like I'm living in denial. That part of me that says, "If the technology is there, use it... they are offering it for a reason."


There is so much running through my head right now. I just keep feeling like I could lose this baby at any moment. Every kick, punch, flutter - each and every movement I feel baby make is noted with a mix of happiness and sadness, as well as fear. Great Fear. But feeling baby also strengthens my faith that God's master plan is in action and reminds me that I have to trust in Him to provide peace and strength. This baby makes me a mother twice over - I am blessed.


Yet, my dear friends are throwing me a baby shower next weekend and I'm finding it hard to get excited. I almost want to hide away & protect myself from possible loss. I can't help wondering "what if there isn't a baby to bring home and swaddle...?" I feel ashamed thinking this knowing that the baby may still be fine. Hoping the baby will be fine.


Dear God,
Let your love pour down on me and my family. Let your healing touch be with this baby and let your will be done. I pray that you continue to unveil your plan & purpose for our lives. Please prepare us for what is to come and let Jeff & I draw stength from you when we are feeling lost. Help us to support one another and focus on our blessings. Let us remain faithful even when it feels like hope is failing us.


This child is YOURS, and I pray that you use him or her for Your work. Should I have the opportunity, I promise to raise him or her teaching and sharing Your message. Should I not get the opportunity, I pray this baby feel our family's unconditional love regardless of the time we get to spend together.


Please be with us always and remind us of the miracles that are possible when we remain faithful. Thank you for the gift of family - for Jeff, for Avery, for baby and for our family members near and far. I will continue to follow if You promise to show me the way.


In your Son Jesus' name,
Amen.

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As eerie as some of the words seem to me now, there is so much comfort in looking back with the perspective that God has given me. Let us remain faithful even when it feels like hope is failing us. I desired to remain faithful no matter what. I will continue to follow if You promise to show me the way. I promised to follow God and let Him lead the way.

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

~ John 8:12

"I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

~ Ephesians 4:1-3