The day before Lucy

One year ago I was 38 weeks pregnant. I walked into my high-risk OB’s office and sat through what felt like “just another ultrasound”– I had been getting them so frequently they were just feeling like routine at this point. They would check the baby and from time to time tell me something I didn’t want to hear… then they would say “see you in a couple weeks” and I’d leave. But this ultrasound/sonogram took too long. And the doctor and the tech were quiet – too quiet. They seemed to be communicating without saying a word and I remember screaming in my head, “Will somebody TELL ME SOMETHING?!” Instead, I asked some nervous questions that probably made no sense at all and tried to keep the mood light. Then the doctor grabbed my hand and said “I’m recommending induction to deliver…”

‘Oh, okay,' I thought… 'When do we want to schedule it…? I’m 38 weeks, so maybe next week?’ I stared, searching her eyes, ‘This week?’

Before I could offer MY suggestions she continued, “…TODAY. You’ll be induced today. I’m going to make a call to your OB right now and see how soon we can get you in.”

It hit me… something was wrong. And I didn’t know what to ask and I didn’t know what to say. She told me something about how the blood flow between baby and placenta was very low and the baby had stopped growing… and, well, they needed to deliver baby. She came back in after calling the regular OB on duty and told me to be back at the hospital in 4 hours to start the induction process. GULP. The baby would be delivered the following day.

Within an hour my parents had jumped in the car to make the 8-hour drive to be with Avery as we prepared a bag and got ready to spend the night at the hospital. Jeff was to pick Avery up and stay with her until they got there.

I despised the thought of being induced and was scared. But after I got used to the idea of the induction process, I became quite excited too. I remember thinking ‘I finally get to meet my baby! And dang it, my baby is going to prove you all wrong. My baby is going to be just perfect, you all just wait and see!’ We spent the evening being nervously excited, but there was a looming fear. We were told that an entire team from the Neonatal staff would be in the delivery room to check the baby when he or she arrived.

I think back and it’s surreal. That was the final day of my life before meeting Lucy. We joked, we read books and watched TV. We prayed. We were worried, but everything still felt “normal.” It was a perfect balance between hope and fear. I had to trust God – I had no other option.

Sometimes I wish I could have kept Lucy safe in my belly forever. Yet, I’m so grateful that they chose to induce me that day. It may have made the difference of how much time I got to spend with her. And, well, if 5 ½ days seemed like too little, then less time would have been even more heart-wrenching.

Last night I got to have dinner with my sister-in-law Jeanne (I picked up the Lucy Love Project blankets and will have more on that soon!). It always amazes me to hear others talk about when Lucy was born and describe how things were once she passed away. There is a sense of clarity to others’ experiences that was not there in my own experience, so I appreciate hearing it from someone else’s perspective. I want to know everything that was happening on and around her birth, and I want to hear how others processed what happened with her, with us. Because the moment Lucy was born, everything as we knew it changed.

I’m missing my baby girl today, but feeling blessed for the renewed hope and the focus on purpose that has been restored in my life through this journey. I don’t know how I would have slept a wink that night in the hospital (the night before Lucy’s birth) if I would have known just how her story, our story, would unfold. But I slept… peacefully, comfortably and secure in God’s loving embrace. And in the morning, I rose to meet the day that I would bring a very special little girl into the world. And even though the story wasn’t what I expected, she did prove them wrong. She was perfect.

I’m still resting and waiting for You, Lord. My heart still feels so broken, but I will use this brokenness to make a difference in the world.

“Why don’t you break my heart til it moves my hands and feet?” – Lyrics from the song “Love Come To Life” by Big Daddy Weave