Baby Sister

Wow - one whole month since Lucy's birth. The days sure can drag, but the time passes so quickly at the same time.

I'm so fearful I'll forget my little angel. I won't, but she was here so briefly that I need to recount my first moments with her - the night we met. When Lucy entered the world, she hardly made a peep - she was so calm, so peaceful. But it was all so... scary! They had prepped me for it, but still I was frantic as my midwife handed her immediately to the neonatal team that was in our room so she could be examined. She had made it full-term at 38 weeks, but her growth had slowed so much that they had no choice but to induce me. The slowed growth, plus the other known factors had me so worried. I was anxious to hear her and see her. To love her.

Once they told us she was breathing great and was fine to go to the regular nursery for the night, she was brought over to me and Jeff - we were absolutely amazed by her - and so hopeful. We were allowed to stay in our delivery room for almost 4 hours and my parents and Avery came in to meet her. Avery was quite curious about her little sister, who still did not have a name at that moment so we kept calling her "baby sister." (Never mind the fact that I had convinced myself and everyone I knew that I was having a boy... but that's a whole different blog post. I was SO wrong!).

Now, speaking of the blog, if you've been visiting here for a while you know that The White Family blog started out as Jeff's movie and TV show review space, and quickly got taken over by me (shame on me) when I got pregnant and wanted to give family updates. Then it pretty much turned into the 'Avery Show' when little miss was born. We started using the blog to give updates to our family and friends detailing Avery's monthly milestones - something I stopped around 18 months. Part of the reason I stopped was because I was pregnant again and wondered if I would really be able to keep up with Avery's monthly updates AND start doing monthly updates for baby #2, too. Little did I know what kind of updates I would be doing at this point.

So, it's one month after Lucy's birth. And though she may not be here with us, she is very much a part of our lives. Every time we drive even remotely near the hospital Avery says, "That's where my baby sister lives." Out of the blue she will ask, "We see Baby Lucy, Mommy?" and she will also make statements, with confidence, like "Lucy, come home with me!" Avery asks to see pictures of Lucy almost every day and she will spread them out on the couch, rub her hands over them, and kiss them.

I want to remember a certain moment with Avery from the night of Lucy's passing. Avery was so fixated on seeing Lucy and bringing her home that night, oblivious to the tragedy that had occurred earlier that day. I realized that she was invested too, just like we were, and we needed to have a straight conversation with her and tell her Lucy wasn't coming home. I had gone in to change her and put her to bed and she asked, "You and Daddy go sleep at the hospital with baby sister?"

me: "No, not tonight. We aren't going to sleep at the hospital."

A: "You not sleep at hospital? Baby Lucy come home?"

me: "No, sweetie, Lucy is not coming home..." (tears welling in my eyes)

A: "What wrong, Mommy?"

me: "Mommy is just sad because baby Lucy isn't coming home."

A: "Why?"

me: "Because she went to be in heaven. She went to be with Jesus."

A: "I want to be with Jesus."

me: "You are with Jesus... he's here with us now. But Lucy was called up to heaven. She will be our angel watching over us."

A: "I want to be an angel."

me: "Well, you are meant to be with Daddy and Mommy right where you are. You know what? We need you here."

A: "OK, Mommy."

I don't know that Avery will remember Lucy or what we are going through right now. But I am so glad that she asks about her, and that we have pictures she can look at together, and that we can talk openly and lovingly around her. Avery and I went and made matching beaded bracelets with angel wings and she calls her new bling her "angel bracelet." I call mine my Lucy bracelet.

Avery will always have her baby sister. I have two baby sisters myself. I can't imagine a day without them. Even through the years when we tortured and tormented one another, my sisters were everything to me. Even though I have faith that my two little girls will have the opportunity to reunite in heaven one day, I'm saddened by the fact that they won't be able to run and play, kiss and hug, and yes, even pull each others hair... here on earth. Talk about a true test of patience. One day, one day. (Well, hopefully without the "pulling each other's hair" part!) ;)

I pray that Avery will always carry a piece of Lucy in her heart by knowing one day how much she made her parents smile even in our darkest of moments. We will always remember Lucy, Avery's baby sister.

Not fair.

Today I spent all morning feeling bad for myself. Pitying poor me. Wishing life had shaken out differently for my family. Let me be straight with you... right now I spend a lot of time feeling like life isn't fair.

Not fair, not fair, not fair.

No matter how strong I can feel, sometimes I just want to be SAD. And this morning I was feeling particularly sad and frustrated. And you know what? I'm actually "ok" with that from time to time. But I'm not ok when my feelings cross into the dangerous terrain of jealousy.

Even with embracing my sadness (and knowing it is perfectly normal), I was still feeling self-pity and wondering why me? And I was burdened with jealousy rearing it's ugly head. Then I thought about the fact that I forgot to read my little devotional today, and figured I could really use a pick-me-up.

So I opened my book up to today's date. This is what it said:

"Accept each day just as it comes to you. Do not waste your time and energy wishing for a different set of circumstances. Instead, trust Me enough to yield to My design and purposes. Remember that nothing can separate you from My loving Presence; you are Mine."

Um, I realize that this is easier said than done...

(Let's face it, I can waste a lot of time and energy even on a good day!)

But I definitely needed this reminder today.

This Little Light of Mine

My mom made me think of the song "This little light of mine" the other day. I used to sing it as a child.

We were talking about how it doesn't feel natural to accept grievances on our family's behalf. We don't like for others to hurt - especially not for us. We worry about how we affect others. I worry about if it's awkward for someone to run into me unexpectedly. I don't like the feeling of not knowing what to say (for that person or for myself).

Pregnancy is a pretty public ordeal nowadays. People talk about it constantly, strangers even offer advice at the grocery store or reach out to touch your belly. Friends and family celebrate alongside you the entire time, preparing you and nurturing you. I remember when I found out about some of the issues that Lucy was going to have prenatally - the cleft lip, and the extra digit on her hand - I wished I could hide the remainder of the pregnancy "just in case" there was something more to it. I had many tears and fears throughout the journey. But, alas, I tried to wear my baby belly proudly. I celebrated the little life growing inside me - a true miracle, no matter what.

But, now I'm experiencing the feeling of wanting to be in hiding once again. I thought I could start venturing out, but oh - it's so difficult. I'm not sure how to act. At times I feel like I'm walking around in a fog, just floating through. Other times I'm over-aware. I start questioning everything. I'm curious if strangers look at me and wonder why I look so sad? Other times I wonder if someone I know is seeing me and wondering why I seem so happy? I find myself wanting to duck behind things and take cover so no one sees me.

I wonder constantly about what will come out of my mouth the first time I run into someone who doesn't know what we've been through and asks excitedly, "Oh, you had the baby!?"

Um, yeah, I had the baby... (weird, awkward pause)...

But there is probably something to exposing the wounds a little, letting them air out. I assume there has to be some healing there. I'm trying to realize that in time getting out will allow my light to shine out into the world a little brighter. (Again, it's so fitting that Lucy's name means "light"). Slowly but surely I will get there.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.

Let it shine,

Let it shine,

Let it shine!

Hide it under a bushel... NO! I'm gonna let it shine.

Hide it under a bushel... NO! I'm gonna let it shine.

Hide it under a bushel... NO! I'm gonna let it shine!

Let it shine,

Let it shine,

Let it shine!

And yes, I think the repetitive nature helps the message stick, so I wanted to type each line out! ;)

There is nothing to hide. Some things are private, yes. And how well you know someone dictates how much you are going to share. But I never want to feel like I have to hide myself (or my child) from this world. I want Lucy's light to shine through me. And more importantly I want God's light to shine through me.

Seriously love this kid.

What would we do without this little wonder running around?

Me-oh-my... she brings us smiles!

Avery is a riot, always keeping us entertained...

and she is currently enjoying being spoiled rotten.

You want ice cream?

OK!

A trip to the park?

OK!

To watch Mickey Mouse?

OK!

A chocolate chip cookie?

OK!

A bike for Christmas? (this was an actual request last week)

OK!

A PUPPY?

Oooooh, wait a minute... you almost tricked me.

Avery is also the most tender and comforting child. I am constantly in awe of her lovingness. She is just so intuitive and knows how much we need the extra hugs, cuddles and kisses right now. She tells us she loves us. She rubs our backs and says "it's ok." Avery is a clear reminder of God's love for us.

God is good.

Yes, God is good.

The thing about being a Believer

It's a scary feeling when you talk to family and friends that are heartbroken for us - I hate that people are feeling so much pain - so much of OUR pain has become theirs. I can literally feel the heartache through the emails, phone messages and conversations. I have always considered myself quite "talented" at offering a listening ear, giving advice, praying for and loving others when they are going through a hard time. I whole-heartedly enjoy offering that support and love to others. I find that I'm definitely not-so-great at accepting it for myself, though. I'm working on it. It certainly is nice to know that we don't have to walk through any of this alone.

Some people have mentioned that they are amazed at my faith through these tough times. It hit me one day that it may be easier to cling to faith when you are going through a tough time - you HAVE to. It is through our struggles when we are reminded of God's grace, love and power. We are reminded that we are not in control. We tend to call ourselves "believers," but it is when a challenge unfolds that you will be put to the test. As a "believer" you have two choices: to keep on believing or to walk away from that belief forever. And I know I can't do the latter. So my faith HAS to grow - it has to change. It has to evolve.

Now, I've always found comfort in scripture, but I am somewhat reliant on it right now. I have been picking up the bible over the years here and there, but now at times I cling to it, even fall asleep with it some nights. Scriptures literally collide into one another, I can't read the words quick enough; they jump off the pages at me even when I'm not looking. It is wild!

Sometimes I don't feel very strong, sometimes I don't feel like believing, sometimes I think I could give it all up - but when I relax in Christ's presence, the truth finds me.

"In returning to me and resting in me you shall be saved;

in quietness and trust shall be your strength."

~ Isaiah 30:15

Please feel free to share with me any scripture that reminds you of God's power, peace and love. Thanks!

(BTW, the latest photos are credited to my amazing and talented husband!)

Giving thanks in the morning

Jeff went back to work last Monday, and he was definitely ready to get back to some sort of "routine." I was too (well, kind of), but there really is no "routine" for me at the moment. And nothing is what I thought it would be. My body, my mind, my soul - it was all prepared to nurture a new baby. My Lucy. What is left is an overwhelmingly empty feeling.

So, before he leaves for his work day, the hubs comes in to wake me up and say goodbye... and the poor guy gets whatever energy I'm throwing out at the world first thing in the morning. It's always been questionable as to what mood I will wake up in, but now ever so much more. Sometimes it's a smattering of tears, sometimes it's a peaceful reflection, sometimes I feel like I just stare into space. It's unpredictable and confusing.

What is your first thought when you wake up each day? I've never thought too much about it before now, but my emotional side seems the most vulnerable in the morning for some reason.

Some days I wake up really sad. Some days I wake up feeling "ok" - then I may feel sad that I feel "ok." Some days I may even wake up thankful. But the reality is, I never just know what is going to hit me the second I stir in the morning. And ideally I want to harbor good, positive and hopeful thoughts.

I read recently that you should spend the first 30 minutes of your day doing something that makes you happy and positive; it can set the tone for your entire day. So, because I've been lacking in the happy and positive department lately, I've started out just simply trying to be thankful. Trying to recognize the simple and wonderful things that I DO have.

I'm thankful for my health. Thankful for shelter. Thankful for my job. Thankful for an amazing support group of family and friends (seriously what would I do without you people!?). Thankful for a supportive, caring husband and healthy, happy daughter that fill my home with love. I'm finding that if you count your blessings, you feel fuller. It fills the void that is left behind. What we've experienced in loss the last several weeks doesn't feel "right" in so many ways, but I can spend those early moments each day trying to be thankful. What you realize in doing this sometimes is that the list goes on and on... It can be quite difficult to count your blessings, because there are just SO many!

Now, believe me, it's not always easy. Sometimes I squeeze out an "I'm thankful for this day" (with a lackluster attitude) and move on because that seems to be all I can muster. But I try.

At times I can't even find the strength to pray because I'm not really sure what I'm praying for. Peace? Healing? Strength? Transformation? Again, an epiphany of sorts - some days it is easier to pray with thanksgiving and let God provide you with what you need.

"O give thanks to the Lord, for he is good, for his steadfast love endures forever."

~ Psalm 118:29

Let LIGHT shine out of darkness

We now have some information available on how you can help us support several causes that were important to us during our daughter Lucy's short life. You can read more about our story and the causes we aim to support through her obituary HERE.

Or, you can go directly to the donation page we created to support the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU) Fund at the Levine Children's Hospital where Lucy spent most of her life HERE.

"For God, who said, 'Let light shine out of darkness,' made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ." ~ 2 Corinthians 4:6