My mom made me think of the song "This little light of mine" the other day. I used to sing it as a child.
We were talking about how it doesn't feel natural to accept grievances on our family's behalf. We don't like for others to hurt - especially not for us. We worry about how we affect others. I worry about if it's awkward for someone to run into me unexpectedly. I don't like the feeling of not knowing what to say (for that person or for myself).
Pregnancy is a pretty public ordeal nowadays. People talk about it constantly, strangers even offer advice at the grocery store or reach out to touch your belly. Friends and family celebrate alongside you the entire time, preparing you and nurturing you. I remember when I found out about some of the issues that Lucy was going to have prenatally - the cleft lip, and the extra digit on her hand - I wished I could hide the remainder of the pregnancy "just in case" there was something more to it. I had many tears and fears throughout the journey. But, alas, I tried to wear my baby belly proudly. I celebrated the little life growing inside me - a true miracle, no matter what.
But, now I'm experiencing the feeling of wanting to be in hiding once again. I thought I could start venturing out, but oh - it's so difficult. I'm not sure how to act. At times I feel like I'm walking around in a fog, just floating through. Other times I'm over-aware. I start questioning everything. I'm curious if strangers look at me and wonder why I look so sad? Other times I wonder if someone I know is seeing me and wondering why I seem so happy? I find myself wanting to duck behind things and take cover so no one sees me.
I wonder constantly about what will come out of my mouth the first time I run into someone who doesn't know what we've been through and asks excitedly, "Oh, you had the baby!?"
Um, yeah, I had the baby... (weird, awkward pause)...
But there is probably something to exposing the wounds a little, letting them air out. I assume there has to be some healing there. I'm trying to realize that in time getting out will allow my light to shine out into the world a little brighter. (Again, it's so fitting that Lucy's name means "light"). Slowly but surely I will get there.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.
This little light of mine, I'm gonna let it shine.
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine!
Hide it under a bushel... NO! I'm gonna let it shine.
Hide it under a bushel... NO! I'm gonna let it shine.
Hide it under a bushel... NO! I'm gonna let it shine!
Let it shine,
Let it shine,
Let it shine!
And yes, I think the repetitive nature helps the message stick, so I wanted to type each line out! ;)
There is nothing to hide. Some things are private, yes. And how well you know someone dictates how much you are going to share. But I never want to feel like I have to hide myself (or my child) from this world. I want Lucy's light to shine through me. And more importantly I want God's light to shine through me.
2 comments:
I'm humming it right now. Love ya, Sparky
Hiya Kate -
I just spilled my heart out to you and then Blogger didn't like the way I logged in. Rotten!
Any who....
I've now had a chance to ready through all your blog posts instead of just the latest and realized how I should muster up some of what I was sharing and type it all up again. :) Lord, help me to remember all of it!
...you ARE letting Lucy's light shine. Remember you are strong and courageous and human as you walk through this journey. May the Lord continue to keep blessing you as you seek Him through through this season of your life. YES, I'm not sure how folks get through times like this without Him... then I watch Jerry Springer. hehe ok, no really.
I'm in awe of God in You right now (as I read your blog and reconnect with you) You have me speechless most of the time in how strong you are. I think that may be part of the awkwardness in public.?. :) Your Light is bright Kate.
You need not worry or fear what others think. Through all of this, I've never thought oh, she's too happy or anything like that because you know what? You are ALLOWED to be happy, sad and a mixed bag of emotions. Let them flow because otherwise you can get PTSD like I did. :) Continue to be courageous and finding what strength you can in our Lord. Your light shines regardless of your mood, fears or capabilities of the moment. Right now, I can see you are radiant. God is SO proud of you today and even in the hardest moments. Feel free to cry when you need to (regardless of where you are at the moment) and be joyful when you can. You are very wise to be thankful for the day when that's all you can muster. I promise, that is more helpful that you probably know.
Here are some verses I picked for you. I'll close with a writing that was shared with me when I was healing from my parents accident.
Deuteronomy 31:6
Psalm 27:1
Psalm 56:3-4
Isaiah 41:10
Isaiah 41:13
Matthew 10:26 -you don't have to do the talking.
Romans 8:15
1 Corinthians 16:13
2 Corinthians 4:7-11
Philippians 1:12-14
2 Timothy 1:7
Hebrews 13:5-6
Your joy is your sorrow unmasked.
And the selfsame well from which your laughter rises was oftentimes filled with your tears.
And how else can it be?
The deeper that sorrow carves into your being, the more joy you can contain.
Is not the cup that holds your wine the very cup that was burned in the potter's oven?
And is not the lute that soothes your spirit, the very wood that was hollowed with knives?
When you are joyous, look deep into your heart and you shall find it is only that which has given you sorrow that is giving you joy.
When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.
Some of you say, "Joy is greater than sorrow," and others say, "Nay, sorrow is the greater."
But I say unto you, they are inseparable.
Together they come, and when one sits, alone with you at your board, remember that the other is asleep upon your bed.
Verily you are suspended like scales between your sorrow and your joy.
Only when you are empty are you at standstill and balanced.
When the treasure-keeper lifts you to weigh his gold and his silver, needs must your joy or your sorrow rise or fall.
-Kahlil Gilbran
Love you,
Mere
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