Faith and Following

This blog entry is an excerpt from my personal {handwritten} journal. I wrote it just over a year ago (6/1/2011) as we had learned information about Lucy in utero that concerned us greatly. I wanted to share it because this was written when I started realizing that Lucy may not make it. So weird looking back and reading these words... I was just over 31 weeks pregnant with her.

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Yesterday (at our ultrasound with Dr. Stephenson) we learned that the baby appears to have an extra digit on the left hand. As an isolated anomaly they would not be so concerned but the obvious overtone of the visit was that this, combined with the cleft lip and the IUGR could be another sign toward something more serious being wrong with the baby. They would like me to consider a late-pregnancy amnio to test for genetic disorders, such as Trisomy 13 or 18, which are considered lethal and even if the babies with those disorders "make it" through labor and delivery, typically they have pretty severe mental retardation, medical issues, etc and can live only hours or days.


Though I understand why they are giving me these options, I guess there is part of me that enjoys being in this space of not knowing too much. It protects me from having to deal with the greater ethical and medical decisions that they seem to want made. The thought of losing this baby, our baby, is paralyzing and traumatic. But it's tough - I also don't want our baby to suffer or go through too much if he or she will have no quality of life. Choosing to "not know" makes me also feel like I'm living in denial. That part of me that says, "If the technology is there, use it... they are offering it for a reason."


There is so much running through my head right now. I just keep feeling like I could lose this baby at any moment. Every kick, punch, flutter - each and every movement I feel baby make is noted with a mix of happiness and sadness, as well as fear. Great Fear. But feeling baby also strengthens my faith that God's master plan is in action and reminds me that I have to trust in Him to provide peace and strength. This baby makes me a mother twice over - I am blessed.


Yet, my dear friends are throwing me a baby shower next weekend and I'm finding it hard to get excited. I almost want to hide away & protect myself from possible loss. I can't help wondering "what if there isn't a baby to bring home and swaddle...?" I feel ashamed thinking this knowing that the baby may still be fine. Hoping the baby will be fine.


Dear God,
Let your love pour down on me and my family. Let your healing touch be with this baby and let your will be done. I pray that you continue to unveil your plan & purpose for our lives. Please prepare us for what is to come and let Jeff & I draw stength from you when we are feeling lost. Help us to support one another and focus on our blessings. Let us remain faithful even when it feels like hope is failing us.


This child is YOURS, and I pray that you use him or her for Your work. Should I have the opportunity, I promise to raise him or her teaching and sharing Your message. Should I not get the opportunity, I pray this baby feel our family's unconditional love regardless of the time we get to spend together.


Please be with us always and remind us of the miracles that are possible when we remain faithful. Thank you for the gift of family - for Jeff, for Avery, for baby and for our family members near and far. I will continue to follow if You promise to show me the way.


In your Son Jesus' name,
Amen.

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As eerie as some of the words seem to me now, there is so much comfort in looking back with the perspective that God has given me. Let us remain faithful even when it feels like hope is failing us. I desired to remain faithful no matter what. I will continue to follow if You promise to show me the way. I promised to follow God and let Him lead the way.

“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.”

~ John 8:12

"I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received. Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love. Make every effort to keep the unity of the Spirit through the bond of peace."

~ Ephesians 4:1-3

Last day to donate!

Today is the last day to donate to the Lucy Love Project!

To give, please visit our donation site at ChipIn:

http://lucyloveproject.chipin.com/lucy-love-blankets

Thank you for your support!

Father's Day 2012

For Father's Day this year we celebrated like super-heroes!

Get to work on some sidewalk art, Batgirl:

A picture for "Super Daddy" with fill in the blank answers by Avery:

Super powers include super-cool cutting skills (Just don't slay Daddy):

Super-sized candy:

Super-huge hamburger:

And super sweet cuddles:

We love you Jeff, and all you do for us. 

Thank you for being a wonderful Daddy.

Columbia and the Crawfish Festival

Better late than never - here are some photos from our trip to Columbia in May, and the Crawfish Festival we attended while we were there! It was a super-fun weekend with friends!

Avery looks like a giant next to Bryn! Growing like a weed:

Does it get any cuter than this?:

The Crawfish Festival...

Avery just loves people dressed in costume. 

She swooped in for a hug with Mr. Crawfish - she loved him!:

Back at the house the kiddos got some pool time in:

Last words to Grandpa

Dear Grandpa,

Hey, it's Kate! Oh, how I wish i could be there right now to see you. I am writing this because there are a couple things I want to say. And since I don't know that I will be able to get up there as soon as I want to I figured I would write it in an email. (I actually bought a card earlier today, but then decided not to give "snail mail" a chance either!)

I want to say first that I love you. I love your loud voice that echoes and rings brightly (that you passed along to my father). I love your knack for being able to fix ANYTHING and EVERYTHING. I love that you picked on us over the years and thickened our skin a bit. I love how you'd sit at the end of the table at Christmas dinner and throw rolls and get us all riled up. I love the wrapping paper fights and the laughter. All that laughter - my fondest memories are filled with lots and lots of laughter! I love the way you have swooped in to save and support when I needed it most. I love that you love me and I've never questioned that for a minute.

One thing my daughter Lucy taught me is to not fear death. When the Lord says it is MY time, I will go. And I feel good about being able to say that. When dad told me that you said you were ready to go to heaven last night, I knew everything was going to be okay. (Now, we also know that Grandma Parker said that for years, so you just never know!) I felt compelled to write to you because I needed to tell you at least one more time that I love you.

Now, I feel like I share a special bond with you since we both have lost a baby. I know that was a long time ago for you, but when I consider the fact that we get to see those babies up in heaven one day it warms my heart. If you get there first, please give my Lucy a big hug for me (and maybe teach her how to fix a thing or two).

I always think of you when I eat ham and pineapple pizza - I have no idea why. It just reminds me of you coming to visit us in Charlotte!

Please know you are in my thoughts and my prayers. I love you very, very much.

Love,

Kate

(Letter to Grandpa, written 6/22/12)

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June, me and Grandpa on my wedding day - August 26th, 2006

I just love this picture of Avery (6 months old) with her Great Grandpa Bricker

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My father called me last Thursday night to tell me that he and Grandpa had a "coming to Jesus" talk that night in the hospital. Grandpa said he was ready to go to heaven. Over the last few years he had been diagnosed with a blood disorder, congestive heart failure... and more recently acute leukemia. While he was a truly a fighter, his body was just shutting down. But, what really struck me was that he was ready. Whew, it hit me like a truck. He was READY. It was unsettling to here those words, yet a huge relief swept over me. Saying goodbye isn't as difficult anymore, because my faith in eternal life is steadfast. From here on out I guess I look at it as the grand family reunion waiting for me in heaven.

I emailed the above letter to my dad last Friday at 4:18 p.m. when I realized I probably wouldn't get up to Ohio in time to see my Grandpa Bricker one last time. My dad read this letter to him late that night. The next morning when Dad called me to tell me of Grandpa's passing early Saturday morning he mentioned how ironic it was that one of Grandpa's friends brought ham & pineapple pizza to him Friday night for dinner (he ate it too - an all too appropriate last meal). As Dad sat with him on Friday night, he said Grandpa was in and out of sleep. He was "at a construction site" - asking out loud for brackets & speaking as though he was jimmying parts and pieces together.  He was hard at work... must've been building his ladder to the heavens.

Grandpa was a carpenter by trade and a fixer by nature. When he'd visit our house in Charlotte in more recent years he'd stay up late fixing stuff I didn't even know needed fixing. In fact, he carried around a full tool kit just about everywhere he went. When I think of Grandpa I think of a man who enjoyed going to baseball games and singing a cappella at church. He was a family leader, yet a kid at heart. Oh, and he was pretty bossy. And really loud. When I was in high school (I was a teenage girl - need I say more?) he used to come to the house to see Dad at 7 am and they would stand around the island in the kitchen chit-chatting. From up in my room it sounded as if they were literally right beside me - I used to open the door to my room, scream "BE QUIET!!!!" dramatically and then slam the door of my room. Grandpa would only get louder, I swear. He also used to torment us when we were little with the fact that he lost a finger years before. As kids we were both terrified and intrigued. These memories make me smile.

I had to giggle when I heard that Grandpa wanted to buried in a flannel shirt and a hat. Oh, that's my grandpa. Never wanted to live by anyone else's rules. And what does it matter anyway? We're trading in our casual duds for grand robes in the sky.

I'll miss you Grandpa... I really will. But I have confidence in that family reunion in the heavens.

I'll be seeing ya...

Lucy Love Project : update

So, um, yeah... I am incredibly blown away. Our goal for 200 blankets was reached in TWO DAYS! I repeat - TWO DAYS. This is incredibly awesome and my heart is truly filled to the brim.

And I must apologize, for I guess I under estimated everyone. I feel like I should reprimand some of you for donating far more than the $5 I suggested (I kid, I kid). Yet, how cool is it that people have donated in honor of their children... and losses of their own... and out of the love and care for our family. Lucy only met a handful of people in her life, and unfortunately most of them were doctors and nurses. I wish she could have met all of the awesome people that love her!

I want to say thank you to those of you who have donated to the Lucy Love Project so far. What a testament to how many lives our daughter has touched. We feel so very blessed!

Since we have reached our goal for 200 baby blankets I did go ahead and bump up our goal so that people who have said they still want to donate do not get discouraged. We will do more for the hospital in Lucy's honor as long as the funds are available. We will be using additional money toward clothing (we are working on something special) for the babies in the Neonatal Intensive Care Nursery. We also have a generous donation that will support getting little hearts embroidered on the blankets! I'll share more when I have the details, but I am so excited for the blankets to have a personal touch. :)

Life is just too short to love small.

Thank you for loving BIG with us. Thank you for your generosity and support.

Lucy Love Project

In honor of what would be our daughter Lucy's first birthday on July 19th (one month from today!), we are hosting a fundraiser that will provide blankets to babies in the Neonatal Intensive Care Nursery where Lucy spent most of her short life.

The blanket that we brought home from the hospital is dear to us. We are thankful to have it to hold on to --- not only as a precious memento, but also as a reminder of our time with Lucy. We have specific memories that are tied to our daughter when we see and touch this blanket. Recently I asked one of the coordinators at the Levine Children's Hospital what they were in need of and she said "if you showed up with 200 blankets we would be so very thankful." Since they ideally want new blankets, that is what we intend to provide - soft, new blankets for the babies and their families. You just never know how much something very simple can change someone's life.

If you'd like to support us in our mission, please visit our fundraiser page by clicking below to go to our chip in site:

http://lucyloveproject.chipin.com/lucy-love-blankets
(update: i believe you need flash to view & donate)

Any amount you may be able to contribute is greatly appreciated, but simply $5 will buy one blanket. (In other words, we are not really asking for large single donations, just a lot of little $5 gifts!)

For the first 200 blankets donated, our family will be giving $1 per blanket.

We will wrap up donations on July 5th so that we may place our order in time to have the blankets by Lucy's birthday on July 19th. We are planning to deliver the blankets that week. Feel free to pass this along to friends or family.

The "Lucy Love Project" blankets will be donated
in memory of our little girl

Lucy Isadore
7/19/2011 ~7/25/2011

Thank you.