The Real World "post-Lucy"

With today marking the 10th anniversary of 9/11, I've been thinking a lot about life and how a single tragic event can change the course of your life and offer perspective. I remember how people CAME TOGETHER after the world trade center attacks. It was truly moving. And still is. It's the good that comes from a bad situation.

After the initial shock of a tragedy, you start coming out of the fog, embracing you new life and your community. Differences with others may melt away. Hugs are more sincere. Conversations are more meaningful. You tend to appreciate what you have more.

After spending many weeks after Lucy's death in a complete state of shock and wandering around looking at the world through some very foggy vision, I'm feeling a bit more... "normal." I'm still in a great state of sadness, but I also realize that I must move forward. I keep dividing up my life experiences now into "pre-Lucy" and "post-Lucy" phases. My life seemed to freeze for a period of time and she has changed us forever. Lucy will never go away. Her presence will be felt in all I do. My real world experiences are quite different looking through "new" eyes, listening through "new" ears, talking with a "new" tongue and processing with a "new" brain. The world is profoundly different. No, I'm different.

It's tough finding the strength to tackle the real world post-Lucy at times. Some days I absolutely DREAD it, but I know that I need to get out of the house and resume normal activities slowly. Some days I'm up for the challenge and like to stay busy, other days I have a very difficult time with even the simplest tasks/errands. I feel like everything I do has the potential to turn me into a brain-numbing zombie or an emotional wreck.

For example, I went to the grocery store one day. There I saw a woman with a sleeping baby strapped to her chest. She had this beautiful motherly glow, a calm peaceful smile on her face. Normally I'd smile and tell her how beautiful her baby is - he was! But I just stared at her. She looked at me and her face showed her pride - her pride and love for her new baby. I hope I smiled. I might have actually looked like a deer in headlights. No idea. All I know is that I couldn't help but imagine how I would have been feeling right then if I had Lucy strapped to me. The girl behind the deli counter proceeded to ignore me to come out and fawn over the baby. I watched as they shared this special moment. I was almost mad - that was supposed to be ME holding the baby. It should have been MY baby being showered with attention. But, I had to remind myself not to take this personally and to calm my thoughts. There was certainly no way in the WORLD they could know I lost a baby just a short time ago - and thankfully I was wise enough to know that it would be beyond strange to offer up that info. Though I felt confused, sad and jealous at the time... I also later noted that (oh joy!) I still am capable of being happy for others. I understand that beautiful feeling of being a new mother. For that understanding, I am very blessed. I don't want to take that for granted.

What is more difficult than these types of encounters with strangers?

Running into people who know me, who have no idea what happened.

I was pregnant for NINE MONTHS... now I'm not. I went to my follow up appointment at the OB's office 2 weeks ago. There I saw one of the nurses I had seen throughout my pregnancy who came up and asked excitedly, "How's the BABY?" I had somewhat tried to prepare myself for the first time this was going to happen, but for some reason I just froze and said "She DIED." Nothing else. Why I stated these words in such a raw, crazy way I have no idea. The poor girl of course felt AWFUL, and we both burst into tears. Now looking back on it and experiencing it more here and there, I know IT DOES GET EASIER. Not EASY, but easier.

Hi-Ho, Hi-Ho, it's back to work I go.

I am now officially back to work. It's scary. It's weird. But, it's good too. I just feel so different sometimes, like it's an out-of-body experience just to be there trying to sell advertising. Then other times it feels so normal and comfortable that I end up feeling guilty - like I'm moving on too quickly. I imagine this is a normal part of the grief process. But it's just odd.

I am reminded that the absolute best part about my job is connecting with fabulous people all day long. I'm close with a great number of people (co-workers and clients) that I have worked with for quite some time. I am truly feeling the warmth of love and compassion. I am right where God needs me to be.

I'm also experiencing healing in talking about Lucy. You know what I realize more and more every day? I LOVE to talk about her. And if I ever had qualms about bragging about my kids before, I have no problem with that now. Absolutely no problem. Lucy was AWESOME. Avery is freaking amazing. A-MA-ZING. Ask me about either one of them... but be prepared... I may be in the mood for some bragging or, if you get really lucky, TMI. We're potty-training, after all!

So, that's a little snippet of what I've been experiencing lately. I knew that learning the "new normal" would be strange, and now I can confirm that it sure is. But it's becoming do-able, and that's a good thing.