Special Treat with Extra Toppings

Yesterday I sat down to write a note to Lucy's doctor and one of the nurses that touched our lives when Lucy was in the NICU at CMC. I knew I had wanted to do it, but I just hadn't been able to bring myself to do it yet. I almost didn't want to resign myself to it because I felt like it meant I was closing a door, a chapter of my life.

But, they needed to know how we felt. Through the care we received from the staff there in the hospital we knew God was with us and it became clear that this series of events fit (though somewhat tragically for us at the time) into His bigger, master plan. Not that God CAUSED Lucy's death, but that he may have allowed it in knowing it was serving a bigger purpose. It was so clear it was a part of His divine plan by the smooth, peaceful way the events flowed - nothing felt "out of order" as it was happening. Sad, but not "out of order." That's the only way I can find to describe it right at this moment.

The first thing I want to point out is that throughout my pregnancy I prayed a lot. And at some point I started praying very earnestly that God would provide all of the care we needed for our child. That he would put all of the right people in the right places at the right time. I believed that He would, and He did. Jeff and I literally would look at each other at certain moments in the hospital with Lucy where someone would just walk into the room, say one thing we needed to hear and then walk out - true "Godsends." God sends. Yes, God sent people in this case - the RIGHT people. He promised He would provide.

Some of those people were there throughout the course of our journey...

Dr. Andrew Herman was the doctor who initially received Lucy into the NICU. He walked with us throughout her stay there. The day he admitted her to the NICU, he came to my hospital room and told me that Lucy was a "special treat with extra toppings." None of us knew what those extra toppings were at that time (he also said "I deal with a lot of VERY sick babies, and Lucy is not a VERY sick baby"), and none of us could have known yet how serious they really were. We also had no idea how much of a blessing our sweet girl would be either! Throughout Lucy's time in the NICU Dr. Herman was there to give us crucial updates and deliver her diagnosis. He was also there when Lucy took her final breaths. He even heard her sweet sighs during our final night with her. (Without him asking if she was trying to coo I would have thought I made it up in my head). I said to him at one point... "Do you ever go HOME?" He was with us every step of the journey it seemed. He was the first person to remind us of God's plan in all this when he said "I do NOT believe in chance." Yup, Lucy was meant to be ours for a short time, but ultimately she was God's. After he delivered Lucy's diagnosis, he reached for our hands and prayed with us. We knew we wouldn't have Lucy long, but he reassured us that she was going to be ok, telling us "Lucy is innocent in all of this. She will have a front row seat in heaven."

Lucy's nurse Amy Copley was amazing. She was with Lucy for two full days, Thursday and Friday - before we got Lucy's diagnosis. She was so caring and sweet, genuinely celebrating each of Lucy's small victories with us. Whether it was the fact that she handled the testing well, or held her oxygen levels through the night, she rejoiced with us. She called us with a sense of pride to tell us when Lucy cooperated well through the spinal tap testing she had to endure. Her dedication and thorough care was so apparent to us. She was also there with Dr. Herman as he delivered Lucy's diagnosis, crying with us and comforting us. I felt her genuine devastation for our family. We didn't see Nurse Copley over the weekend, but it just so happened that Amy's next shift was immediately following Lucy's death on Monday, July 25th. She helped us get footprints and handprints made and bathe Lucy's sweet little body, more of a ritual for us then anything. It did provide closure in some way, but Lucy was already gone. By the way, I should point out that handprints/footprints are not easy to get - I actually was able to laugh in the moment imagining Lucy looking down from heaven thinking "Mom, you are terrible at this," but also hoping that she saw how much I cared! Just having Amy's presence with us throughout the journey was a huge blessing.

Other people we came into contact with were there in very key moments, providing clarity through confusion...

Lucy's nurse on Sunday - Georgia. In a moment of pure confusion when we took Lucy off the ventilator, Georgia was the nurse who encouraged us to get Avery up to the hospital immediately. I think she sensed the final moments were upon us and knew we needed time as a family. I had hesitated knowing Avery would have to be woken up from her nap and Georgia reminded me I wouldn't get these moments back. We called. We needed Avery there. My mom woke Avery up, luring her with a cookie to hurry her along. That was the day we got to spend as a family with Lucy - her final full day here. I am SO glad that someone was there to make sure Avery was with us. I was so focused on Lucy that had I forgotten to get Avery up there, she would have missed so much. Now because of Georgia's advice we have a lifetime of memories from that day and we will be able to tell Avery stories time and time again. (Avery and I just giggled last night about how she kept trying to lick Lucy's head - silly girl!) Jeff and I also got to wrap our arms around both of our little girls - together, at the same time - a real-life family of 4! It truly felt like it that day. So thankful. When I thanked Georgia later that day, she told me that she had lost a baby at 22 weeks and she remembers the confusion of it all and how she just needed people to tell her what to do, to think for her when she couldn't think for herself. So you're saying God uses our life experiences to help others? Uh-huh. And do we think it was a coincidence that Georgia just happened to be the nurse with us that day? NOPE. To think that we may be that voice to someone else one day and provide that kind of insight is pretty amazing.

Honestly, I don't remember what her title actually was... but I remember Cindy. She seemed to be all over the place and kept continually checking in on us that Sunday that we took Lucy off the ventilator. The one thing I remember clear as day is that she came in and delivered advice to us when we needed it. We were debating if we should stay or go from the hospital on Sunday night, and since Lucy had done fairly well off the ventilator, we were almost feeling that we should go home and just get back as early as we could the next morning. That everything would be fine. I think I knew in my heart of hearts that we needed to stay, but I needed a clear message... it was all very confusing and I couldn't make a decision. Cindy came in as we were talking about it. There was just this giant PAUSE in conversation, and Cindy quietly asked, "Can I give you some advice?" I nodded desperately, thinking, 'Yes, PLEASE, somebody somehow tell us what to DO.' And she said calmly, "I think you should stay tonight." I think I was waiting for God to make it clear what we needed to do and it was VERY crystal clear through her advice. Thank you for that message - we heard it. Lucy passed away deep into the night, as Sunday night peaked to Monday morning. We got precious hours with her that we would not have gotten had we not stayed.

...

Lucy's life was short and that seems unfair. But when I watch Avery get pushed over on the playground, well, that's not fair either. Lucy will not have to experience the hardships that life brings. She won't have to endure the many surgeries that would have been headed her way. What she experienced in her little life was pure, unconditional LOVE and exceptional CARE. When I think about that, it makes me so joyful.

Lucy was truly our "special treat with extra toppings." She will never have to know anything different. And we will never know anything different either. So add another scoop of sprinkles to my ice cream, and add a drizzle of hot fudge, too. I like my treats with the extra toppings!