Ah, motherhood

I’ve always known I wanted to be a mother. Little did I know what becoming a mom would do to me as a person. It has changed me in ways I never knew possible. I ache for those that are struggling with becoming pregnant for I know it doesn’t always come “easy.” I have been truly blessed with two little angels (one here on earth and one in heaven) that have made me a mother.

From the first positive pregnancy test each time… to the feeling of the first official kicks in my belly… to the meeting of each of my daughters face to face… My journey of motherhood has been a beautiful process full of hope, yearning, fear, dreaming and loving.

Nothing truly prepares you for motherhood. No person can give you all the advice or foresight. No book will tell you everything you need to know or do. You just figure it out when you get there, step by step. I have so enjoyed the learning experience and the life-lessons that my daughters have taught me.

Motherhood is a great gift. And now that I know what it means to love and lose a child, it’s holds even greater value in my heart.

Motherhood means giving like there is no tomorrow.

It means taking time to stop and enjoy the simple things.

It means kissing and hugging in immeasurable amounts.

It means always striving to be the best and “messing up” from time to time.

It means taking on tasks that may not always be pleasant & that you don’t always get a “thank you” for.

It means doubting yourself and your methods.

It means leaning on other mothers to help.

It means worrying about irrational things.

It means having to think fast.

It means being able take pride in a little person who looks up to you.

It means speaking with respect and setting the best example.

It means having patience.

It means protecting and also being able to let go.

It means embracing unconditional love.

It’s amazing to me thinking about my mom doing all of this for me as a child, but yet I realize she is still doing it today. A couple years ago, as I struggled getting back to work after having Avery, I told her in an email that I didn’t want her worrying about me. She replied: “Don’t worry about me worrying – as you will learn, that’s just what mothers do and it’s a long term contract!”

As Avery gets to each stage in her life, I always think “how was I as a child at that age?” Today she is wearing a pair of overalls that I wore as a little girl and it’s so weird to think about me being that size now that I’m all “grown up.” It’s hard to imagine MY little girl all grown up! I wonder what kind of person will she be? That leads me to ponder the tremendous responsibility we have to instill in her all the right things from the get-go.

I must also say that thinking about all of this also makes me incredibly sad that I’m not getting to see Lucy go through all of the stages of being a baby, a child, and beyond. As we will all get older, she will always be a baby here on earth. My arms feel so empty without her.

Yet, I can’t help but be thankful. Jeff and Avery are amazing and keep me going. God is faithful and provides the peace I need. I can find joy in everyday things. Just the fact that Avery has started calling me “Mama” melts my heart. It sounds sweet like honey coming out of her lips. I don’t know when she stopped calling me “Mommy” and started saying “Mama” but I find it so endearing. She also has a habit of asking, “You wanna cuddle up?” when we read or watch a show together. I’m pretty sure you can guess my answer every time. J

I am so glad to have signed that long term contract for a job titled “mother.” No single thing prepared me for it. Nobody gave me all the advice I’d need. No book told me what I needed to know or do. I knew the instant that I met both Avery and Lucy that I’d do everything possible to be the best mother I could be.

With Avery - 6/10/2009

With Lucy - 7/19/2011

In the moment when I met each of my girls, I just stretched out my arms, held them tight and promised them I’d love them forever. THAT is a promise this mama can keep.