Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas to all from the White family.

May God bring you peace, hope and joy through this holiday season and beyond.

Santa Claus is coming to town!

After skipping a visit with Santa last year, we decided that we definitely owed him a visit this year. Our first attempt at visiting Santa was met with a VERY long line, a little girl who kept saying "I don't wanna wait my turn," and a new obsession with escalators. Our 2nd attempt was much more successful with a strategic early arrival at the mall... there were only two families before us and we had an extremely excited little girl who was rearing to go.

In fact, Avery was so excited about seeing Santa that when he arrived she started trembling. For a moment we thought she was scared but we realized that she was actually shaking with happiness and excitement (she has a flair for the dramatic). She had to stand behind a red rope before it was her turn and she kept saying "Move the rope, Mommy... move the rope!" When it was her turn she walked right up to Santa and started chit-chatting. I asked Santa if he thought he would be able to make it to our house on Christmas Eve and he asked Avery if she'd been a good girl. Her response: "I'm wearing a pull-up!"

Ave jumped onto Santa's lap for a picture and told him she wanted a bike. They discussed if it should have two wheels, three wheels or four (though I was looking at photos, so I'm not really sure what they came up with there). She also mentioned she wanted pink boots and a book.

Here is our gal with Santa:

She was more than comfortable chatting it up with the white-bearded man. We were so proud of her! Santa was all compliments telling us we had a really sweetheart. AS IF we didn't know that already! :)

When Avery asked him about cookies, Santa said he liked "round" cookies (of course I had just made two dozen tree, star, candy cane and gingerbread man-shaped cookies) and agreed that the reindeer liked carrots. Then as an after-thought he added that they like oats too (c'mon, Santa... she remembers EVERYTHING. Now we gotta get oats, too?!)

All in all, I'd say we had a really great visit with Santa. Can't wait to see if he brings Avery everything her little heart desires! (Something tells me he just might.)

Turkey Day Catch-Up

This year for Thanksgiving we spent the holiday with Jeff's sister and her family in Greenville, SC. Jeff's parents are in the beginning stages of building a house in St. James, NC (which we are THRILLED about!) and were able to join us in between trips back and forth from that area (as they continued to fine-tune building plans and visited with friends).

It was a laid back, easy visit. Jeanne, Ellison and the kids were wonderful hosts. I was only asked to bring ROLLS... it's like SOMEONE knew I wasn't up for much this year! ;) Avery had an absolute blast playing with cousins Mary Ellison and Ford, especially liking the tea party set in Mary Ellison's room and the "Littlest Petshop" town with the (at-least-a-thousand) pieces to go with it!

Here are some pictures from our Thanksgiving Day,

starting with Miss Sassy-pants:

It was a beautiful day, so we got some fresh fall air!

Avery loved sliding down into the leaves that her cousins piled high for her at the bottom!

Now, onto dinner!

Grandpa & BeeGee with the grandkids,

Mary Ellison (9), Ford (12), Avery (2) and Brooks (15):

Never in a million years...

So many things I have had to do in the last several months are just things you never think you'll have to do... never in a million years. So many of these things break my heart into a trillion pieces. Each time I crumble, I find myself once again picking up the pieces and carefully trying to put them back where they belong.

But I want to remember each and every moment, even the saddest ones. Because they are all part of our journey.

I'm driving to the cemetery today with this in my car:

Lucy, I find comfort in knowing you're taken care of up in heaven - and you're in the very best hands. Sweet girl, you make me a better person every day... but I MISS YOU.

Love you girly-girl.

Avery's First Haircut

What's that, Ma? I need a HAIRCUT?!

I had been in serious denial that Avery was in need of a haircut. Serious denial. I couldn't let go of her blonde wispy baby hair. I mean it took SO LONG to get here. But it was time.

Here are my last snapshots of her with her "crazy hair," as she patiently waited her turn at the kiddie salon:

At Pigtails and Crewcuts, they specialize in kids haircuts, and Avery just loved it. Her stylist Tiara made her feel comfortable, and Avery wasn't afraid to ask for special treats like animal crackers and lollipops during her time there. She was able to choose what "vehicle" she sat in, and of course she choose the firetruck over the taxi (who wouldn't?)

She even LOVED getting her hair dried with the blow-dryer. So cute.

And yes, the stylist smiled the entire time. I mean, love your job much? (Or maybe she's just happy to have my kid? The child next to her was NOT as patient with the haircut experience.) So sweet regardless!

After she was done, Avery got to select a prize from the treasure chest. If you know about Avery's fondness for all-things-pirate, you could probably guess just how excited she was about that part.

So excited that I never got another decent "after" picture of her hair until later on...

And just like she's becoming a southern little gal with a major bow in her hair, her Southern accent has started being more apparent in words like "Thay-er" for "there" and "Yaa-yah" for "yeah."

So, yes, Avery just got her first "Hay-er" cut!

TADA! :)

Thank YOU

I probably don’t have to tell you that it’s not always easy for me to be thankful at the moment. But I have found out how thankful I can be, even in a tough time. So thankful that I try to write thank you notes but can’t find the right words... what I feel is far too great to write on a piece of paper. I'm not sure how to express what I feel - it seems more complicated. What's the proper way to say "thank you" when those words just don't seem to do it?

Over the last several months people have reached out to us in many ways. Some people we may have expected to hear from, others we did not. We appreciate you all.

You've given hugs.
You’ve dropped off meals.
You’ve sent cards.
You’ve sent emails and text messages.
You’ve listened.
You’ve offered financial support.

You've shared your own stories of loss.
You’ve donated in Lucy's honor.
You’ve taken care of things for us.
You’ve sent meaningful gifts.
You’ve been there.
You’ve prayed for us. And still are.

I am teary-eyed right now as I write with feelings of gratitude. The outpouring of love we have felt from not only our friends and family... but our acquaintances, and even strangers!? It leaves me amazed and speechless.

Thankful doesn’t even describe it. It just doesn’t.

I’m getting notes about how our daughter Lucy's story has touched your lives and these stories make me smile from ear to ear. They fill me with happiness. You are giving me something to hold on to, and these stories are ones I will carry with me forever.

God is truly at work in our lives, and it’s amazing to see what He is doing. And I'm realizing that no matter how complicated the feeling might be, the words are very simple.

Thank you.
Thank YOU.

At Thanksgiving time this year, we especially want to thank the Lord for blessings that come in the form of people that care so deeply for us.

“Enter his gates with thanksgiving and his courts with praise; give thanks to him and praise his name. For the LORD is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations.”
~ Psalm 100: 4-5

Coping with the Holidays

Last night Jeff and I sat in a room.

We sat in a room with 20+ people.

Last night we sat in a circle in a room with 20+ people who have lost babies. In other words, we went to our first grief support group. This one specifically focused on coping with the holidays after an infant loss. (No matter how you say it... it doesn't make it any easier.)

Last night when I entered the room at Kindermourn, a non-profit that supports families dealing with grief, I couldn’t make eye contact with anyone. I didn’t say a word. The room was full of what I heard as anxious whispers. I was hot... then I was cold... then I was hot again. There were cookies on the table that no one touched. Someone asked if I wanted a drink. I said no. ‘Why is this so uncomfortable?’ I thought. Because - let’s face it – the subject is just uncomfortable. At Kindermourn their infant, stillbirth and miscarriage loss groups are called “Empty Arms” groups, and that is just what we came to talk about. I expected to have a baby in my arms, and now I’m sitting in a metal chair in a room with strangers about to talk about something that makes me sad. And mad. And emotional. And confused.

But how quickly the tides turned. The group facilitator, Michael, instantly brought a sense of warmth to the group. There were no secrets there in that room. We were all there because we had similar experiences and needed support. We may have had specific questions, or, like me... may have had no idea what to even ask. I just knew I needed to be there.

Talk about being around people who just “get it.” We heard from a group of panelists who discussed how to cope with the already-emotionally-fueled holidays after a loss. Let me tell you, hearing others’ stories of loss was NOT pleasant. The stories shared were sad, horrible, not fair... excruciating. It was an awful way to be brought together – by having something so devastating in common. There is almost an instant form of camaraderie in a group like that once people start opening up, though. It feels like we have put on our heavy armor and are preparing for battle together.

So there we sat. And there we supported one another. There we collected ideas of how to preserve the memory of our child. We talked about making decisions about how we need to celebrate (or not celebrate) during the holidays and the importance of saying “no” if we needed to. We talked about the hustle and bustle of the holidays and what frustration we may expect to feel. We heard from one mother whose fury got taken out on a Target employee who was just a little “too jolly” last Christmas. One mother spoke about how far she’d come from her 1^st holiday season after losing her son... to now her 5^th.

We are trying to think of some ways to make Lucy a part of our holiday season this year. She is a precious memory and part of our family. We love traditions, and she needs to be tied to our traditions. We’ll light a candle in honor of Lucy. We’ll get an ornament in her memory to put on our tree. We’ll talk about how thankful we are and what better people we are for having known her.

Any you know what? Hudson’s family will be doing the same thing for him. And so will Caroline and Christina’s family. And so will Gabriella’s family. These babies are amazing gifts and we will remember them.

I’m so glad that there is a support system of people for times like these. We are certainly not alone. I can only hope to help someone else in the future by offering the perspective that some of the parents offered me last night. Like one mother said, “Being here for others years later... it’s a simple way to give back. Someone did it for me.”