One giant pile o' problems

"If we all threw our problems in a pile, and looked at each other's, we'd grab our's back!"

As I have explained my sorrows and recent life issues to others, many times I also in the same breath will say something to the tune of "but they are my problems, and I would choose them over someone else's." And most of the time, when I think of things in a bigger sense, that is true.

There are also times that I say "what the H-E-double hockey sticks? I don't want this life! Why was I chosen for this? Why did this happen to me?! Everyone else gets it so good."

Several people have shared with me the imagery of what I'm going to call the Giant Pile o' Problems. Basically, the thought is that if everyone in the world threw their problems into a massive pile and we saw what laid in that pile of problems, we'd be VERY quick to grab our problem back. I can get on board with that philosophy. It definitely personalizes our problems and shows us that we tend to find ways to manage what we've been given and have a hard time imagining how we would handle someone else's issues.

But think on this... wouldn't it be more amazing if we could all stand in a circle around that giant pile o' problems and said in chorus: "good-bye, problems... we release you to GOD."

Yes, there are daily worries and daily challenges that we must deal with, but what if each day we could let go a little more? Maybe we don't want to just throw our problem in a pile to stare at it and compare it against others, but instead we want to raise it up and let it go. Let's admit we are not in control! I want to release my firm grip on all of this "stuff" I try and control day in and day out. The anxiety is just not worth it and life has much more to offer.

Avery the Explorer

Avery has a new love - Dora the Explorer!

Now, every morning she's all "let's go on an adventure" and I'm all "Let me drink my coffee first... but whatcha got in mind?" Sometimes her adventure calls for a map and she insists I draw one out for her. How she follows my interesting diagrams I'll never know, but she always gets to her destination!

Love for her new Dora doll from Nana:

Consulting the map:

Playing in her Dora tent (with her trusty backpack - always an necessity):

Aside from Dora being SLIGHTLY annoying (as Jeff says, "Why does Dora always sound like she's yelling?"), I love that the show is inspiring a sense of adventure AND teaching Avery some Spanish in a comprehensive way. The other day we were talking about counting (in English) and then Avery just busted out with an "uno, dos, tres." I added "cuatro" to which she responded "cinco."

And, who knew it could be a learning point for me, too? I definitely never knew how to spell "cuatro" until I just looked it up.

Gracias, Dora!

Life Inspection

Time flies... it just does. Whether you are having fun, whether you are in a bad mood, whether you want to crawl into a hole and hide, or shout from the mountaintops.

Yesterday marked 6 months since Lucy was born.

SIX MONTHS!

And yesterday was ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

I actually woke up yesterday feeling inspired and strong. I thought - man, I'm feeling good. Much better than last month and the month before.

Then, while on the way to Avery's sitter's house I got pulled over by a policeman telling me that my registration is expired. I had tried to pay the renewal fee a couple weeks back and got a letter this week telling me I needed an inspection first. I should have just gone and gotten it done right away, but alas I did not.

DOH!

There is something about being stopped by a cop that makes you feel stupid and vulnerable. I was literally shaking and Avery was so confused, both of us on the verge of tears ("I jus' wanna got to Dooonna's!"). After he spent what seemed like an hour in his car with my license, he came back and delivered (thankfully) only a stern reminder: GO GET AN INSPECTION. Ok, ok, yes, yes, thank you, thank you. After that the cop softened and gave a little wave to Ave in the back. I went from being sad she had to see me cry to happy that she may have just saved me from getting a ticket.

After that experience I was a bit paranoid and planned to go get my car inspected on my lunch break. But on the way there I went by a flower shop. It was one of those hole-in-the-wall places that have about 15 fresh flowers you could pick from. I found myself pulling in and picking up a fresh gerber daisy.

I went over to Lucy's grave and laid the pretty little simple flower beside her headstone (it's in the ground now and looks great!) and just had some moments to reflect.

Where was I six months ago?

Where am I now?

Where am I going...?

Definitely wasn't making it to get the car inspected at lunch, that's for sure. But maybe I needed the time for my own life-inspection. Time is just flying and I can't control it. We just keep on living our lives. We surely do not know what is next on our grand timeline, do we? NO. But we know God has something better for each and every one of us when everything here is gone.

"For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens."

"So we are always confident; even though we know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord - for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we do have confidence, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him."

~ 2 Corinthians 5:1-2, 6-9

I am by no means implying that I want to leave this earth, but yesterday made me think about what happens when our registration for life is "expired." In desperate attempts to "get it all done" do we ignore ourselves and what we really need? When do we need a LIFE inspection to renew our zest for living? When do we need to do some self-maintenance to get us back to where we need to be in a faith-full manner? God was sending me a message yesterday. I need to be confident in his care for me while I am here on this earth and aim to please him with my words and actions. I've been angry, bitter and sad lately. And though in some ways I feel I'm entitled to it, I know that I need to snap out of it.

I think about what Lucy would be doing now if she were here with us. But Lucy wasn't meant to be here yesterday, or today. She wasn't meant to be here tomorrow. She was a borrowed gift from God and was never "mine" to begin with. The memory of us welcoming her into our lives is 6 months old. It's a beautiful memory - one I am grateful for, one I am proud of, one I cherish. I get to hold on to that memory forever, no matter what amount of time passes.

Oh, and don't worry, I'm still planning to get that car inspection done so I stay out of trouble. Ticket or not, it is NO FUN being pulled over. But, in a way, yesterday might not have been so eye-opening without that stern reminder.

I am and will continue to be a work in progress, and today is a new day.

Christmas at the White House, 2011 - part 2

On Christmas Eve we went to the 1:30 service at church and despite it reaching well into nap-time, Avery did great. She usually goes to the toddler room, but she came with us and enjoyed the music and singing by candlelight. That evening we went over to our friends the Nall's house for dinner, as my friend Heather had so graciously offered to have us join her family. We had to snap some pictures of Avery and her friend Mac decorating cookies. Mac was a SERIOUSLY AWESOME decorator. Holy sprinkles!

Some of Avery's masterpieces:

Unfortunately I did not get a picture of the just-as-equally awesome twice-baked potatoes that were as big as my head. Yum.

When we got home, we allowed Avery to open a Christmas Eve gift.

(Christmas PJ's and a book - a tradition!)

We also made sure to sprinkle "reindeer food" outside so Rudolph and Santa got knew exactly where to park the sleigh.

The last step was setting out our cookies & milk for Santa!

On Christmas morning, when I went up to her room, Avery asked enthusiastically "Is Santa HERE?" After explaining to her that he doesn't actually stay at our house, she came on down to see what he left her...

Oh, look a sideways video, that we can't seem to flip!:

Santa brought her a new tricycle and helmet, some boots and books. Mommy made a big floor pillow for her and daddy got her the successful Little People pirate ship - a huge hit. She also enjoyed her "leaptop" from Grandpa and BeeGee.

One of the most exciting moments? When Avery opened the movie "The Lion King" which she calls "Hakuna Matata" because she LOVES that video from seeing it on the computer. Here's the video of her opening it, and yes, it's sideways too:

Christmas breakfast was a huge stack of pancakes made into a birthday cake for Jesus (with another candle on the table in honor of Lucy). We spent most of the day in our pajamas relaxing, watching movies, reading and playing - just lots of good ol' family time. All in all, definitely a Christmas to remember!

Christmas at the White House, 2011 - part 1

I am finally getting around to getting these photos uploaded from December & Christmas!

This year was very different for several reasons, but the best part was that Avery was a VERY active participant in all of the holiday fun! Here are some pictures from our busy month as we got ready for Christmas!

She helped pick gifts, she helped decorate the tree in a fairly appropriate way (we only broke ONE ornament! or two if you count the one in the store that came home with us), she helped bake cookies for Santa, and she actually had gifts that she "asked" for. She loved singing many of our favorite Christmas songs. (Question - does anyone actually KNOW the words for "Frosty the Snowman"? Answer the question quickly, then try and sing it and see how far you get.)

My fabulous friend Lindsay (who did our family pics back in May) took our Christmas photos this year at a tree farm:

We love that she was able to capture us and tie in our sweet little angel, Lucy, too.

And don't forgot our Christmas kitties!... don't they look thrilled:

One weekend we went over to the Billy Graham Library to see all of the lights and decorations. Avery loved the live nativity, as did I! I tell ya, the live nativity gets me EVERY time! Just makes me feel all Christmas-y.

New Year sMiles

This just in...

My new nephew is here!

Miles Bricker Zarate:

Born January 4, 2012 at 9:26 a.m.

8 lbs 4 oz

21.5 inches

Mom and baby doing great after the c-section. Apparently Big Bro Parker had on a t-shirt that says he's the "big brother in charge." Get ready, little Miles B... You are really going to have to hit the ground running. :)

The last couple days I've been trying to write something New Year's-ish for the bliggity-blog, and who knows maybe I still will, but I think this sweet little bundle really represents what I see for this new year - beauty, grace, hope, love, and SMILES. I was honestly a bit terrified of 2012 before now (more on that later), but I know that God is good all of the time.

Welcome, my new little love bug!

Finding Hope

What is HOPE anyway? I'm not trying to answer that question today by any stretch, but I like the first definition of hope in Merriam-Webster dictionary:

HOPE - to cherish a desire with anticipation.

But I like the definition several lines down more - to TRUST with CONFIDENCE.

Of course, we can try to bottle up the concept in words, but hope is a feeling, a belief.

And feelings are so very hard to describe.

Christmas is now past and the beginning of a New Year is days away. 'Tis the season when we find it appropriate to talk about hope. But it shouldn't be the only season. Hope is all around us, in our daily lives, even in what seems to be the least hoped-for situation. Finding God through the tough times and believing can often be the difficult part. He's there regardless. Hope is there to be found. We may just have trouble seeing it and believing it. We may "cherish a desire"... but do we "trust with confidence"?

I see perfectly healthy babies being born all the time and know many friends getting pregnant. Healthy babies come along every single day. I should have hope. But after losing Lucy I feel like I've become somewhat of a skeptic - for someone who has always tried to see the positive side of things, I'm on the opposite side of the fence for once. It's challenging.

I constantly, daily, roll around different scenarios in my head. I feel guilty in some way that I didn't get the genetic testing done during my pregnancy with Lucy, that I didn't know the sex of my baby before she arrived, and that we hadn't even settled on a NAME. (For heaven's sake, for half of the pregnancy we assumed Lucy was a BOY). There was so much that happened in her short little life. So much hope, and then so many shattered dreams. Moms tend to question themselves entirely too much as it is. I don't even have my sweet Lucy by my side and I'm questioning if I was a good mother to her. I feel as though I lacked in planning for our little miracle baby. We weren't equipped with all of the knowledge that was available to us. How could I have done that?!

At times I have felt a little strange talking about Trisomy 13 - not many people know what it is. Or, if you've heard what it is, you try not to think about it... because you think "oh, that wouldn't happen to ME." I have gone through phases where I've felt ashamed or embarrassed about it and thought "How could this have happened?" All the doctors say it's nothing I did, and additionally my faith says that it's all in God's plan. I know what I'm supposed to believe... but I can't help still thinking that I could have changed it. I had hoped for the best.

This week a friend of mine passed along the blog of the Green family who had a baby girl, Hallie, this past Monday before the holiday. Hallie was born with full Trisomy 13, just like Lucy. The Green family's story about baby Hallie has been truly amazing for me to see. I can relate to the story from the inside because we've lived something similar, but I'm also very much seeing things from the outside looking in.

I am so very glad that The Green Family has openly shared their story about Hallie and Trisomy 13. Hallie was diagnosed prenatally and her parents accepted her whole-heartedly and gave her a chance - this chance - at life. I was just devastated to hear that her sweet, short life came to an end on Christmas Eve. Another sweet angel gone home to be with Jesus. Her story is a beautiful one full of love and hope, and it's still unfolding as this family mourns her loss. Seeing the LOVE that they experienced by her very presence gives me faith that is indestructible and hope that is eternal. It's a sad story - it's heartbreaking. But I have hope. I believe that little Hallie's story will continue to change lives.

If I had to do it all over myself - the pregnancy, the testing options, the time in the hospital with Lucy - I wouldn't change a thing. As much as I can doubt and question myself, I know everything was exactly as it should have been. I run through the scenarios if we'd chosen a different path at different forks in the road. But that isn't what happened.

Our story is just that - OUR story! Lucy's story.

A parents love for their child is built on HOPE. Hope for our babies. It doesn't matter if we got the genetic testing done during pregnancy or if we knew as much as I could possibly know about Lucy. We gave her a chance. We chose Lucy. We had hope in her, and ultimately had hope in God's plan for her. And she fulfilled it with the beauty, grace and love that was her purpose. I can only hope to do that much in my lifetime.

I will never be able to describe hope in words.

But hope is the future. And despite our losses, the future is hopeful.

Find the Green Family here.

I encourage you to surround this family with prayers.

They will need them.