Finding Hope

What is HOPE anyway? I'm not trying to answer that question today by any stretch, but I like the first definition of hope in Merriam-Webster dictionary:

HOPE - to cherish a desire with anticipation.

But I like the definition several lines down more - to TRUST with CONFIDENCE.

Of course, we can try to bottle up the concept in words, but hope is a feeling, a belief.

And feelings are so very hard to describe.

Christmas is now past and the beginning of a New Year is days away. 'Tis the season when we find it appropriate to talk about hope. But it shouldn't be the only season. Hope is all around us, in our daily lives, even in what seems to be the least hoped-for situation. Finding God through the tough times and believing can often be the difficult part. He's there regardless. Hope is there to be found. We may just have trouble seeing it and believing it. We may "cherish a desire"... but do we "trust with confidence"?

I see perfectly healthy babies being born all the time and know many friends getting pregnant. Healthy babies come along every single day. I should have hope. But after losing Lucy I feel like I've become somewhat of a skeptic - for someone who has always tried to see the positive side of things, I'm on the opposite side of the fence for once. It's challenging.

I constantly, daily, roll around different scenarios in my head. I feel guilty in some way that I didn't get the genetic testing done during my pregnancy with Lucy, that I didn't know the sex of my baby before she arrived, and that we hadn't even settled on a NAME. (For heaven's sake, for half of the pregnancy we assumed Lucy was a BOY). There was so much that happened in her short little life. So much hope, and then so many shattered dreams. Moms tend to question themselves entirely too much as it is. I don't even have my sweet Lucy by my side and I'm questioning if I was a good mother to her. I feel as though I lacked in planning for our little miracle baby. We weren't equipped with all of the knowledge that was available to us. How could I have done that?!

At times I have felt a little strange talking about Trisomy 13 - not many people know what it is. Or, if you've heard what it is, you try not to think about it... because you think "oh, that wouldn't happen to ME." I have gone through phases where I've felt ashamed or embarrassed about it and thought "How could this have happened?" All the doctors say it's nothing I did, and additionally my faith says that it's all in God's plan. I know what I'm supposed to believe... but I can't help still thinking that I could have changed it. I had hoped for the best.

This week a friend of mine passed along the blog of the Green family who had a baby girl, Hallie, this past Monday before the holiday. Hallie was born with full Trisomy 13, just like Lucy. The Green family's story about baby Hallie has been truly amazing for me to see. I can relate to the story from the inside because we've lived something similar, but I'm also very much seeing things from the outside looking in.

I am so very glad that The Green Family has openly shared their story about Hallie and Trisomy 13. Hallie was diagnosed prenatally and her parents accepted her whole-heartedly and gave her a chance - this chance - at life. I was just devastated to hear that her sweet, short life came to an end on Christmas Eve. Another sweet angel gone home to be with Jesus. Her story is a beautiful one full of love and hope, and it's still unfolding as this family mourns her loss. Seeing the LOVE that they experienced by her very presence gives me faith that is indestructible and hope that is eternal. It's a sad story - it's heartbreaking. But I have hope. I believe that little Hallie's story will continue to change lives.

If I had to do it all over myself - the pregnancy, the testing options, the time in the hospital with Lucy - I wouldn't change a thing. As much as I can doubt and question myself, I know everything was exactly as it should have been. I run through the scenarios if we'd chosen a different path at different forks in the road. But that isn't what happened.

Our story is just that - OUR story! Lucy's story.

A parents love for their child is built on HOPE. Hope for our babies. It doesn't matter if we got the genetic testing done during pregnancy or if we knew as much as I could possibly know about Lucy. We gave her a chance. We chose Lucy. We had hope in her, and ultimately had hope in God's plan for her. And she fulfilled it with the beauty, grace and love that was her purpose. I can only hope to do that much in my lifetime.

I will never be able to describe hope in words.

But hope is the future. And despite our losses, the future is hopeful.

Find the Green Family here.

I encourage you to surround this family with prayers.

They will need them.