Baby Sister

Wow - one whole month since Lucy's birth. The days sure can drag, but the time passes so quickly at the same time.

I'm so fearful I'll forget my little angel. I won't, but she was here so briefly that I need to recount my first moments with her - the night we met. When Lucy entered the world, she hardly made a peep - she was so calm, so peaceful. But it was all so... scary! They had prepped me for it, but still I was frantic as my midwife handed her immediately to the neonatal team that was in our room so she could be examined. She had made it full-term at 38 weeks, but her growth had slowed so much that they had no choice but to induce me. The slowed growth, plus the other known factors had me so worried. I was anxious to hear her and see her. To love her.

Once they told us she was breathing great and was fine to go to the regular nursery for the night, she was brought over to me and Jeff - we were absolutely amazed by her - and so hopeful. We were allowed to stay in our delivery room for almost 4 hours and my parents and Avery came in to meet her. Avery was quite curious about her little sister, who still did not have a name at that moment so we kept calling her "baby sister." (Never mind the fact that I had convinced myself and everyone I knew that I was having a boy... but that's a whole different blog post. I was SO wrong!).

Now, speaking of the blog, if you've been visiting here for a while you know that The White Family blog started out as Jeff's movie and TV show review space, and quickly got taken over by me (shame on me) when I got pregnant and wanted to give family updates. Then it pretty much turned into the 'Avery Show' when little miss was born. We started using the blog to give updates to our family and friends detailing Avery's monthly milestones - something I stopped around 18 months. Part of the reason I stopped was because I was pregnant again and wondered if I would really be able to keep up with Avery's monthly updates AND start doing monthly updates for baby #2, too. Little did I know what kind of updates I would be doing at this point.

So, it's one month after Lucy's birth. And though she may not be here with us, she is very much a part of our lives. Every time we drive even remotely near the hospital Avery says, "That's where my baby sister lives." Out of the blue she will ask, "We see Baby Lucy, Mommy?" and she will also make statements, with confidence, like "Lucy, come home with me!" Avery asks to see pictures of Lucy almost every day and she will spread them out on the couch, rub her hands over them, and kiss them.

I want to remember a certain moment with Avery from the night of Lucy's passing. Avery was so fixated on seeing Lucy and bringing her home that night, oblivious to the tragedy that had occurred earlier that day. I realized that she was invested too, just like we were, and we needed to have a straight conversation with her and tell her Lucy wasn't coming home. I had gone in to change her and put her to bed and she asked, "You and Daddy go sleep at the hospital with baby sister?"

me: "No, not tonight. We aren't going to sleep at the hospital."

A: "You not sleep at hospital? Baby Lucy come home?"

me: "No, sweetie, Lucy is not coming home..." (tears welling in my eyes)

A: "What wrong, Mommy?"

me: "Mommy is just sad because baby Lucy isn't coming home."

A: "Why?"

me: "Because she went to be in heaven. She went to be with Jesus."

A: "I want to be with Jesus."

me: "You are with Jesus... he's here with us now. But Lucy was called up to heaven. She will be our angel watching over us."

A: "I want to be an angel."

me: "Well, you are meant to be with Daddy and Mommy right where you are. You know what? We need you here."

A: "OK, Mommy."

I don't know that Avery will remember Lucy or what we are going through right now. But I am so glad that she asks about her, and that we have pictures she can look at together, and that we can talk openly and lovingly around her. Avery and I went and made matching beaded bracelets with angel wings and she calls her new bling her "angel bracelet." I call mine my Lucy bracelet.

Avery will always have her baby sister. I have two baby sisters myself. I can't imagine a day without them. Even through the years when we tortured and tormented one another, my sisters were everything to me. Even though I have faith that my two little girls will have the opportunity to reunite in heaven one day, I'm saddened by the fact that they won't be able to run and play, kiss and hug, and yes, even pull each others hair... here on earth. Talk about a true test of patience. One day, one day. (Well, hopefully without the "pulling each other's hair" part!) ;)

I pray that Avery will always carry a piece of Lucy in her heart by knowing one day how much she made her parents smile even in our darkest of moments. We will always remember Lucy, Avery's baby sister.