Life Inspection

Time flies... it just does. Whether you are having fun, whether you are in a bad mood, whether you want to crawl into a hole and hide, or shout from the mountaintops.

Yesterday marked 6 months since Lucy was born.

SIX MONTHS!

And yesterday was ONE OF THOSE DAYS.

I actually woke up yesterday feeling inspired and strong. I thought - man, I'm feeling good. Much better than last month and the month before.

Then, while on the way to Avery's sitter's house I got pulled over by a policeman telling me that my registration is expired. I had tried to pay the renewal fee a couple weeks back and got a letter this week telling me I needed an inspection first. I should have just gone and gotten it done right away, but alas I did not.

DOH!

There is something about being stopped by a cop that makes you feel stupid and vulnerable. I was literally shaking and Avery was so confused, both of us on the verge of tears ("I jus' wanna got to Dooonna's!"). After he spent what seemed like an hour in his car with my license, he came back and delivered (thankfully) only a stern reminder: GO GET AN INSPECTION. Ok, ok, yes, yes, thank you, thank you. After that the cop softened and gave a little wave to Ave in the back. I went from being sad she had to see me cry to happy that she may have just saved me from getting a ticket.

After that experience I was a bit paranoid and planned to go get my car inspected on my lunch break. But on the way there I went by a flower shop. It was one of those hole-in-the-wall places that have about 15 fresh flowers you could pick from. I found myself pulling in and picking up a fresh gerber daisy.

I went over to Lucy's grave and laid the pretty little simple flower beside her headstone (it's in the ground now and looks great!) and just had some moments to reflect.

Where was I six months ago?

Where am I now?

Where am I going...?

Definitely wasn't making it to get the car inspected at lunch, that's for sure. But maybe I needed the time for my own life-inspection. Time is just flying and I can't control it. We just keep on living our lives. We surely do not know what is next on our grand timeline, do we? NO. But we know God has something better for each and every one of us when everything here is gone.

"For we know that if the earthly tent we live in is destroyed, we have a building from God, a house not made with hands, eternal in the heavens."

"So we are always confident; even though we know that while we are at home in the body we are away from the Lord - for we walk by faith, not by sight. Yes, we do have confidence, and we would rather be away from the body and at home with the Lord. So whether we are at home or away, we make it our aim to please him."

~ 2 Corinthians 5:1-2, 6-9

I am by no means implying that I want to leave this earth, but yesterday made me think about what happens when our registration for life is "expired." In desperate attempts to "get it all done" do we ignore ourselves and what we really need? When do we need a LIFE inspection to renew our zest for living? When do we need to do some self-maintenance to get us back to where we need to be in a faith-full manner? God was sending me a message yesterday. I need to be confident in his care for me while I am here on this earth and aim to please him with my words and actions. I've been angry, bitter and sad lately. And though in some ways I feel I'm entitled to it, I know that I need to snap out of it.

I think about what Lucy would be doing now if she were here with us. But Lucy wasn't meant to be here yesterday, or today. She wasn't meant to be here tomorrow. She was a borrowed gift from God and was never "mine" to begin with. The memory of us welcoming her into our lives is 6 months old. It's a beautiful memory - one I am grateful for, one I am proud of, one I cherish. I get to hold on to that memory forever, no matter what amount of time passes.

Oh, and don't worry, I'm still planning to get that car inspection done so I stay out of trouble. Ticket or not, it is NO FUN being pulled over. But, in a way, yesterday might not have been so eye-opening without that stern reminder.

I am and will continue to be a work in progress, and today is a new day.